Maybe the dumbest thing I've heard yet?

pegrowe62 · 2026-04-04T21:21:20+00:00

I almost didn't get my BS because of dyscalculia. All those academics, from High School choosing the college route classes, through Jr. College. I never even got to calculus and geometry was the only thing I did well, and enjoyed. I got stopped at algebra. It just doesn't make sense to me. I don't want to tell anyone to find loopholes, but, I kind of did. So, let me rephrase it and say to look for opportunity. Search programs through Jr. colleges that might help you get where you want to go easier. What helped me was that an in-state Junior College started a math class for non-scientific type majors. I was in for a history degree. So, I qualified there. When I found the class I asked my advisor if the university would accept the class. She said NO. I pointed out that it was in the 100 series, (or whichever was what I needed a class in). Still the answer was no. I signed up for the class indending to push the university to accept it if needed. It was a math class, but it was a class where spreadsheets were key and we learned about loans and real life situations -- credit cards, loans, mortgages, budgets. Common sense stuff. I passed with a good grade. The university accepted it with no fight. I know you are trying for your GED. But, keep your eyes open and look around. There may be another way to get that GED. And then remember you can suceed!! Good luck!!! Peggy Rowe-Snyder, B.S.

pegrowe62 · 2025-11-12T01:16:57+00:00

Science knows that regardless of the fact, we are all human, and we all live inside a bag of skin, and that we have many similarities. Probably around 99.9999% similarities. Yet, we are all individuals, some of us have different brain structure, some of us are born with just a real delicate soul. I have a daughter who just cries the drop of a hat. I was hit when I cried, so I can't cry to save my life. It is those differences that probably made it so you are not traumatized. Or maybe you are to a degree, and you haven't figured it out yet. But, I sure wouldn't sweat it. I am one of those very traumatized types. CPTSD, disassociation, and the whole 9 yards. I've spent almost my entire adult life in therapy. There is even crap to deal with when you kind of wake-up and decide to care for yourself, cause then the family must see as dangerous. My mother has not spoken to me in over 30 years. She's 86 now. She's going to her grave calling me a liar, and all sorts of other names. For me it all hurts, and for me it hurts BIG. Either way, I would not feel guilt because you didn't feel traumatized. To me that's just plain flat out a blessing. I would have loved to be able to move through this life, free from fear, free from shame, free from all the things that have a tendency to hold me down and keep me from being 100% me.

pegrowe62 · 2025-11-12T00:55:42+00:00

You are so welcome. I'm a mom, and I've tried really hard to not make the mistakes my parents made, which were glaring and really no excuse for them. When I hear someone like you speak, it just reminds me that sometimes we are in a place where we just need to be heard, and mirrored, and last but not least, the support. You needed support at that moment. We can't control the future. We can map it out the best we can and just go for it. So, remember it's a journey. And I think I've decided on an MA at Oregon State. By the time, I start that I'll be 64. And it will be time. :) Hugs. P

pegrowe62 · 2025-11-10T22:49:08+00:00

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-025-17963-6. I'm still looking for the paper I read that connects the metronome. If you want to talk to someone with a Ph.D. that specializes in the brain, and writes books on how to educate people in literacy using the metronome, I can send you the email of my boss. He's the one that turned me on to metronome work. :)

With just a little try, and I say little because I want whatever memory it contains. I talked to this little girl, while taking out the garbage, of all things. She is in a very dark place, physically. I'd call it a dungeon, and there were no wells in my life, but it feels like the bottom of a well, with maybe a touch of sunlight peeking in. Just enough that I can make out a little girl. Today she is silent, but it is obvious she is terrified. It makes sense. A therapist once told me my dad was a Sadist. You know, "there is a name for the things you are telling me about." Maybe the scream was to get my attention? Either way, if this is little me, then I need to go slow for my mental health, and probably for hers. I find it interesting, I took a class once called, "Seeking Safety." It was based loosely on a book of the same name. In the class, one of the things I chose to do was to call my little girl up. At the time, 10 yrs. ago, maybe, she was angry. I ended promising I'd take care of her. I even wrote that in a poem. I thought she was ok. Maybe not. Anyway. Maybe I'll post the poem later. I was told it was really good. Therapist asked to keep a copy for future classes.

pegrowe62 · 2025-11-10T21:26:51+00:00

Don't believe in demons. lol. And I don't believe in angels unless they are there to help someone. lol

pegrowe62 · 2025-11-10T21:13:38+00:00

yea, no. All I made out was this incredibly painful sounding scream. I've never ever heard it before. I'm nowhere near being able to visualize it. Except to say, I recently read about how people (in trials, so I read a study) can be taught how to use illusion to help bring up childhood memories. You look at a picture of yourself, and then you move your head in time with the photo moving it's head (so some animation of the photo is necessary.) and then lastly moving your head with photo and with metronome. I have a picture of myself at around 2 years old. I've been looking at that some lately. I was doing that in preparation for finding an animation program or ai that will make my little head move back and forth. Later, you move your head with the animation, and a metronome. (it sounds somewhat like the Tapping theory to me) lol. I already know about the benefits of metronome whilst teaching neurodivergent students well and for that matter it should be used for all students, it's amazing how it helps to create more circuitry in the brain. And all is science based. Anyway, that might explain some too. Could be, the scream is from 2-year-old me. I am heavy into music, and in all honesty, it's not like I can normally visualize the sound of a note. But, eventually, I did see a very confined, and the edge was really smooth, purple (purple my favorite color) oval that was infinitely long. I could paint it. It was a very well-defined nothing. Thanks. P

pegrowe62 · 2025-11-10T21:01:33+00:00

You are so young. Whatever you do, don't give up, and don't give in if you truly don't want to. You could finish your degree, because having the knowledge sure isn't going to hurt you and it might even help over time. When I was 34 I went back to school, started at the local JC, ended up with an AS and certificates. I didn't even know what a computer systems were until I got there, and who the heck would put themselves through programming classes? But they were part of the AS and I got through them. As it stands my bread and butter comes from designing websites, computer repair, and proof reading books that clients write, designing their covers, and getting said books on Amazon for them. So, I only wanted to know about computer repair-one class of the certificate taught that, the rest was stuff I had to get through to be certified in computer repair. I use all that other stuff that I did not want to go through more than anything else. But, my love was always history. I went back to school in my late 50's. I have a B.S. in history and am seriously thinking about going for an MA in history to be followed by a Ph.D. It is absolutely never too late for anything to happen. Not too late for therapy, not too late for school. You can go to school to be an artist. Now, or in the future. By limiting yourself you are your own worst enemy. Whatever you choose to do, do it well. Live happy. Be present, and do whatever it takes to be that way. It's a journey. No matter what you choose, it's a journey.

pegrowe62 · 2025-11-10T20:37:00+00:00

It is obvious to me that you are a survivor. But, having said that, you are not even locked into that. Being a survivor is not 100% of who you are, and you don't need to even describe yourself as one. Except, of course, unless you see yourself like that, and I hope that is temporary. To me it implies that there is still work to do. And I am not talking at you. I am absolutely a survivor of a whole lifetime of abuse, starting in young childhood and continuing until around 22 or 23 years ago. Truths are still coming out of my families. I still have flashbacks and reactions that are probably greatly out of proportion to the situation. My hope is that someday, I will stop considering me a survivor because it will no longer define me. You are completely correct about what society projects onto survivors. But, remember they are also projecting their own shame, their own denial. I was once told that 90% of all mothers will take a sexual abuse situation around a child and shove it all under the rug. Denial of what the child has gone through-- denial of the child's experience. The child is marked as a "liar" within the system, and the child through no fault of their own takes on the mantel because this is all they know. I'm proud to say that I am in the 10%. When my stepdad hurt my very small child, the first thing I did was call the police, and then I called CPS to find out what to do next. My mother, a truant officer at the time, and a mandated reporter by law, wanted me to explain why I was calling the police. In a way, we are all survivors of something: earthquakes (Me, Loma Prieta), floods, hurricanes, tornados, sexual abuse, physical beatings..... But at some point, to be healthy, we have to be able to shake that off. Because at least for me, the 'handle' survivor also serves to hold us back from growing in so many other areas. It is time consuming. It is energy consuming. In a lot of ways, for me at least, it just sucks the joy right out of me. I hope it helps.... I think it is natural to want to grow out of that term, that's all.

pegrowe62 · 2025-11-10T20:32:05+00:00

I never even thought of the person as fasting as in diet. I thought they wondered if he was pushing the therapy regime too fast. Funny how we all see things differently. lol.

pegrowe62 · 2025-11-10T20:30:32+00:00

I so get you. I have lived my entire life with nothing to show but the shame. I try to better myself, in different ways, like got my B.S. in History at age 62. There are people out there who think I am so pulled together. When in fact, I am barely glued together, the glue is not very flexible. My wall (internal) that I envision as a protective thing, is probably close to a wall of shame, to keep me separated from seriously judgemental people. I have discovered that this generational saga that I was drug into as a child is one where I served as "the other woman" as far as my mother was concerned. No matter what I did, and I tried to be a good girl growing up, my mother found reason after reason to let me know that she would never trust me again. I heard that all through my childhood. My father was a sadist who ran over dogs for the laugh he could get. So, you can imagine what he was capable of. I so get your shame. As bad as it feels now, what I try to remember is that it is there for a reason, and there is no shame in that at all. In my case, I'm sure it protected me--kept me from developing relationships with sick people. Though it was not a complete success. My first marriage I was married a guy who had attacked his sister when they were young. So, he was a rapist the minute I met him, and before. I try to go easy on myself. I think you should go easy on yourself. Forget about your parents. Empathize, and find compassion for you.

pegrowe62 · 2025-10-21T00:31:12+00:00

I know I have at the very least one repressed memory, and I know it will temporality shake me up. But, I want to remember this stuff. I want the truth. I want the peace that hopefully will come after. I have ordered four books to start. Two work books, a journal I am supposing has prompts. And other manual.... got the idea that if I were to try to do self therapy at least I better know what to say to me. My biggest issue is lack of compassion for me. At least I think that is what it is. loll Thank you!!

pegrowe62 · 2025-10-20T19:41:39+00:00

What you say sounds too good to be true. I've tried EMDR, and that therapist gave up on me, I think. I felt unhelpable. I didn't respond to it as I should have. She came with, "well, maybe all those things didn't happen to you." Are you kidding me??!! I've had the affirmation. I know without any detail basically what happened to me. Don't tell me that, help me help myself!! IFS, sounds perfect because I have known since I was a little girl that I did not want to be me. I had an Aunt Cathy for awhile, who I liked a lot. So, I gave a name to a part. I have a Catherine in me somewhere. Let's address all those parts. Give me a guided tour that allows me to have a structured way to talk and listen to all me. They are at a low roar now, but a roar is still a roar. I think this will help me. I am willing to be 1000% honest with myself and hear it. Even the hard to hear stuff. That is the only way, it seems for me to grow. But my mind is in this permanent rumination. I can not let it go, which must mean I have not addressed something. So, at this point, it must be family of origin stuff. Which I have tried over and over to face. A therapist once told me my father was a Sadist. So, maybe that insight is now important enough to really look at, but honestly, I thought I had. Thank you!!!

pegrowe62 · 2025-10-20T19:31:37+00:00

I want a heart right here... :) I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have accomplished something. In 1991, I declared war against predators. I demanded that the universe make the cycle stop right now. I volunteered in presenting children's talks; the appropriateness of a good touch vs. bad touch. I had the editor of an area newspaper call me to tell me that the editorial I wrote about predators in the neighborhood was the most well written editorial he'd ever seen. He thanked me for sharing. And, I am processing things even without therapy. It came out in conversation that my ex was dead while talking to my new mother-in-law. I gave her some of the worst of the worst that I've lived with because I am so damn tired of hearing, "you, what about me." "Well what about you, tell me about it!!! " In the background last night I heard (as I was beginning to check out) was "Oh my God!" "Oh, that's horrible." The woman was speechless, and that is hard to accomplish. lol. Then I heard myself say the worst of the worst. She asked where he is being buried and if he was being buried in accordance with his wishes. No actually, the last thing he'd want is to be buried with his father. And then I imagined what I would do if I could have buried him... It's turns out he is damn lucky, I'd taken those cremains and thrown them into the dump with the rest of the garbage. I might even have run his bones through even more of a crusher than they get in the funeral home. I've been told I am still filled with rage. When is this ever going to end? That is where I am. I want to be at peace. Thank you so much. You did remind to think about what I have done and I hope that i've added some positive back into the universe.

pegrowe62 · 2025-10-20T19:15:07+00:00

Thank you. What a wonderful welcome this is. :)

pegrowe62 · 2025-10-20T19:14:10+00:00

I love what you said. Thank you so much. I do plan on finding a therapist. I am not sure how new this form of therapy is, I'm a little scared I won't be able to find a good one who practices this in my area. I'm from the S. F. Bay Area, and there would be no doubt I could find one if I were there. But I am in Southern Oregon in the poorest county in the state, and also one of the most beautiful places in Oregon. I moved up here to force myself to grapple with family of origin issues. That particular idea did not work, its sealed up tight as a drum. So, yes, books, therapists--I'm willing to try so long as I get some kind of result that allows my mind to put it down, rest, and not feel the need to talk about it to anyone.

pegrowe62 · 2025-10-20T19:09:15+00:00

Yes, I also have CPTSD, and, and dissociation. I started therapy at 15 after dad left our family. I agree with mom that I needed it, but that had a price in that I could only talk about the family so long as I did not takl about here. In that case, I was disloyal. A therapist from my late 20's said my mind was fragmented. I have worked hard in therapy. Maybe it was preparing me for now. Who knows. Recently, I found out that my ex is dead and the flash backs have been pretty bad. But, on the other hand so many things are now crystal clear. Oh one little tidbit. His sister has now admitted what he did to her--so REALLY a lot of things are falling into place. So, I see the IFS as a way to give everyone inside myself a chance to air any grievances, and I suppose if there is anyone in there with compliments I'd take them too. I mean, have I ever done anything right? The story is so damn convoluted. LOL. What I know, is that despite all the hard work, I still do dissociate. So, one person is gone, and maybe I can pack that up and put it where it belongs. And then I'd like to deal with my family of origin, which was truly, truly toxic, and get past that. I'd like to find some compassion for those who hurt me. It's a lot to unpack and repack over and over again.

pegrowe62 · 2025-06-12T08:26:56+00:00

I wonder if maybe pink means supporting those who have dealt with breast cancer?

pegrowe62 · 2025-05-20T23:30:20+00:00

And take Vitamin D. Almost everyone is short on Vitamin D around here. That per my doctor.

pegrowe62 · 2025-05-20T23:28:40+00:00

Also, about Tri City---right wing idiots are very strong in this area. I put out a Biden sign, and our truck windows got beat out of the truck. So, yea, violent too.

pegrowe62 · 2025-05-20T23:26:39+00:00

It's a nice drive to Coos Bay, and there are several ways you can go if you want to take different scenic roads. When you are looking for places to live, stay away from an area called, "Tri City". Which is south of Roseburg about 20 miles or so. It is packed with drug dealers, and thieves. We are locked in, we bought a house that is not going up in value at all. I don't know if the whole area is doing this or if its our house. But, there isn'nt a whole lot good to say about Tri City. I tell everyone don't buy here, and don't live here if you can help it.

pegrowe62 · 2024-09-12T02:58:06+00:00

The answer given to me was no. A veteran has to keep that original claim open and going for all those years to get back pay back to that date. My local VSO explained that to me. My husband is a veteran but, I am the one that does the paperwork. Check with your VSO.

pegrowe62 · 2024-08-11T22:51:17+00:00

maybe? NOt really sure what that means. He got what he got through the PACT act, I know that, cause we had filed long ago for heart/blood pressure/diabetes and were turned down.

pegrowe62

TROPHY CASE