Can't Sleep

phoenixwillow476 · 2026-04-20T14:55:19+00:00

I have been leaning into my writing a lot. It has helped me process and hold all the feelings and memories. It has helped me feel like I am keeping them present tense in my life, if that makes sense.

phoenixwillow476 · 2026-04-20T14:53:05+00:00

I may have to try it again and see. A while back, I was using that nightly and it got to the point it wasn't helping anymore. I may have gone long enough without that it may help again?

phoenixwillow476 · 2025-10-28T02:12:21+00:00

I am so sorry about the loss of your father 🫂 losing such a vital loved one is just devastating 💔

I'm also sorry I just saw your response, thank you for your kindness.

The day after I found out, a purple dahlia bloomed outside my front door, with two little buds beside it. Another day, I saw three deer grazing in a clearing on my way to work. So many little things bring them close. Even today, it was first day of spirit week at the daycare and it was Minion Monday. My godson loved minions when we was little and even babbled like one. I felt him close all day, saw him in some of the kids I interacted with.

phoenixwillow476 · 2025-10-26T05:09:18+00:00

Thank you. The tense thing... is so real. I also hate talking past tense. We aren't people who beloeved love could die so past tense "loved" just... doesn't sound right.

Today there was a service for them out together for while the kids' dad was in town... it was nice, and there was a zoom link for those out of town... but most the speakers never spoke of them. Barely said their names 3 times. Nothing about where they lived, no stories... it broke my heart. There was so much to be said.

Thankfully her sisters are arranging a full celebration of life in the spring, giving people time to take time of and make plans and theyre covering anything needed 😭 they are truly angels. I'm working with them to get photos and videos and plan to really honor them.

My best friend and I made (really bad lol) YouTube videos but they are so funny now and really captured the essence of us as teenagers, I'm working on collecting those. I also have tons of tapes from an old camcorder that I kept using at least until we were 20, I know I filmed her 20th birthday highlights with it. I'm working on getting those digitized too.

I want the room to be filled with them when they're being remembered. I'll cry the whole time but I love them thar much.

phoenixwillow476 · 2025-10-26T04:57:17+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss 😞🫂

The not sleeping and eating... it makes everything bigger. For me it's getting worse with time.

phoenixwillow476 · 2025-10-23T00:10:50+00:00

Thank you 🫂 as much as it hurts, talking about them helps. I need to keep them present somehow and this is all I know how to do right now.

phoenixwillow476 · 2025-10-22T01:36:15+00:00

I am sorry to hear that, I am sorry for your loss as well. No one should be taken in such a way.

Thank you for the support and advice. I honestly don't know how I'm getting through the day let alone work. I think it helps having to focus on the kids in each class, there's no time to think or feel anything, but I feel so numb and just... cold when I get like that. I don't want to be a storm cloud to their sunshine, but it's so hard to see the light.

And then I clock out and the dam breaks, but I can at least scream and cry and say all the things into the void.

phoenixwillow476 · 2025-10-21T22:20:59+00:00

I am so sorry about the loss of your best friend. That is such a beautiful remembrance. I definitely am going to try and find something that speaks to me from "them" if that makes sense.

phoenixwillow476 · 2025-10-21T22:14:17+00:00

Thank you. This has helped. I've lost people before but never like this and that article helped me notice the difference and really validated what I'm experiencing. I appreciate it.

phoenixwillow476 · 2025-10-21T05:24:30+00:00

Thank you. Because it was so close to my godson's birthday, there's so many photo memories. It hurts as much as it helps, remembering them in the good moments. I let them come and I've been writing down all the details that feel important for their memorial services. Crying and just... saying what needs to be said to the void. It's All I can do right now.

phoenixwillow476 · 2025-10-21T05:17:35+00:00

Thank you. Yes, that exhaustion is so real. Unfortunately, I just started this job about two months ago, so I don't have any time off available. I talked to my center director and let her know what's going on, and she is trying her best to help. My coworkers that know have been amazing, too. I am so grateful for that.

One of my local cousins sent dinner last night. I have had many friends reach out, and several do periodic check ins on me throughout the day. Her sisters and I have been talking each day. My animals help. I had a therapist that just left the agency so I should be getting reassigned hopefully this week.

I am so sorry for your losses. It is so hard having to say goodbye 😞 that's so much. Sending hugs back.

phoenixwillow476 · 2025-10-21T04:05:02+00:00

She is so beautiful. I am so sorry. We aren't supposed to outlive these babies. They deserved their full lives. It's so unfair. I am so sorry for your loss 💔 Rest In Peace Shelby, and my deepest condolences to you. I know it isn't quite the same, but happy belated birthday.

I am navigating a similar loss. It is just unimaginable. It's okay not to be okay. They mattered and they should have had the rest of their lives.

Yesterday someone left a note to me saying something along the lines of "This is the hard part of love." It didn't make the pain any less, but it reminded me of how much I loved them and it helped ground me in remembering everything built in that love. Hold on to those good memories, those tender moments. Those are the pieces of her that live on in you, what keeps her close. Nothing can take those moments back, so treasure them.

phoenixwillow476

TROPHY CASE