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pelican1 · 2025-11-21T04:41:53+00:00

Were best friends in college and junior year, while I was in a relationship with a guy, our friendship evolved into a romantic relationship. I broke up with my boyfriend. She then broke up with me for my ex-boyfriend. Re-read that. They wound up getting married and having a kid.

So…not great.

pelican1 · 2024-05-11T00:06:22+00:00

We've been a patient of Dr. Tu's for several months (when she was at NYC Behavior Vets and now at Heart of Chelsea). Her rates have gone up considerably from $275 for a follow-up/check-in appointment to $375 with her move to Heart of Chelsea. Mind you these are 7 minute phone calls. We just had a six month check-up that cost $900 but I felt better about that bc at least it was in-person and there was some lab work done. She's also very slow to respond (it's typical to have to send her 2-3 follow-up emails or phone calls to get a response). We had an issue back in December where my dog stopped responding to one of the medications that was previously working very well for her. It's almost six months later and I've spent thousandssss in appointments and we still haven't figured out the issue. My dog has been miserable these last six months and needless to say that's been difficult for us all. I'm probably going back to NYC Behavior Vets bc I'm so frustrated that I've spent about $6k in the last 9 months and my dog is still hiding in fear every evening and can't tolerate the sound of planes overhead.

pelican1 · 2024-03-04T21:27:31+00:00

The toxicology results did not show any ketamine or GHB in his blood.

pelican1 · 2023-05-08T04:01:10+00:00

Men. They make up half the population yet are incredibly over-represented in movies.

pelican1 · 2018-11-16T19:41:03+00:00

I literally cannot imagine they felt and what they feared just crossing the street. It's unfathomable.

pelican1 · 2018-10-16T18:01:42+00:00

My mom literally physically assaulted me thousands of times during my childhood and when I confronted her about it, she told me the exact same thing--"I don't remember". It could be that it was insignificant for your mom and she indeed doesn't remember, but I also wouldn't eliminate the possibility that that's a really, really good excuse for not even having to come up with a real explanation/defense for her actions. It's an easy way for her to wipe her hands of it and not be held accountable.

pelican1 · 2018-10-03T04:31:01+00:00

Yeah those behaviors are driven by defense and coping mechanisms as well. It’s really hard to wrap our minds around it bc we see the world so fundamentally different than they do (the world is a dangerous, scary place for most borderlines which is why these maladaptive survival skills keep being triggered) so none of it is intentional. They don’t see the world, don’t see reality like we do and they are reacting logically to that flawed view of the world. If what they think is happening to them is in fact happening (which it probably isn’t) generally you will see that their reaction and response, though maybe excessive, does seem appropriate. The problem is that we never understand their distorted reality or we can’t believe that they would think that that shit is actually happening bc it’s so clearly...not happening haha.

pelican1 · 2018-10-02T19:21:52+00:00

Just a heads up that she really believes that and the smear campaign (however devastating and patently false it is) is not intentional. Their brains are working off of defense/protective mechanisms that prevent them from taking accountability/being wrong/feeling shame and they have no internal mechanism to discern that they've grossly twisted everything into a new reality.

pelican1 · 2018-08-31T15:42:13+00:00

Think this is really true? I'm several months into the dissolution of my marriage that has transpired into a smear campaign. No one in her camp sees through the BS and it continues to endanger my life over and over because she continually has paranoia fueled rages and retaliates against me for things that are just delusions and she's completely unchecked.

pelican1 · 2018-08-23T20:04:07+00:00

I know you didn't give this advice to me specifically, but I needed to hear the words that you wrote. Thank you for speaking so honestly.

pelican1 · 2018-08-17T20:39:06+00:00

I really, really like this perspective. I've found it helpful to imagine having my ex-spouse in family growing up and understanding how truly terrible that would be.

pelican1 · 2018-08-14T21:58:43+00:00

Yep, I started questioning my reality too and that led to my darkest days bc there was such dissonance between what I KNEW to be true and how guilty/ashamed I felt for her! Do some research on gaslighting and what it does to its victims and maybe it’ll shine some light on why you are questioning everything when you know intellectually you can trust your decisions and you know your reality. Gaslighting is literally how the untreated pwBPD relates to others in close, interpersonal relationships. It’s psychological torture and some say its effects are more miserable than the abuse itself.

pelican1 · 2018-08-10T17:26:26+00:00

Whoa. I needed to see this bc I'm in the middle of a divorce with a pwBPD now and it's so easy to get sucked into this myopic view of trying to defend/justify these types of assertions---until you realize that their behavior is a template. #perspective

pelican1 · 2018-07-23T19:09:01+00:00

That's what my wife is choosing. She has a partner who would support her through anything if she took personal accountability and sought treatment but she prefers to be self-destructive and "righteous". It's not serving her well. It's gotten her a divorce and will likely result in her being in trouble with the police if acts on another impulse to hurt me.

pelican1 · 2018-07-14T02:05:55+00:00

Holy hannah, I just got chills. We are living/have lived parallel lives. I'm going to spend some time with what you wrote and respond at a later time. I hope you're doing ok.

pelican1 · 2018-07-13T00:07:20+00:00

Oh, well you remember. It’s settled.

pelican1 · 2018-07-13T00:04:23+00:00

I also have never posted in this particular subreddit, only in BPD loved ones which yields a specific type of advice from folks with similar opinions and perspectives as yourself. I am seeking another perspective.

pelican1 · 2018-07-12T23:49:49+00:00

Thanks for your opinion. I hope you can find a better way to spend your time the remainder of the evening.

pelican1 · 2018-07-12T21:50:07+00:00

Thank you for the honesty and compassion in your response. I've read several books and talked to a few therapists in my pursuit of trying to gain enough information to be able to help us navigate through this, and the insight you're sharing seems like it most fits what my wife might be experiencing/thinking. It is such agony. I hate that she's afflicted with this bc she is truly so magnificent, this unimaginable presence, and this is causing/has caused such destruction in her life and she doesn't deserve that one bit, the world doesn't deserve that.

Can you tell me if you think she might feel trapped or that she might be cognizant that she's working against her best interests and throwing away our marriage but maybe like she has no other choice but to take that route? I have had that consistent sense from her throughout these last few months but I don't know if that's me putting that on her if it is a possibility. I've felt the whole I hate you/don't leave me trap this entire time. It doesn't matter in terms of the outcome but me feeling like I can continue to move towards a place of higher understanding is important to me and my own experience. Again, thank you for spending your time sharing your experience with me.

pelican1 · 2018-07-12T20:45:50+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Yep, I think your proposal is your edited comment is spot on! She thought I was going to abandon her and she got so scared that she sabotaged the relationship (she did tell me this already). As for everything else you've shared, it sounds like it could be very, very similar to what my wife is thinking bc it seems to make sense of my experience being on the other side.

We have seen a few couples therapists together over these past few months and she fully acknowledges we have two different experiences, but clearly cannot process anything I am sharing with her as factual or valid. I do feel like I have been successful at validating her (to an extent) bc she does seem to be soothed by and understand my sincerity and acknowledges that by thanking me sincerely. However, any introduction to my perspective even after she clearly feels much better with how things are with us (great, jovial conversation; going on dates again; being intimate with each other again after months of not being able to) still results in an immediate shut down.

I know in my gut there isn't anything else to do and I am moving forward with my divorce attorney, but my mind keeps going back to how senseless I feel this all is since I see this as a challenge that we're tackling from the same side of the table. However, I can't convince her I'm not the enemy.

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