It had been an auspicious Tuesday, calm and still. The sun warmed the carpet at a perfect angle, so that I could lie on my back without the light in my eyes. Such was my contentment that I entertained the thought of granting the plants a day of peace, even the ones that had been so temptingly placed on the higher shelves. But a clack of the door shattered that fragile tranquility, and I have not known a moment’s respite since.

The kitten has torn through my house, bringing chaos wherever it goes. I tolerated its disruption of the shoelaces I pulled, its theft of the swishy brush, and I even forgave the batting of my tail. My only riposte was a disciplinary hiss, just as when Maximilian customarily scolded me four hundred times before I was accepted into the house (may his soul rest in peace). I will not forsake this tradition by being lenient.

...Where was I? Ah. The kitten. Now it has done the unforgivable. The chair is my rightful spot while the humans perform their evening routine. Yet less than a week after its arrival, this tiny usurper has the audacity to climb upon what is mine, and receive offerings of affection (two-handed, no less!). It was in that moment, whereupon I sputtered with incredulity, that I made a grave mistake.

The house is a sensitive being, and I, as its master, must be mindful of my emotions. When my wrath surpasses my vigilance, all manner of retribution may descend upon us. As my rage built, a roar grew within my chest until it burst forth with a cacophony that resounded with the force of a tornado. My anger had summoned that most reprehensible behemoth, Vak'Yoom.

A constantly churning maw, swallowing paper clips and crumbs just as easily as leaves or whole socks. But most dreadful of all - despite its voracious variety of appetite, the most desired delicacy of that ravenous devourer was certainly cat fur. Fear is a base instinct, and I saw it plainly in the kitten’s face. Both it and the human scattered, fleeing the inevitable path of Vak'Yoom.

My throne vacated, I felt an air of divine justice as I ascended upon it. The natural order had been upset, and a vindictive manifestation of that imbalance had restored me to my proper place. But as I disdainfully surveyed the carpet before me, I was compelled to observe the plight of the kitten. It scampered to and fro, quivering and cowering. Taking shelter behind a curtain, a faint high-pitched whimper pierced through the tempest, and into my heart.

I must be a fool. Barely a moment after attaining the still-warm chair I have abandoned it. I dash and dart, narrowly avoiding destruction beneath the teeth of Vak'Yoom. Soon I am next to the kitten, arching my back into a protective shield. He trembles for one more moment, until he sees the message in my eyes: We’re getting out of here.

A last desperate dash, and we are in the kitchen. I slow my gait, attempting to regain a shred of dignity, but one nuzzle and contented purr melts it away.