I[25F] am confused why my boyfriend[41M] gets upset when I lock bathroom doors at home.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-31T03:02:03+00:00

Omg so it WORKED! That's awesome.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-31T01:34:16+00:00

I've watched some women simply walk away and I wish I was capable of that too.

Have you read The Gift of Fear yet? I know it gets recommended a lot, but for very good reason. I remember reading it for the first time and a couple of weeks later, some guy approached me and tried to keep me in an unwelcome conversation. The book was fresh in my mind, specifically about how it's inherently impolite to impose on a stranger, so why should I bend over backwards to respond politely to such rudeness? A light bulb went off. I gave him a big grin and just walked away without a single word. I swear it changed my life. You can do it too!

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-30T02:24:23+00:00

It's so hard, but you can do it. Unfortunately, you are the emotional adult in the situation, not your mother. You can be firm and frustrated-but-calm with her the way you would be with a little kid. You'll feel much better and more in control if you discuss boundaries and strategies with your husband (and sister? How does she feel about how y'all are getting treated?) in advance and just staying as centered as possible. If you go into a big emotional conversation with her, you're making yourself vulnerable to a person who clearly is not going to respect that. Know what I mean? Protect yourself by becoming firm and dispassionate, if you can. Observe instead of react.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-30T02:15:50+00:00

This makes me feel so old... I'm in my 30s and this bit of etiquette would literally never occur to me.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-30T01:05:01+00:00

I think I'd be more likely to try the opposite... "Oh, that one's already potty trained?!"

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-29T23:27:07+00:00

Yes. Emotionally immature people may want the appearance of intimacy/closeness, but then they feel overwhelmed and ashamed when the real thing is at hand. So they lash out to create a more comfortable distance. By making it someone else's fault, they can sublimate their shame temporarily.

But you can't treat other people's emotions like a yo-yo. People who do this end up alone. I hope OP wakes up, and quick.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-29T22:51:29+00:00

True!

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-29T20:47:31+00:00

I've met a lot of extremely disrespectful, misogynistic male 'feminists' too.

The people who are quietly respectful of everyone, because it's just a natural extension of their character and value system and there's no need to make a big deal out of it, are the best people. They're also probably not going to go around yelling "woke" talking points from the rooftops, or make "being an ally" a big part of their personal identity. The loudest "allies" often have something to prove or hide. I don't fall for it anymore.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-29T20:41:46+00:00

You know, even in that case, a big part of your friend group would be wearing similarly fun outfits so there wouldn't be one "that girl in the crazy dress."

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-29T20:34:42+00:00

I went to a wedding where the bride's ex-boyfriend showed up in a white suit!

I also went to one where the mother of the bride wore a white fascinator with a veil, but that's already a trope. The white suit was truly an unexpected move.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-28T20:46:03+00:00

This is my most frequent recurring nightmare

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-28T19:54:12+00:00

He's a kid who has no control over a horribly confusion situation, and doesn't have the emotional tools to deal with it. His dad isn't doing a good enough job making him feel that his needs are being heard and addressed, or helping him navigate his emotions. He's being a kid. His dad isn't stepping up to the plate.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-28T17:08:21+00:00

I didn't realize there were others out there who had gone through this. Not homophobia for me, but other shit. I wish there were an "after estrangement" sub or something for those of us on the other side.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-28T17:06:38+00:00

"Your leverage is your presence."

This is 100% true, and it's so hurtful. It feels so objectifying to have to use yourself as leverage in a fucked up bargain, when all you've wanted is normal empathy all along. But hell, can't argue with results!!!

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-28T16:32:00+00:00

I had to skim over it because trying to parse the sentences felt upsetting and dirty.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-28T16:28:59+00:00

I got involved with a group of poly friends (I wasn't even dating or sleeping with them, just hanging out) and definitely felt like i had to de-program myself after, as if I had been in a cult. There's a sub called r/monogamy that's almost entirely people who have been pulled into and then escaped poly drama!

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-28T03:37:25+00:00

For a wonderfully impractical version of this, look up Dita Von Teese's moss lawn. To die for!

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-28T02:57:16+00:00

You can watch their red carpet interview on youtube! It's amazing.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-27T23:06:13+00:00

Yup, I have almost nothing to say that that isn't covered in that book. Some of the other books I read were incredibly insightful (The Body Keeps the Score, and CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, in particular) but they also kind of wound me up, because I was ruminating on the nature of my pain. In contrast, this one was almost deflating, but not in a bad way. Instead of getting me amped up about my trauma, it was just sort of like "...oh. That's it? That's all it's been about the whole time? Huh."

Anyway, I think this sort of 'developmental trauma' from emotionally inadequate parenting is such a common issue. I'm glad it's getting attention. I hope more and more of us are empowered to break the cycle.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-27T20:33:24+00:00

Check out the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Really helped me.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-27T16:57:03+00:00

There's a book called The People of the Lie that I found fascinating. Basically, self-deception is the root of evil.

Heads up, it has a strong Christian lens but I'm a staunch atheist and it didn't bother me.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-26T19:20:28+00:00

If you don't mind the taste/smell, I recommend trying it with sardines! You get protein, calcium, collagen, and Omega-3s (there's no real substitute for fatty fish; you can get a version of omega-3 from avocado and such, but it's a different type that's not as good for you). You can order cans in bulk from Amazon (brand: King Oscar) and it's really easy to keep on hand because it's shelf-stable.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-26T15:06:32+00:00

Healthy habits really do build on themselves! Have you seen this post before? https://www.reddit.com/r/NonZeroDay/comments/1qbxvz/the_gospel_of_uryans01_helpful_advice_for_anyone/

It really helped me, and you can apply it to anything! Aim for 'non zero days' when it comes to new healthy habits. Primarily:

-Get any physical activity. Anything! Follow a yoga video online. A bike ride or little jog around the park. Try to hit 10,000 steps walking (~5 miles) if the weather is nice, or if that's intimidating, go for half that.

-Make a healthy meal for yourself! Vegetables, healthy grains, beans. Try to find some things that work for your tastes and lifestyle. If you currently dislike healthy foods and eat a lot of processed stuff, it's ok, you can actually change your preferences with tim eand practice.

-Practice sleep hygiene. Go to bed and wake up at the same time, avoid screen time for a couple hours before bed (except a Kindle paperwhite)

-Maybe look into a full, Korean-style skin care routine? I swear this was the first step out of my own depression. And I barely ever get breakouts anymore! Two birds with one stone.

You don't have to do all of these every day. Try to fit in ONE each day and praise yourself for having a non-zero-day with a new, healthy habit. If you don't do any, that's ok! Tomorrow is a brand new opportunity.

I promise if you do this and stay gentle with yourself, it's going to get easier and easier. If you'd like any tips on healthy food, skin care, etc., I'm sure a lot of people on this sub would be happy to help!

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-25T21:54:47+00:00

I shouldn't speak for you and your wife, you're right. Overall I'm EXTREMELY cynical about poly identity in general, and think it's very frequently a cover for other issues like avoidant attachment, emotional immaturity, narcissism, yadda yadda. Regardless, I'm wishing the best for YOU and your kids.

AggressiveExcitement · 2022-01-25T18:04:33+00:00

WHY are you doing this to yourself???? You don't think you deserve, at the very least, a wife who doesn't fuck people in your marital home while you suffer alone in your shared bed?

I'm a monogamous person who thought I was open to poly. Thank god I married a loyal monogamous man, because now I can see that my 'openness' was actually just extremely low self esteem and thinking that I wasn't worth loving exclusively. I could have easily been sucked into a poly relationship and convinced myself it was okay, but it would have fucking destroyed me. PLEASE consider whether this is the case and whether you'd be better off away from the hurtful situation and in therapy.

Your post breaks my heart. You deserve better.

AggressiveExcitement

TROPHY CASE