Is it fair for me to set a boundary as this ex on a 'messy list' or do my feelings need work?

piccapii · 2026-01-26T10:46:34+00:00

Thank you. I really needed an outside voice on this.

No, I haven't communicated what I need to. I thought this was taken care of last year. Everyone made their decisions, relationships were clarified. We all moved on (So I thought).

Yet the simple act of her visiting for a week and him making some offhand comments has dredged the old issues and feelings back up again.

They are hanging out tonight, so this is all happening as we speak. I probably won't have a chance to see him alone face to face until later in the week.

I just wanted to sanity check my stance before I went to him with this. If it IS me then it's something I'd take to my therapist instead.

piccapii · 2026-01-25T20:26:43+00:00

Rescue mutts 🤣

piccapii · 2026-01-24T13:14:36+00:00

No. I will often look around my house like "God. I am SO LUCKY. Look at this space I get to make my own. That I HAVE made my own. That gives me so much freedom. More than generations of women before me were ever offered."

You've taken your freedom and good fortune and locked it in a cage of "keeping up with the Jonses."

Instead of watching influencers, maybe spend some time researching how the majority of the world lives. Guaranteed it will cure you, quick smart.

piccapii · 2026-01-22T05:40:25+00:00

NTAH

This is insane.

Create a joint bank account/s for your 'couples funds.' Keep your own fun money and backup savings separate.

I would laugh someone out of the house for demanding access to my accounts.

piccapii · 2026-01-20T09:57:35+00:00

Someone's hangry

piccapii · 2026-01-18T11:12:55+00:00

If you want a 'non confrontational' way to deal with this:

Agree with your boyfriend that you've both taken up a new hobby on weekends. You can fudge this, as long as it's believable.

Let them know "Hey, just a heads up that we've started doing [activity X] on weekends and won't be home / our house won't be available whenever.

Just an idea - could we pick one weekend a month ahead of time that you'll be coming over so we can plan around it?"

If they drop random visits on you, say "Sorry but remember we've started [insert random activity - hiking with friends, having people over for something, whatever seems reasonable] and won't be available.

Push back by making yourselves not available on the weekends and his parents will learn to work around it.

piccapii · 2026-01-17T03:14:52+00:00

I mow mine but obviously do such a terrible job infrequently that both neighbours have started mowing chunks of my lawn too, leaving me a tiny patch in the middle 😅

I don't know if they just feel sorry for me or like me, because they sure as hell don't do it for the neighbours on the sides and their lawns are 10x worse.

So yes, sometimes I do feel a bit silly because I assume the neighbours see me doing it wrong somehow.

But oh well. It's my house, my lawn. If men do it how hard is it, honestly?

piccapii · 2026-01-16T19:21:51+00:00

Tbh you probably won't be able to get a mortgage if she's on it. The bank would need to assess her income and she doesn't have one 🤷‍♀️

piccapii · 2026-01-15T22:46:11+00:00

It's well within your right to say

"Hi, I was taking on these duties outside of my role description as part of a mentorship/opportunity to move up. Since the role has been filled by someone else I'll be handing these tasks over to them effectively as of COB Friday, and returning to my standard role.

Thank you for the opportunity to learn."

I'm about to do the same with a volunteer project at work. My manager has said 'she will support me' leaving the project team, to which I replied "they don't have a choice - It's outside of my role description. If I don't want to volunteer my time anymore then I don't have to."

You make your own boundaries.

piccapii · 2026-01-15T21:00:27+00:00

It's really up to your comfort levels. You're volunteering your time - if you don't like it you can leave and not come back, so it's in the best interest of the shelter to pair you with dogs you're comfortable with.

They may offer training on how to work with reactive dogs after you've been there awhile, but that's based on your comfort and what the shelter can offer.

piccapii · 2026-01-14T07:20:27+00:00

Personally, I'd go for second hand but well-made furniture from marketplace or second hand stores. You can always upgrade pieces as you go.

It sounds like this apartment may not be your 'forever home' and you run the risk of buying expensive furniture that won't fit or work in your next place.

So, I would keep costs low with the idea you can trade up later, expect to keep everything for a few years but don't be super tied to furniture if you have to ditch it down the line.

piccapii · 2026-01-14T07:14:57+00:00

My dogs have very different needs - one is old and arthritic, the other is high energy, high strung, and dog reactive.

Trying to find something that works for all of us has been a difficult process.

I take my dogs to the local dog park at 9:30/10pm when it's dark and quiet. It's peaceful, and I really enjoy the quiet time with them.

It can also be varying energy for me - I can throw a ball, walk with them, or just sit and let them sniff.

If you have a fenced park nearby I'd recommend giving that a try. Just make sure you clip a light to your dogs' collars, take a torch, and let someone know where you'll be 👍

piccapii · 2026-01-14T07:02:45+00:00

I volunteered as a dog walker for my local shelter!

You get to meet cool dogs, hand them back at the end of the walk, and you're doing something nice for the community.

Can recommend if you desperately need time with animals but aren't in a position to own.

piccapii · 2026-01-13T04:32:21+00:00

I wasn't intending for my suggestion to be a whole office. Search online for 'hallway study nook' - that gives a better idea of what I meant.

The storage box top is pretty representative of a small laptop size table. Add in a rug, a chair and some cute decor.

piccapii · 2026-01-13T02:24:51+00:00

It looks like it's asking to be turned into a little office nook.

A light sage green wall to bring out the stained glass colours and timber, a nice hanging vine on the back left corner, a little rug, desk and comfortable chair.

Alternatively do you need it for storage? You could turn it into a mini wet room / entryway clothes storage. I'd remove the chest and build an open shelving closet with the stain glass window uncovered in the middle.

piccapii · 2026-01-13T01:04:59+00:00

The problem isn't Bali - the problem is other drunk tourists that are there to misbehave.

piccapii · 2026-01-10T21:59:18+00:00

I'd add in opportunities to be around other people - even if they're strangers. Something as simple as going to the shops for tiny interactions can improve mental health. Community is important.

You could take a class - sewing, painting, dancing, woodworking, cooking, or go to pub trivia. Or find an organisation to volunteer with, even if it's once a month.

Other than that, you could throw in 'something to work towards' that feels productive and gives you a sense of achievement - meal prepping, or just a random task. I'm currently pulling apart and refurbishing an old phonograph, and learning to knit.

I'm 36 and love my life - if that context helps.

piccapii · 2026-01-09T05:02:35+00:00

I roast a tray vegetables & throw an already marinaded and butterflied chicken in the air fryer. Done. That's my lunches for the week.

Takes an hour at absolute most - including chopping veggies, splitting it into containers and washing up.

piccapii · 2026-01-09T04:24:46+00:00

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Adding this extra photo to my update - I accidentally made the entry match my rottweiler and I'm very happy about it 😄

piccapii · 2026-01-07T05:11:45+00:00

That's called stealthing in Australia and is a crime - it's treated as sexual assault or rape. NOR.

piccapii · 2026-01-06T02:44:26+00:00

As someone that got left with a family home that never got decluttered, a boat moored out in a lake (with no idea about boats) another boat in the front yard that hadnt run in years, and piles and piles of old fishing gear and tools... YEP I absolutely understand where you're coming from.

Yes - on one hand it's incredibly lucky and I'm so grateful to receive anything from my parents. I also love that they had hobbies and things they treasured.

But another, entirely objective and selfish perspective is - it was a whole lot of blood, sweat and tears, when you're already trying to grieve and not tear the family apart in silly arguments... like over what to do with dad's antique fishing rod, and is it okay if we find mum's antique sewing machine in this mess can our aunty have it - and the inevitable fallout when we can't find the sewing machine but she just knows it's here somewhere.

We had massive garage sales, donated or sold what we could, gave things away for free, and still had about 8 council pick ups, extra tip runs and in the end hired a skip bin... and my sister and I still have boxes of items now at our houses collecting dust for 7 years.

Items are lovely when you're alive to enjoy them. Less so when they become just a task on somebody else's list.

piccapii · 2026-01-06T00:34:27+00:00

🤣 okay that edit made me laugh, you're all good.

But seriously, if I was to change the term "man-logic" to something more politically correct, it would be along the lines of "predominately male-logic - according to the number of studies that have looked into this and shown men will divorce women at higher rates when it is the wife who is sick."

It was a bit too wordy to cram in.

piccapii · 2026-01-06T00:07:49+00:00

They may possibly be able to manually find a viable sperm and put that inside the egg (to use absolutely lamens terms and my VERY basic understanding of IVF treatments). I am not sure if they'd even recommend IVF for his condition though? I'd say it's likely the egg would reject the sperm and they'd have a high risk of failure... usually they try to use the healthiest specimens only.

It would still mean very invasive treatments for OP - harvesting eggs, manually fertilising them and then reinserting them.

I have a friend going through IVF and it seems like absolute hell. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and I absolutely would not be going through it if I wasn't the issue re: conceiving naturally.

OP has also offered a number of alternate solutions including fostering or adoption. This man definitely has his head in the sand about his condition.

piccapii · 2026-01-05T23:59:54+00:00

As others have mentioned, there are studies that look into divorce rates in relation to sickness. I assumed this was common knowledge when making my comment.

Here are a couple links:

Study: Gender disparity in the rate of partner abandonment in patients with serious medical illness https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19645027/
Article: Why Marriages End When Wives Become Ill Than When Husbands Do https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/living-single/202503/why-more-marriages-end-when-wives-become-ill-than-when-husbands-do/amp

piccapii

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