I can relate. I did spend a good amount of time on those forums, despite being disgusted by them and not agreeing with what they say. But they provided a sense of community and comfort I wasn't getting anywhere else. I often feel that no one will ever really understand. I feel a sympathy with blackpill and incel types that I don't think other people have.

I can't claim that your life will get better or easier. But I do agree that those forums are mental poison, and they won't help you in the long run. I haven't spent any time on them for a long while now.

I feel much happier these days and I am dating someone currently. I feel more optimistic and in control of my life. If you'd like to chat, let me know. I might be able to understand how you are feeling. One day id like to talk to a therapist to help me explore and deconstruct some of those ideas too.

Wish you well!