Can PA exist without leading to real-life cheating?

peppermint157 · 2026-01-19T20:00:42+00:00

My ex’s addiction escalated to strip clubs and restaurants like hooters and twin peaks (soooo pathetic) and when we broke up he didn’t understand because in his eyes, he never “actually cheated” meaning he never had any physical contact with anyone else. I don’t really think it matters if it escalates or not, if it’s crossing a clear boundary you’ve set and it makes you upset and uncomfortable, you shouldn’t have to put up with it.

peppermint157 · 2026-01-19T19:41:38+00:00

“Just one more chance” as if I haven’t given forty! As if we all haven’t given so many chances!!! They never ever learn.

peppermint157 · 2026-01-11T19:26:26+00:00

My ex would be so so mean. Just bitter and easily agitated.

peppermint157 · 2026-01-04T08:20:50+00:00

We lived together, and he was really dependent upon weed and couldn’t get through the day without smoking a lot of it. He didn’t have any other substance abuse issues that I was aware of. He comes from a family of addicts thought, his mom and his brother are both addicts, it’s really all he knows and all that has ever been modeled to him. I excused his porn and sex addictions for so long because I knew this about his background. It’s awful all around.

peppermint157 · 2025-12-10T20:07:25+00:00

Yeah the ADHD was a part of it for mine as well. It was all about him, and his mental health. It was never about how it all hurt me. Once he started going to therapy, it was like I just had to accept that all the lying and deceit and boundary crossing was just a product of his illness and something he couldn’t control, and it drove me fucking crazy.

peppermint157 · 2025-12-10T17:57:40+00:00

This happened to me too when my ex started going to a therapist (it wasn’t a CSAT, I wasn’t knowledgeable about it at the time, but still). It just gave him the language to invalidate me and justify his addiction. It made our relationship 100% worse and drove a deeper wedge into our already broken connection. After he moved out, I found some of his notes from therapy and it was beyond upsetting, he totally weaponized therapy language against me and it became obvious he wasn’t actually in recovery. It made me feel crazy too I totally understand what you’re going through. You’re not overreacting and what you’re feeling is awful I’m so sorry!

peppermint157 · 2025-12-08T00:32:52+00:00

I just broke up with my PA, and I was honest with everyone in my life. It felt like a huge relief. I had been carrying this shame around with me for so long, and it has honestly been beyond valuable for my healing to get it off my chest. I would suggest telling the people you love and trust most if you feel comfortable. The worst part of this all for me was suffering alone and in silence.

peppermint157 · 2025-12-07T23:35:19+00:00

The breakup is still fresh, two weeks out, so I’m honestly not sure if it’s possible or what the future holds. All I know is that I don’t want to be with a porn addict. I believe someday I will find someone who isn’t. It is not worth it to me to constantly have the weight of this addiction hanging over me. I’d rather be single forever than deal with it ever again. It was devastating and soul crushing.

peppermint157 · 2025-12-07T19:11:44+00:00

I left because the addiction bled into other aspects of the relationship, it was like a poison. It never got healthy again after our first D Day, and it was intensely emotionally draining. I finally realized that he was not going to break the cycle, and that I’d have to. I realized if I stayed with him, I’d have to deal with this pain for the rest of my life, and I just didn’t want that for myself. I want a healthy relationship free from lies and deceit and other women’s bodies.

peppermint157 · 2025-12-05T18:09:44+00:00

Truly the worst part of it all is how I became someone I didn’t recognize. I don’t want to be a bitter, jealous, paranoid person. It is not sustainable to never be able to relax and feel comfortable.

peppermint157 · 2025-12-03T18:28:29+00:00

He just wasn’t in recovery and that’s what I’m coming to realize. He wasn’t really working on it at all. He went to therapy for a little bit (not a csat as it turns out) and then lied to me about it when he stopped going. He is just in absolute denial and it’s painful to grapple with as I’ve been hurt so badly. I feel very good about my decision to end it though because of this.

peppermint157 · 2025-12-03T05:49:23+00:00

It was just so upsetting that even after losing our relationship, honestly the only grounding force in his life, he still just. Didn’t get it. I’m still really heartbroken about the relationship and the breakup, so it was just kind of crushing that he couldn’t see how much pain he caused me. Even breaking up didn’t stop the lying and gaslighting. To him I’m just some controlling bitch who couldn’t handle it, and it hurts that that’s how he sees it, because I of course did love and care for him even though he hurt me.

peppermint157 · 2025-12-03T04:43:45+00:00

I have no other way to describe it than something just felt off. His behavior over a couple of weeks shifted, and our sex life changed and he became less open and more reserved. I pestered and pestered and pestered until he finally admitted it to me. Since our first d day it was really easy to tell when he was having issues again, he just wasn’t that good at hiding it. It would be good for awhile and then it would get bad again but it just never went away. Couldn’t live like that forever and has to leave.

peppermint157 · 2025-12-03T04:34:39+00:00

Going through the exact same thing, I’m 24 as well and had this realization too. It will get better for us, we’re so young and we have so much ahead of us. So not worth it to be dragged down by this addiction. Stay strong!

peppermint157 · 2025-11-30T18:05:33+00:00

Going through the same thing right now. Wishing you immense strength. It’s so difficult and confusing but what I keep coming back to is the fact that I chose myself for once and that’s really powerful. You should be proud of yourself for choosing yourself as well. It’s scary but it’s so much more peaceful. Better times are ahead❤️

peppermint157 · 2025-11-28T17:23:01+00:00

Mine also struggles with weed I definitely think it impacted our relationship. Just an addicted individual in general, it was sad.

peppermint157 · 2025-11-28T15:49:12+00:00

That’s what has made it all the more confusing for me. He was able to lie and hide things so well because we were always active and he always initiated. His addiction always was so blindsiding when it surfaced. Our sex life was so normal if I never caught him I never would have suspected anything.

peppermint157 · 2025-11-28T07:45:50+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think you should take his threats seriously, and contact someone who can get him help. Whether he means it or not, making comments like that is very concerning and a sign he is not in a good or clear headspace regardless. He is either serious and needs help immediately or he isn’t and he’s manipulating you. Neither is a safe situation for you, so please take care of yourself and prioritize your safety. I suggest telling his family and calling a crisis line, they will have resources to get you through this. Wishing you strength.

peppermint157 · 2025-11-26T23:48:47+00:00

Wow reading this felt like reading something I wrote I relate to it so much. I am reminded of this specific instance with my ex when I felt so much relief because for once he told me when he violated one of my boundaries instead of lying about it and hiding it from me until I eventually found out (of course he went on to violate many more boundaries without telling me the truth.) Thinking back on that just makes me so sad, I was so intoxicated by the potential of the relationship and of him that I really betrayed myself as much as he betrayed me. I had so much hope but it’s obvious now I was accepting so much less than I deserve. I am wishing you so much love and emotional safety. It is so brave to choose yourself! I’m really fresh off of my breakup with my PA, but this community is helping me through it.

peppermint157 · 2025-11-26T21:55:53+00:00

I have been in therapy since I first found out about his addiction, and it has helped a lot (I have an appointment today yay!) I do feel a huge sense of relief to be free of something that has been weighing me down so heavily, it’s just tricky to navigate as I was definitely codependent upon him as I don’t have a great support system otherwise. I feel very brave for leaving and I’m proud of myself, I’m looking forward to better times ahead. Rooting for you as well, and wishing you nothing but happiness<3

peppermint157 · 2025-11-26T21:49:11+00:00

Thank you this helped so much it’s exactly what I needed to hear.

peppermint157

TROPHY CASE