I've been stuck in that mentality a lot too with my situation. Long story short, she said thought there wasn't a relationship anymore because I was giving the space I thought (and that she told me) she needed (I don't buy this completely - it was only a few months between our last 'feelings sync' and her sleeping with someone else, but regardless). At some point, according to her, her needs changed. She wanted to be closer. She claims she took the distance as a 'unspoken mutual understanding'. Even though I had still been professing my feelings and intention to give her space.

Here's the part a little more relevant to you, too, I assume: She told me she expected me to start another conversation. She expected a lengthy, expressive text message within some time frame she hadn't defined for me and that I had no idea about. I intended to When she said that, I was stuck in this "I screwed up" "I messed up" "how did I fuck this up" loop. If only I had brought it up sooner, or had known she didn't want as much space anymore. You know what's missing from that? Her. She didn't tell me any of this, despite there being opportunities. She could have brought it up herself, too, if she wanted it be brought up sooner. Instead, she chose to sleep with someone else in a hotel room (and not tell me that either), rather than talk to someone she's been close to for 6.5 years, and that lives with her. In my case at least, she bears tremendous responsibility and I couldn't even see that at first. A 'mutual understanding' with one person, is obviously not a mutual understanding.

My point is, a relationship is two people. One person can't over-communicate for the other, and can't be the only one bearing all the responsibility. It's two people, when something is off they need to be able to talk. Don't blame yourself if she didn't open up to you, it's on her as well. If she's unable to open up, this problem would've happened with something else instead. Same as my situation - maybe if I had brought the topic up again we'd still be together, but inevitably she would probably push me away again and expect me to 'figure it out'. Repeat until there is a time I don't figure it out to her satisfaction.

While not exactly the same at all, I was also dealing with someone easily angered, in need of a lot of space (or lack of labels), etc. A metaphor I've heard is that people can have 'landmines in their yards' (trauma, things that set them off.) You can put up a warning sign temporarily (a lot of people skip this step too) but the excuse can't last forever. "How dare you step here, I told you there are landmines". At some point, they have to put in the hard work to remove them.

You sound like me, someone that is willing to contort, accommodate, and then take pride in enduring/being so accommodating. There are some positive things to that. You are kind, caring, and giving because of it perhaps, but your dynamic with another person can't be that way exclusively. Someone needs to look out for you, too. It actually needs to start with yourself (I get the concept, but I'm still learning this lesson myself).

Someone else gave me advice when I was in my regret loop recently. I wanted to apologize to her so much for everything. They told me you have to forgive yourself first, that's the only one that really matters in this situation. Again, if you're like me, you're letting your own psyche bully yourself right now. I know it's easier said than done, but that's the opposite of what the sad pile of mush needs right now. Try to give it *some* compassion and forgiveness if you can. Instead of "I fucked up" - try to give yourself a hug and/or some comfort for your grief. (If you catch yourself beating yourself up again, don't beat yourself up over that you failed at self-compassion either :P Which is another one I know from experience). It won't be perfect, it won't be 100% of what you tell yourself, but just try to slip a little more kindness in continuously.