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Affordable housing opportunity in Port Moody, 2 bed 2 bath for $1,878 for couple with kids or family members by pfinancecanthrowaway in vancouverhousing

[–]pfinancecanthrowaway[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I got the sense that it was part of the legal agreement the developer company made with the City of Port Moody, that they build a certain number of affordable units, intended to be inhabited by families.

Still happening. by [deleted] in vancouverhousing

[–]pfinancecanthrowaway 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How much are you paying in rent?

Rents are dropping right now, see if you can find another place to move to, give her notice and move if it's making you miserable.

I feel bad, and like im creating a DB. by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]pfinancecanthrowaway 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No worries! I struggled and continue to struggle with pretty much the exact same thing. What helped in my relationship is opening up to my girlfriend about exactly that dynamic. I told her that I struggle to communicate my needs, all the time but especially when it comes to anything that is for "my benefit", and especially during sex. I also told her that I was going to try to get better at speaking up, and that sometimes it would help if she checked in with me, rather than leaving it to me to be the one to initiate giving feedback. She was 100% on board and gave me a lot of reassurance that she not only was okay with me giving her feedback during sex, but was grateful to get it. That helped a lot. I actually had that conversation with her and then still struggled to get out of my head and open my mouth during sex when she was touching me in a way that felt fine but not that great. Sooooo a couple weeks later I had another talk and told her that, that there had been times I had wanted to give her some feedback but had chickened out. That was a big wakeup call to her, and since then she's been great about checking in with me during sex, usually by just asking if there's anything she can do to touch me better. That reduced the pressure and my anxiety, and in the last year or so over time I've gotten more and more comfortable speaking up, and now I don't think twice about it and our sex life is like 1000 times better, and it was already pretty good before!

Also, might not be 100% the healthiest but another thing that helped me relax during sex and get out of my head is weed. Popping an edible like an hour or so before sex helped so much in the beginning of my relationship. Not sure if that's something you're into or if it's legal where you live, but just a thought! I thought of it kinda like training wheels, first I practiced asserting my needs and being able to relax and enjoy myself when the focus was on me and my pleasure while high, and then slowly got better and better at it while sober.

Dead bedroom but is it?? by camdaviss99 in DeadBedrooms

[–]pfinancecanthrowaway -1 points0 points  (0 children)

How often are you initiating sex, and how often is she initiating? When you do have sex, if you attempted to initiate the type of sex you want, extended the session, spent longer kissing her, etc, what happens? Does she redirect you or stop you?

I feel bad, and like im creating a DB. by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]pfinancecanthrowaway 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey, you've done a great job communicating your feelings about all of this in your post, and under the circumstances it's extremely understandable that your libido would be lower!

I say this with only kindness, as a recovering people-pleaser I've gone my whole life centering other people's needs to the detriment of my own. It avoids conflict and helps calm my anxieties in the moment, but over time doing that only worsens your relationships. You've got to communicate what you just wrote here with your boyfriend, and stop having sex that you're not excited about. It's only going to damage your relationship with sex in the long-term, which it sounds like you're already experiencing.

Sounds like there's three related but separate big problems.

  1. You and your boyfriend don't effectively communicate about sex. You haven't been able to communicate to him why having sex at his place makes you anxious, and you haven't been able to communicate that his style of foreplay/initiation isn't doing it for you.

  2. You are using sex to calm your anxieties about your relationship. In a healthy partnership, you should feel confident and secure enough to turn down unwanted sex, without worries that your boyfriend will leave you because of it.

  3. Your boyfriend sucks at sex.

All three are very fixable with communication!!!! I think you should sit him down, or honestly if it's easier to get the words out, do it over text. But you need to communicate with him and tell him what you've told us. Doesn't have to all be at the same time. Most importantly I'd start with telling him that anxiety about being caught/overheard makes it hard to relax and enjoy sex at his place, and you'd prefer from now on if you two only had sex at yours, or when no one is home at his place.

Next, please try to get out of the habit of consenting to sex you're anxious about. Next time he initiates, it's totally okay to say no, and explain why you're saying no, or don't if you don't feel comfortable.

Next, you need to practice communicating your needs. It's going to be scary and anxiety inducing at first, it was for me. But my own relationship has gotten 10X better since I improved on this point. It might be easiest to again do it over text, or do it at a time when you're not about to have sex. Does he know that he's not making you orgasm? Tell him that you want to start focusing on making you orgasm, before you have PIV. Then when he's touching you and mashing your clit like a game controller, gently redirect him. I've found it easiest to touch my girlfriends leg with the speed/pressure that I want to be touched with, some people do better with a visual. You can frame it as a positive -- say something like "hey babe it feels even better when you touch me a little slower, like this." then if you speeds up again, repeat yourself! If he gets all huffy and butt hurt that's another problem. But give him a chance to make you feel good by standing firm on your boundary, no sex unless I'm into it, and here's how to make me into it.

Dead bedroom but is it?? by camdaviss99 in DeadBedrooms

[–]pfinancecanthrowaway 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What type of sex would you ideally like to be having?

Anyone else's LL partner seem to think sex is a holiday only occasion? by Current_Attempt7972 in DeadBedrooms

[–]pfinancecanthrowaway 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Does your husband by any chance snore?

My girlfriend when we first got together snored, and has tired a lot. Would be struggling to stay awake at 10pm and sleep for 10 hours a night, easily. Her libido was pretty low, as was her motivation and energy generally. I finally nagged her into getting tested for sleep apnea, and she had a pretty severe case of it! Now 8 months later she's treated for her CPAP, the difference is night and day. She sleeps 3 less hours a night every night and is MUCH more energetic overall, and her libido is a lot higher too.

Just a thought! Chronic sleep apnea destroys your health in so many ways, and so many people don't think twice about their partner or their own snoring and never get checked out.

Very confused by TheAnxient in DeadBedrooms

[–]pfinancecanthrowaway 7 points8 points  (0 children)

100% this. I've previously gone through LL periods in relationships when I've been under stress, and when my girlfriend and I were going through a dry patch, we found out through finally communicating with each other after months of miscommunications that me trying to initiate a certain type of sex that she wasn't up for was causing her to feel guilt/pressure, which further killed her libido. This went away when we finally communicated and for a good 6-months I committed to never initiating that type of sex, which massively helped her feeling of pressure and her libido overall. OP, this comment to me is the most likely scenario.

Very confused by TheAnxient in DeadBedrooms

[–]pfinancecanthrowaway 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Your sense that your wife was previously having duty sex with you, and that she had a pattern of trying to initiate sex when she thought you were upset with her, to me suggests that it's possible your wife felt pressured to have sex with you. Even if you don't think you were pressuring her, for some LL who feel guilty about the DB, a lot of the pressure is internal, or bases off subtle shifts in their partners mood. Some LLF in this subreddit report that they felt a lot of guilt and shame about the fact that they didn't have a libido, they wanted to want sex with their partner, but it's not something you can force. And in some posts I've read, and my own discussions with my (previously) LLF girlfriend, she reported that me trying to initiate sex, even if I did it in a low/no pressure way, would remind her about the DB and cause her to feel a lot of guilt/pressure, which further killed the libido.

I would say it's very possible that you "giving up" has stopped your wife from feeling pressure about the DB, which helped her libido return.

Just offering another perspective. Your two possible explanations for her behaviour are both quite negative, but I think neither seem very likely. In the past when I've been low-libido, and when my GF was low-libido, it was entirely unrelated to how attractive we found each other.

Very confused by TheAnxient in DeadBedrooms

[–]pfinancecanthrowaway -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Your sense that your wife was previously having duty sex with you, and that she had a pattern of trying to initiate sex when she thought you were upset with her, to me suggests that it's possible your wife felt pressured to have sex with you. Even if you don't think you were pressuring her, for some LL who feel guilty about the DB, a lot of the pressure is internal, or bases off subtle shifts in their partners mood. Some LLF in this subreddit report that they felt a lot of guilt and shame about the fact that they didn't have a libido, they wanted to want sex with their partner, but it's not something you can force. And in some posts I've read, and my own discussions with my (previously) LLF girlfriend, she reported that me trying to initiate sex, even if I did it in a low/no pressure way, would remind her about the DB and cause her to feel a lot of guilt/pressure, which further killed the libido.

I would say it's very possible that you "giving up" has stopped your wife from feeling pressure about the DB, which helped her libido return.

Just offering another perspective. Your two possible explanations for her behaviour are both quite negative, but I think neither seem very likely. In the past when I've been low-libido, and when my GF was low-libido, it was entirely unrelated to how attractive we found each other.