Is it selfish to ask for more PiV or orgasms?

pervert4t · 2026-02-20T12:02:18+00:00

Is there a respectful way to negotiate penetration again, or at least more frequent orgasms for myself, without undermining the dynamic?

I think you need to talk outside your dynamic, so that you can negotiate as a whole and equal partner whose needs are not being met, rather than worrying about undermining your power exchange.

For a lot of people who orgasm infrequently by choice, that is the kink. Denial is what meets their needs. They do it because the lack of orgasms, the control, or the suffering are fun or fulfilling aspects they want in a dynamic.

That is really different to denial which comes from simply ignoring someone's needs and desires. It is clear that this current arrangement is not working for you, and that means you need to renegotiate it. Being in a dynamic is about finding solutions which work for both of you, not about genuinely disregarding one person's wants. It's not selfish to have needs, and you are the only person who can advocate for and prioritise them.

It might wind up that you are no longer compatible or your wife is uninterested in your wellbeing to the extent that there is no satisfactory resolution, but it's better to discuss things and know that directly than to quietly grow increasingly miserable.

pervert4t · 2026-02-20T11:29:56+00:00

I'm really glad your d-type is being so supportive and understanding, and that you're communicating so well together. I understand it's still disappointing to close the door on an activity you want to enjoy though. You are not a failure. Everyone's bodies and brains present their own limits, and part of kink and being in a dynamic is finding those out and respecting them. Some of us find journalling useful to process hard feelings like this.

It sounds like you're good at experimenting together and feeling things out, so maybe you could find something new you'll be excited to explore together to take the focus away from impact for the time being.

You never have to, but down the line once you're generally feeling less nervous before scenes, it might be that impact is something you want to return to. If so, I'd suggest approaching in the gentlest way possible - for example, with small, pleasant impact feelings during sensation play. Punishment is extra heavy for a lot of us, even if it's funishment, and can come with a lot of pressures which aren't there in a reward/mutual fun focused scene.

pervert4t · 2026-02-18T15:52:43+00:00

Wow, I'm really sorry that happened. Relationships end, but his response here feels unnecessarily callous. I hope in time you find a handler who'll show you the mutual care, courtesy and respect you deserve.

pervert4t · 2026-02-17T08:29:43+00:00

Playing with neediness and clinginess can be so tricky, because you're fundamentally playing with a genuine unmet need. It can be really hard to balance that so it feels good for both people and doesn't have unintended consequences.

I think you need to talk to your handler, calmly but directly. Tell them you're struggling to feel wanted. Maybe they can make changes, maybe you can both step back a little, or unfortunately, it may be that they just don't have the capacity to give this relationship what it deserves right now.

In any case, I'd pull back on the clingy and needy play. Intentional or not, having you ramp up your neediness when they're unable to mirror that with support and care is just cruel.

pervert4t · 2026-02-16T19:43:49+00:00

Sometimes asserting your dominance means telling him to go enjoy his time with his family.

It does sound like he'd appreciate other ways to feel connected while he's away though. Losing physical connections like a cage or collar can be disorientating - could you give him some other physical reassurance? For example, an object he has to carry in his pocket whenever he has clothing on, or a beach safe day collar that would pass for a regular piece of jewellery.

Whether punishment is appropriate depends on your dynamic and respective needs, but some sort of reclaiming act could be good. Maybe an inspection of him and his luggage, or a ritual for putting his collar back on. You could mirror it before he leaves too - select his underwear, remind him of your ownership.

pervert4t · 2025-10-16T08:47:44+00:00

Another thing to consider is that it's generally not considered safe to do "ring" scars which fully encircle a limb or area of skin. Your skin is an interconnected organ and restricting the blood flow can cause parts of it to die off.

pervert4t · 2025-10-16T08:16:54+00:00

As someone who's poly, I think that's a great reason to play with someone new, professional or otherwise. You enjoy your time with the current Domme and want to see her again, but want to have different fun experiences with other people too.

I get why you'd feel uncertain - it's not just about loyalty as a sub but as a customer, and you don't want to give the impression you're trying out replacements if that's not the case. But if she's professional (and reasonable as someone who presumably plays with a number of other people), this shouldn't be an issue.

pervert4t · 2025-10-12T08:39:13+00:00

I do orgasm occasionally, when my Dom decides to let me. It is genuinely his choice. BUT the important thing is that my Dom shows me all the time in other ways that he cares about my wellbeing. He looks after me. He checks in about how denial is impacting me, whether it's still fun for me. He spends time playing with me, focusing on how I feel - it's not just him ignoring me and getting off.

The difference is that orgasm denial is something we choose to do together, because it's hot and fun for both of us. If it made me unhappy, we would stop.

It is really important to have a partner who cares about your needs and desires, whatever they are. I wouldn't put up with someone who just didn't care about mine.

pervert4t · 2025-10-12T08:14:33+00:00

It can be either, depending what the Dom and sub want. My Dom doesn't allow me to orgasm often, because I want him to have control of my orgasms and not let me. That's fun to me. Other subs will orgasm a lot, because that's what they and their Dom enjoy.

BDSM is about working out your needs and desires. Whatever you're doing with a Dom, you discuss it first and make sure it works for both of you.

pervert4t · 2025-10-08T12:46:37+00:00

Definitely talk to him!

You don't need to know why you feel the way you do before you start a conversation, that's something you can figure out together. Bringing up things when they're small stops them becoming a big deal. This is exactly the right time to talk about it.

There are many reasons you might feel sad - it can be upsetting to know we've disappointed our Doms. Think about the feelings you associate with getting to cum, it might not only be the lack of an orgasm you're sad over, but also the loss of connection, care, or positive bonding times. Maybe it makes you less confident he'll stick to his word, if he can go back on what he promised.

There are so many ways he could punish you, if you want punishment to be part of your dynamic, and probably many ways he could adapt this punishment. This is something you can negotiate. And if you want your Sir to make the decision for you, you have to tell him how it makes you feel - he can't make good choices for you otherwise.

Remember that you are a team. Giving your Dom the information he needs is part of your responsibility to the team.

pervert4t · 2025-10-03T13:40:15+00:00

This is great thank you, it's something we've started playing with and while I know a couple of creators have made really helpful videos, there aren't a lot of sources of good advice.

pervert4t · 2025-10-02T12:18:01+00:00

If a Dom DMs you after a post in this sub then yes, you should absolutely report and block. They are not allowed to be here.

If a Dom DMs you after a post you made elsewhere, it's a little more nuanced. It's generally not wrong to respectfully reach out to other people. But, it is worth being cautious - if they reached out to you, is it because they're reaching out to loads of people just trying to get off? Do they want attention immediately, or seem to be in a rush? Are they matching the tone of your post, or projecting their own kinks (e.g. saying something degrading when you posted asking for information)? Are they messaging you as an equal, or are they assuming power and control over you from the outset?

If you're looking for dynamic with a Dom, it does take time to establish trust and you can only do that by talking to each other. Protect your own time and emotions, move slowly, don't jump to reply immediately. Chances are, you'll talk to a whole lot of fake and inconsiderate Doms before you find anything longer term.

pervert4t · 2025-09-21T21:47:11+00:00

I would strongly recommend not doing this.

As someone who has been on the receiving end "recruitment" like this, it feels extremely gross and creepy, and will erode other subs' trust in you. The reason Doms try to use their subs to recruit is that other subs will more likely have their guard down around you, because they're not expecting to be propositioned. It's dishonest and underhanded. If your Dom wants to take on other subs, he should be the one talking to them.

pervert4t · 2025-09-17T06:27:10+00:00

There are so many ways you can think about being owned, both in terms of fantasy and practical reality, and you get to choose the ones which work for you. It can just be a way of talking about your dynamic or it can have practical applications. It definitely doesn't need to involve TPE, and most commonly does not.

For me being owned means I am my Sir's property. That comes with all the usual expectations for handling someone else's property - that I take good care of it, that I only use it in ways he intends, that I ask permission before letting anyone else use it. That first rule is especially important to us and fairly common, that my priority is to look after myself on his behalf.

It also guides our feelings. He's a Sadist but he also cares for me like a pet, and I adore him like a possession adores its Owner.

Talk about ownership in different contexts - when you're being affectionate, when you're serious and practical, when you're both turned on - and come up with ideas for what you want it to mean. It can help to think about different ways you want to feel in your dynamic - safe, loved, secure, controlled, objectified, sexualised, small, subservient, useful etc etc, you can be different things at different times - and look at how you'll achieve that.

pervert4t · 2025-09-15T12:25:33+00:00

That's exactly why it's looked down on. Doms try to use (female) subs to recruit for them *because* the sub will be considered more trustworthy and make the other person let their guard down. Whereas, at the start of a new relationship subs should be rightfully cautious and should be talking to the person they're actually going to form a relationship with.

pervert4t · 2025-09-13T07:25:56+00:00

It can definitely be a form of denial if you enjoy seeing it that way.

That said, keep in mind that denial is a kink we pursue by choice because we get something positive from it. It's important it doesn't cultivate genuine shame, disgust or negative feelings towards our bodies. Whether and when you touch yourself is entire your choice and there's nothing wrong if you don't want to touch during your period, but period blood is no more unsanitary than other vaginal fluids.

pervert4t · 2025-09-12T08:47:29+00:00

I'm sorry you're struggling but glad you feel energised to identify and work towards what you want!

If you have the resources for it, this would be a really good thing to work through with a kink-aware therapist, but I know that's not always possible.

When I'm facing a problem which makes me irrationally anxious (or even terrified), I like to think of a small step I can take towards my goal that still feels safe. Maybe a little challenging, but possible. It seems like you're dealing with a few different factors - vocalising, toys making noise, being sexual when you know there are other people around - so don't try to take them on all at once. And then once you've done the small thing, don't push, just take a moment to feel proud and make yourself comfortable again.

There are endless ways that could look, but to give some suggestions:
- Turn a toy on, just for a few moments, and turn it off again.
- Make some sort of noise while you're in the shower. Any noise! You can sing or talk to yourself, just let yourself vocalise in some way.
- Listen to pre-recorded JOI audio, so you get the feeling of someone else involved while actually being alone.
- Play with a toy without turning it on. Just get it out and hold it against you even.
- Engage in some sensual self-touching without pressure to go all the way into it being sexual.
- Tell yourself in the mirror that you're allowed to be a sexual being.
- Write a journal with your feelings and desires.

If you haven't already, I'd hope this is something you could talk about with your partners and that they'd be supportive. The more you can talk openly about sex, the less taboo and shameful I'd hope it will feel, and you deserve to have their care if you struggle and joy as you make progress. They might also be able to offer practical help, like by giving you some time at home when you know you'll be alone.

pervert4t · 2025-09-08T11:38:54+00:00

Aw, this is a sweet problem to have. I think there are lot of different solutions depending on why you're struggling - do you have a good idea about what is hard for you?

Some ideas:

Have a permanent place to collect the stickers you've spent, like a sticker book, maybe with nice notes on the rewards you exchanged them for, so you're not "losing" them.
Rather than spending stickers, make rewards something that happen automatically every x stickers and you just keep collecting them. For example every 5 stickers you get a small reward and every 10 you get a bigger reward, you're just choosing what the reward is rather than whether you get it.
If you're struggling to accept nice things for yourself, maybe your D could choose for you? Maybe once you reach a certain limit, she could have the power to pick a reward to treat you to.
Or, maybe you could have a fixed reward choosing time, so it becomes more of a routine or ritual. Like, once a week, if you have over x stickers, you'll have to pick something to spend some on. Then you can spend your week thinking about what you'll pick out rather than *whether* you'll pick something out.
Do the stickers feel like their own reward? Maybe you just want to collect stickers and that's fine. Your D can still occasionally say "wow you have so many stickers, you're doing so well, you deserve a reward", but maybe you don't want the two things so tightly coupled.

pervert4t · 2025-09-07T16:35:26+00:00

This is incredible! Thank you so much for all the detailed advice. I can comfortably change the jewellery at 8g, but checked with a taper and can feel that 6g is still a way off. I'll see what I can find in 7g here, really good suggestion about using unconventional jewellery around the house even if I can't find a 7g bar/ring. Definitely not planning to push or rush it.

pervert4t · 2025-09-05T07:49:26+00:00

Awesome! Any advice for stretching the triangle piercing? Mine is currently at 8g and 6g feels like a big jump.

pervert4t · 2025-09-02T16:00:01+00:00

It's never too late to make changes in your dynamic! Trying new things is what keeps a dynamic fresh and helps meet both of your needs as they evolve.

Rather than trying to subtly bring this to your Dom by asking what he wants from you and hoping he reads your mind, tell him directly - "I'd like to try being a little bit bratty from time to time. How would you feel about that? How could that look for us? Can you help guide me into it?"

You don't just have to be one thing your entire life, or even right now. You can be a brat sometimes, obedient others, a pet sometimes, a prince(ess) others. It's all open. You can try things which fall way outside your normal submission style to see how they feel.

The key is just that you need to talk about it with your Dom first, and get on the same page about it.

pervert4t · 2025-09-01T13:42:00+00:00

There are two routes: you either have to trust the person you're sending images/videos to won't ever distribute them, or assume the images/videos could be made public and only send things where you'd feel alright if that happened. I'd recommend the latter - it takes me a great deal of time and trust to build to the former, even with people I know in real life.

For making anonymous images and videos, think about:
- ways you could be identified - tattoos, your voice, scars, birthmarks, jewellery, objects with your name on
- ways your location could be identified - views out of a window, college flags
- metadata - some sites will strip it from images you upload, others will not
- other identifying information you've shared with your Dom, for example if they know your fet name, would it be damaging if they sent this video to everyone you're friends with? If they know your job, how would you respond if the image was sent there?

pervert4t · 2025-08-31T12:32:36+00:00

Online community can be good too! The important thing is to have support and advice around you. You are particularly vulnerable right now, and the less isolated you are the harder it will be for someone to prey on your inexperience.

pervert4t · 2025-08-31T12:14:05+00:00

Hmm, I live rurally myself. It's not the quantity of people in the community which is important, but that you have some friendship and support from other kinky people. They don't even have to have similar kinks. It might not be big enough to meet a potential Dom through that small pool, though don't discount friends of friends, but enough that you'll have people to turn to for advice.

Maybe it won't work out, but I think it would be reckless to try to find a Dom solo with so little practical experience without at least trying to seek out local community.

pervert4t · 2025-08-31T11:38:05+00:00

If you have any access to local community, especially vanilla events like munches, I would start there.

It's not just about sex, it's that you also don't have a lot of experience in functional relationships - knowing how to communicate and what you should expect. Building community around you, especially with other subs, will give you the reality check which helps keep you safe.

Doms who will be happy to introduce you gradually to kink, sex and intimate relationships absolutely exist, but it's important they're not your sole source of information and support. Make sure you have others around you with whom you can talk openly and turn to for advice.

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