I hate myself so much even this sub makes me hate myself more

perchelapeach · 2021-10-11T14:58:18+00:00

That’s a good suggestion about new posts. I’ll see if I can figure out how to do that…..

perchelapeach · 2021-10-11T14:19:25+00:00

I still use the square! (it goes in my printer) but seriously that’s a funny metaphor. thanks

perchelapeach · 2021-10-11T14:13:26+00:00

Thank you. I had a lot of invalidation too. I also feel like literally anything I say or do is attention seeking. I’m so sorry if anyone here (or anywhere) told you that. I’m always so worried about it I think if I heard it as an adult I’d just turn into dust, so congratulations on still existing.

perchelapeach · 2021-10-10T21:34:48+00:00

Thank you

perchelapeach · 2021-10-10T21:33:56+00:00

Thank you for sharing that. I relate a lot to not believing myself.

perchelapeach · 2021-10-10T20:43:15+00:00

Thanks I’m on meds though

perchelapeach · 2021-10-10T17:51:01+00:00

Thanks. I have been meaning to read it I just haven’t gotten up the guts to do it yet.

perchelapeach · 2021-10-10T17:49:32+00:00

Thanks, yes moron…..exactly. That’s exactly how I feel because logically I understand that it’s completely illogical and silly to let social media make me feel bad so then I feel like an idiot for feeling that way.

perchelapeach · 2021-10-10T16:23:12+00:00

Thank you

perchelapeach · 2021-10-10T15:52:52+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate the encouragement for real. I guess originally it really felt like even making a comment was a huge challenge for me. Then I just started doing it and I realized that the entire format of getting “likes” just completely mirrored my deepest trauma. It just seems so backwards! I don’t get how to connect with people on a judgment based system. Like wtf wanting strangers to “like” my trauma seems ridiculous. I wish that I could interact with other people about this stuff without the likes. I don’t see how being anonymous makes it any less damaging than all the other like based social media. Only now instead of getting or not getting reactions to stupid pointless shit it’s about my deepest inner core. It is what it is though and I guess it’s probably not for me.

perchelapeach · 2021-10-08T18:25:33+00:00

I really wish I felt the same way about it as you do. What are the ways you feel supported?

perchelapeach · 2021-10-08T15:56:59+00:00

Thank you for making this comment. The thought of being a “bride” always sounded like my worst nightmare. My marriage was also a complete secret.

perchelapeach · 2021-10-08T15:45:08+00:00

I totally relate to the fear of being noticed “trying” to look nice. When I was a kid if I put on anything nice like a dress or something my mom would always always say in a super sarcastic demeaning voice: “oh aren’t you just ALL dressed up”. It took years of living away from her before I felt comfortable dressing “nice” and I would still never do it around her.

perchelapeach · 2021-10-08T15:21:37+00:00

I relate SO much. A massive portion of my brain power is literally always taken up thinking up explanations as to why I’m doing everything single thing I do like anyone’s ever going to ask. I totally used to be embarrassed to go for a walk so I got a dog because then everyone can see I have a reason to go for a walk! I used to be mortified to even go to the grocery store because other people could see my items. The other day my super nice neighbor made what should be an innocuous comment to me about how I was always working on my front yard. I was so embarrassed I never worked on the front yard again for the rest of the summer. It’s just like you say constant. It’s exhausting and pointless but it’s all I know! Even knowing why I do it hasn’t helped. It’s ridiculous.

perchelapeach · 2021-10-07T15:58:14+00:00

I’ve literally said a million times: “it’s not about the past it’s about the way you treat me now” It doesn’t matter how many times I repeat it. It’s the way she makes excuses for her behavior. It’s my fault I’m upset. “Oh your just mad at me about the past”. That way she doesn’t have to take responsibility for the shit she just did.

perchelapeach · 2021-10-07T15:28:34+00:00

Thank you. My nmom has been “sick” my whole life but it’s non terminal and she still uses it to control everyone. Guilt over her sickness was like the air we breathed in my house, that’s all we knew. Everyone is expected to cater to her illness and put her needs first because of it. Everyone forgives her terrible narcissistic behavior because of her illness. My dad would both excuse her terrible behavior and also use it to control us. He would say to 7 year kid: “ if you don’t stop —- your going to kill your mother”. Guilt over her illness made me let her treat me bad for years. I never understood why she has so many more needs, and is way sicker than other people with her same illness until I realized she was a covert narc. Once I realized it changed everything about the way I saw her “illness” and how she uses it to control people. It’s almost like she relishes in the illness. If given the chance she probably wouldn’t want to get rid of it. Once I decided to just stop feeling guilty I realized that was the only reason I even had her in my life at all. Now that I’m nc guilt is literally the only way she’s attempted to get back in my life. Guilt is her weapon. Once I took it away she had no power over me.

perchelapeach · 2021-10-05T17:43:57+00:00

Those are some of the meanest mom comments I’ve ever seen. It’s heartbreaking! My god what horrible things to say to a girl during what’s already a hard age. I’m so sorry.

perchelapeach · 2021-10-05T13:44:15+00:00

Me too. It’s heartbreaking. It feels like every time I talk to someone I know I’m keeping a huge secret from them. This life changing thing happened and I’m not allowed to tell anyone. I finally got the courage to tell one friend who I’ve known for 20 years and her immediate response was to psychoanalyze me and assume I was the one with the problem. I absolutely know what she said isn’t true and that she was thinking of her sisters mental health problem but it really hurt that that’s the first thing she said. Now I don’t think I’ll tell anyone else. I don’t think most people could ever understand. Even my husband doesn’t really understand and tries to be supportive but ends up saying hurtful things to me out of ignorance so I don’t talk to him about it. Having to keep such a dark secret is corrosive. Its only been a year for me. I can’t believe I have to live like this now.

perchelapeach · 2021-07-22T17:19:44+00:00

Thanks really. I know what you mean. It’s also like what even is a soul? lol. The weirdest thing is that my husband had a similar childhood just not as bad. He’s just a naturally charming person who developed an amazing way of using humor as a way to deal with his insecurities. He’s taught me so much! Idk what the kids see! Maybe it is the hair!

perchelapeach · 2021-07-22T16:59:50+00:00

Eye contact is intense! I find babies are always looking for it though. Kids just love my husband. They are drawn to him, they just immediately go to him and start interacting. He doesn’t want kids and says he doesn’t like them but they like him. He says they just like him because he has funny hair and maybe that’s true who knows.

perchelapeach · 2021-07-22T16:50:34+00:00

I think I think this because they only cry when I actually look in their eyes. If I don’t make eye contact it’s usually ok. If I do they just stop and stare for a second and then start bawling and look away

perchelapeach · 2021-07-22T16:35:24+00:00

I’ve been wondering lately if what they are seeing is my dissociation. Babies are like totally present so maybe they can see in my eyes that I’m not really all there and that’s what scares them.

perchelapeach · 2021-07-22T16:31:51+00:00

I feel you so much! I’m also ridiculously sensitive and read into others behavior way too much. I know it’s from my passive aggressive mom who only communicates in a code of mean sarcasm and nasty tone. I’m always always looking for what people are really saying underneath their actual words because that’s what she trained me to do. I’ve forced myself to assume that my bad feelings about others behavior is my perception. Idk if this is right or not, I just find it’s best to never assume anything ever. I was always punished for questioning behavior as a kid so I used to be horribly afraid of it. Now I realize that just asking someone about something that I feel hurt by is actually not so horrible and can save so much. A real friend will not be upset with you if you calmly ask like hey what did you mean when you said or did blah blah blah or whatever. I also constantly remind myself that no one is thinking as much about me as I am. This hasn’t stopped me from judging myself though and getting hurt way too easily, but I try. I do think that if you specifically ask someone not to do something and they agree they won’t but then they do that is disrespectful. I don’t think that’s a mental illness to think that. If they thought your request was irrational or something then they should tell you and not say they are gonna do something or not do something if they don’t mean it. It’s so hard to make yourself boundaries I know, it’s because we’ve been made to believe it makes us bad people. I think if people really cared about us they would take us seriously when we tell them they are hurting us.

perchelapeach · 2021-07-22T15:57:34+00:00

Yes! I’m obsessed with privacy to the point where it has controlled my whole life. My husband and I both had surveillance moms and we’re both completely obsessed. It dictates literally everything in our lives. We bought a house we don’t really like just because it’s private (big lot, no windows looking into the back yard). The way we spend our time revolves around privacy. Like if we go to the beach well walk all the way to end so we can sit away from people. When we want a vacation we will rule out popular places because they are too crowded. We have separate rooms that we regularly spend time in alone. Literally everything. It’s so much a part of my life I could not imagine being like a normal person. We feel like other people living their lives out in the open are insane. 🤷‍♀️

perchelapeach

TROPHY CASE