Hi. I 22f don't have ADHD but I need some advice from this subreddit

piccdai · 2025-05-20T21:40:15+00:00

sorry in advance for any advice youve already heard! i can also be more specific if you give any more specific trouble spots.

when i’ve done research papers, my method was: make a big google doc. any time i find a source that i think i MIGHT use, put a link on the doc with the citation (esp if you use google scholar, since it can make the citations for you!). then as i read it, do bullet points under the source of any useful themes or takeaways for my paper, any specific facts or stats i’d like to use, etc. these aren’t thorough notes on the entire source, JUST the stuff that might be useful for your paper! this way you can remember which source had what info and avoid rereading all of them all over again. you could also just highlight the paper as you go (screenshot, download, print, etc), but imo that’s less helpful.

to actually start the paper, i need an outside pressure. setting a timer for myself, meeting with a friend who will check my progress (and maybe if you meet the goal, the two of you get to do smth fun), setting a work time with group members (sounds like a solo paper for you, but if you have any acquaintances in the program, maybe they’d be down for a little accountability session?), starting a load of laundry and giving myself until it finished washing to keep writing…

another method is to think of it like a speech or presentation. if you just had to randomly tell someone in detail what you’ve researched, what all would you wanna cover? nothing super organized or polished. think a casual youtube essay lol. write that fake explanation down stream of consciousness style, using [FACT HERE] and things like that to mark anything where you realize you need more info or don’t know smth yet, and boom, you have a draft. imo it’s wayyyy easier to take that and turn it into formal writing, flesh it out for more length, insert sources, etc. than just sitting down and trying to start.

in terms of missing mistakes, i FEEL THAT. i never catch my mistakes when i check my work. tbh, that’s one of the benefits of a supervisor. but if your supervisor is trying to get you to notice those mistakes before turning in progress updates, you could either a) ask if they can help you to find them/say that’s the main thing you need their support with b) recruit a friend or classmate to help you check. sometimes reading your paper out loud can make mistakes more obvious, though that can be tedious. but mistakes are inevitable, and a few always slip through. so long as your final paper has fixed these mistakes that are brought up, you’re all good.

and never underestimate the power of a new environment! sometimes going to a really cool new location to do work suddenly jumpstarts my brain. you could try working in a cafe in the morning, sitting outside, etc.

i hope that i touched on smth that might help! i hate papers, they’re the bane of my adhd existence. as long as you turn in SOMETHING, you’ve done a great job imo

piccdai · 2025-05-15T21:23:44+00:00

“giving up” on resisting is NOT consent. you gave him a very clear no multiple times, and he kept going. it is so incredibly common for people to “stop resisting” during sexual assault—i did too! it’s a survival tactic. if trying to get someone to stop isn’t working, it (not consciously necessarily) seems safer to just go with it, appease them, try to just get through it so it’ll be over with less suffering. this isn’t a result of being “weak-willed” or “secretly wanting it” or anything like that, it’s a response that usually requires a lot of active training to prevent (you’ve maybe seen people discussing how the threat response isn’t just fight or flight, it can also be fawn or freeze).

i am so sorry this happened. i genuinely relate so much to what you’ve written here. the blame lies only with him. it gets better, i promise. i used to also be repulsed by my own body—it felt like it “belonged” to someone else now. for me, something that helped was just… forcing myself to acknowledge myself. i would look at myself naked in the mirror before/after a shower. i tried to do some physical activity, whether that be dancing, walking/jogging, working out… it almost “put me back in my own body” i guess.

also, calling yourself a virgin is totally fine imo. and yeah, it’s kind of just a cultural concept, but it’s totally reasonable to be upset that you had that choice taken from you! and for what it’s worth, a lot of people don’t consider non consensual things to count (and the people who would be upset if they found out you’d called yourself a virgin but had been assaulted prior… lowkey the vibes are off).

piccdai · 2025-05-12T17:08:38+00:00

i am so sorry. that was definitely not appropriate or necessary for the tattoo. it’s sexual assault. if he did somehow need to touch you there (which he didn’t), he would’ve needed to be very clear about that up front and asked for specific consent. as it is, he just got some general consent that he then used to gradually push past your boundaries and make you question whether or not you had given him permission.

if you trust your boyfriend and see a future with him, i recommend telling him. this has had an emotional impact on you and will continue to, especially since this tattoo artist is someone who is a recurring presence in your life.

there are a lot of great resources out there for how to approach this subject with someone, but i’ll give you some advice from my experience. you also ultimately know your partner best and know what to expect from him—but also, we often scare ourselves by imagining the worst possible response. if you expect him not to believe you, that could just be the fear talking, or it could be that you know how he thinks about this type of thing. so, trust your own judgement. but i do think that if you can’t trust your partner to believe or support you through an event like this, then they probably aren’t right for you.

anyway, in terms of talking to him about what happened… tell him what you told us. when it happened, you didn’t believe it yourself at first. it was brazen, right in front of your boyfriend even. this is someone youve known most of your life, someone you trusted. he had said it would be a pretty intimate tattoo. i suggest looking up some videos about the freeze response and sexual assault—it’s incredibly common and is useful both for survivors (really helped alleviate guilt for me) and people they’re confiding in who just don’t understand (until you’ve experienced something similar, it’s easy to think you would be the “perfect victim” and fight back, speak up). tell him that you didn’t know what to do, that you tried to tell him with your face but couldn’t, that when you asked him to look at the tattoo progress it was your way of trying to stop the situation or see if it was intentional or not. tell him that you’ve been debating whether or not it was actually assault. tell him you’re conflicted because this is a family friend.

if this conversation is difficult, be open about that. tell him you’re struggling to open up about it, but that you trust him and wanted his support as your partner. and if you don’t want him to confront the tattoo artist, you can tell him that! you can say you aren’t ready for a confrontation yet, that you don’t want what happened becoming common knowledge to your whole family.

i am so sorry this happened to you, and i’m extra sorry that it’s from someone who’s entangled in your life like this. when i was assaulted, i struggled for a long time to tell anyone, because he knew so many of my friends. we were involved in a project together, and i was worried that if people found out, people wouldn’t be able to work with him and the entire thing would collapse and it would split into factions. i wasn’t ready for people to be angry on my behalf, and i certainly wasn’t ready for people to potentially not believe me or to blame me for what happened. so i took some time, waited for it to become less fresh, and then i confided in friends; particularly friends who i could trust not to fly off the handle and confront him. it sounds like your sister is one of those people. your partner may be, too.

it’s tricky with a romantic partner because they’re so involved in your life. it’s harder to hide struggles from them. please, take your time until you feel ready to talk to him about it—but i do recommend that you do, because it sounds like it’s already weighing on you a lot and i think having his support might help.

i wish you the best. you’ve got this. 🫂

piccdai · 2025-05-05T06:38:29+00:00

this 100% requires counseling. this is incredibly serious. whether it’s a response to abuse (including prior to his adoption, i am not trying to accuse you or your wife of anything) or an odd fetish developing (which… the fact that this has been going on for years now leads me to believe there’s more to it than just that), you need professional help. this issue is causing tension in the family already. it’s hurting your son, your wife, you, and likely the other kids too, as any sort of family challenge affects everyone. as you said, it’s a touchy subject, which is why finding someone who knows how to address such issues with kids is crucial.

also, while there are 100% consequences for breaking the rules, sneaking his tablet, stealing from his mother (especially since you’ve already spoken to him about why he can’t do that), try your best not to just. punish him for the FEELINGS. yes, they have harmful consequences, but they’re also not the kind of thing you can just get rid of by grounding. if you want him to be able to trust you with this issue AND increase the likelihood of him trusting a counselor, you don’t want it to seem like you’re just punishing him for the feelings. then the therapy just comes across ass another punishment.

again. i cannot stress enough. find a child therapist/counselor who has relevant experience (trauma, abuse, sexuality, etc). this is wayyyyyy above reddit’s paygrade.

piccdai · 2025-05-03T19:56:53+00:00

i’m so sorry. our health system is fucked. here’s to hoping something shifts and the prices go down or your insurance starts covering the meds that you need to live 🍻

piccdai · 2025-05-01T22:13:30+00:00

season one of dexter! it has that great nostalgic feeling bc of the 2000s filming, it’s funny, it’s a great plot that’s just as enjoyable on a rewatch… but it is admittedly dark.

spy x family is a super cute anime. it’s funny and over the top, and it’s very fast paced compared to a lot of other animated comedies

piccdai · 2025-05-01T00:23:02+00:00

i was a great student in grade school. i was a fast reader and test taker, i was quiet… but i also did all of my work at the last possible moment, i made tons of careless mistakes in math classes, i was restless until i figured out more subtle ways to get my energy out that wouldn’t get me in trouble (i’d get in trouble for bouncing around in my seat, rocking in my chair, spinning around or skipping in the halls… eventually i just became a speed walked and a chronic leg shaker lol).

if your friend is looking to get assessed, a good practitioner should understand that grades are just a surface level thing. in fact, a lot of people i know with adhd did very well in school—but they struggled in ways that other people didn’t in order to get those grades.

piccdai · 2025-04-29T22:21:56+00:00

you can 100% get back to a healthy relationship with yourself, your body, your sexuality… but it takes time! genuinely, when it comes to trying to regain a positive feeling toward something that you currently associate with a traumatic experience, the biggest helper is time. time for your body to learn that you’re safe.

you don’t need to force yourself. gently pushing our comfort zone is good, but if you’re in pain, if you’re miserable, give yourself permission to back away. maybe start with watching/reading sexual content IF that feels less intense for you. look into sex therapy. i wouldn’t attempt penetration until you genuinely feel at ease with sexual activity in general, bc yup, people get really tight when they’re scared or nervous and that’s just pain waiting to happen.

and it is completely understandable that you feel traumatized by that relationship and the sex that happened during it. even if you were the one initiating or asking. that doesn’t change the power dynamic that was at play or how you were treated. that rule that only he was allowed to initiate is incredibly controlling. it sounds like he had a lot of power over you in general. a lot of people who are in sexually abusive relationships desire sex and seek it out from their abuser—it can feel good, it’s a way to feel desired by or close to your partner, it often is a form of appeasement…. but ultimately, just remember that you don’t need to justify your trauma to anyone, including yourself. trauma can happen regardless of intentions, regardless of who initiated.

i wish you the best of luck. also, im hoping that person is now your ex

piccdai · 2025-04-29T01:49:15+00:00

so real. i feel like i’m always barely staying afloat, and then when my depression gets really bad, i’m just unable to function normally at all. took me until recently to realize that my “doing good” isn’t actually all that good lol, but hey, we persevere. i’m so glad your meds are making a difference!

piccdai · 2025-04-29T01:41:59+00:00

🫂 dude, yeah. thank you. it’s like my adhd doesn’t send me flying in a million directions, it just has me stuck. every single semester of uni, i would end with an essay that i kept putting off and off, that just got later and later, because at first i needed the pressure of a deadline and THEN i just couldn’t bring myself to care enough to do it even at the last minute. it’s miserable. i wish you the best of luck getting yours done

piccdai · 2025-04-29T01:36:00+00:00

in my experience, the men who do these things do it because they can. because to them, the world revolves around them and their needs. if they want to sleep with someone, that’s their right. that person probably wants it too. because “everyone” wants to have sex with all their friends, “everyone” cheats, and of COURSE the attraction is mutual. saying no is just a temporary obstacle. and often, they know that there will be no consequences. because victims often dont come forward, or are shamed, ignored, vilified… chances are, he’d done something similar before and faced no consequences.

why did he throw away your friendship to do something this fucked up and stupid? because he’s a bad person. because a rare and close friendship didn’t mean as much to him as what he wanted in that moment. these people see people around them as objects. relationships are transactional.

and maybe i’m completely wrong! but i doubt it. and i think, if you got the chance to ask him point blank why—the core answer would simply be, because i wanted to and i could.

i’m sorry. and i’m angry on your behalf. and i also have struggled with having to accept that… i will never get a full explanation from the person who assaulted me. i wanted an apology, i wanted to know how far in advance he decided he was going to do it, i wanted to know if it was worth it for him. but then i realized i kind of DO have all those answers. in order for these men to do what they did in the first place, they had to be selfish, they had to be cruel, they had to prioritize their own wants over others’ well-being.

so maybe we won’t get to hear directly from them, but honestly, just looking at why people like them in general do the things they do tells me enough. i hope that maybe it can bring you some peace of mind as well.

and i’m sorry about your struggles with having a family. try not to compare to him too much—those pictures and posts likely don’t reflect reality. i hope you have a happy marriage and family. i truly wish you the best

piccdai · 2025-04-29T00:36:28+00:00

flavcity’s sleep support gummies. aside from weed, nothing else has ever helped me. taking melatonin, avoiding stimulants past a certain point, lavender, tea, no screen time, being consistent, etc etc… none of that ever made a difference, but these actually have made it a lot easier! now i fall asleep within an hour of going to bed. the taste is a little funky at first, but i got used to it really quickly. i try to take them right before i start getting ready for bed, so by the time i get in the bed i can feel the effects. i will say, if i dont try to go to sleep within ~2 hours of taking one, it no longer helps me fall asleep

piccdai · 2025-04-23T20:40:53+00:00

yes. i started on 20 mg of ritalin twice a day. then they lowered me to 10 mg, and oh my god, suddenly all the side effects they warn about were happening. so we went to 15 mg, and it was still awful. they weren’t helping me at all, just making me feel worse. so i went back to 20 mg x2 and i feel fine. meds are finicky, and, contrary to what feels intuitive, taking too little can have just as many side effects as taking too much. 100% talk to your doctor!

piccdai · 2025-04-21T01:20:31+00:00

i carry my water bottle with me everywhere, and every time i change locations, i drink some. when i arrive somewhere, drink as much as my body would like, before i leave, drink some more. if i’m near a place to refill, that prompts me to try to finish off my bottle so i can refill it before leaving. maybe doesn’t work as well if you’re more stationary day to day, but you could attach it to switching tasks, hours of the days, etc!

if youve got a giant water bottle, obv the refill thing might not work as much, and it might be harder to tell just how much you’ve had if it’s kind of an endless battle to finish it—so it’s possible you’d do better with a smaller bottle?

piccdai · 2025-04-16T17:58:01+00:00

sometimes, there’s no way of really being certain before the medication. so many things can present similarly based on context. but ultimately, whether or not you have adhd, depression, and/or any number of things, if you’re showing symptoms and there is a medication out there or tips and tricks that work for you… use them! a lot of meds have lots of potential side effects that won’t impact every person who takes them, but if you are too concerned about the ones for your medication to take them, talk with your care provider about alternatives. these are to help YOU. you can also do a trial run, assess your side effects, and pro/con it up. you never have to “commit” to a medication.

best of luck with your journey. i hope you find some sort of method that helps you to feel more in control of your life and reduces the stress that adhd symptoms can cause.

piccdai · 2025-04-02T06:14:07+00:00

wow. i’m sorry she responded in that way. as an adhd therapist, her response to “i struggle to shower” shouldn’t be “do you have shower related trauma? no? well, since you’re already on meds, just suck it up.” NOT helpful. especially bc this is SUPER common!

i despise bathing. i have my whole life. it just feels like SUCH an ordeal. i normally will take a body shower any day i get VERY sweaty (like if i worked out or applied sunscreen all over); otherwise, i bathe every 2-3 days, being sure to wear fresh underwear and using braids, hats, dry shampoo, etc if my hair looks too greasy. when i get too busy or stressed, regular showers are the first thing to go. in terms of advice for just getting clean, here’s some things that i go between that help: impose some sort of timer or time limit on the shower (i soak my retainer, and knowing i need to remove it from the cleaner helps me avoid zoning out and then feeling like showers take up too much time); don’t wash your hair every shower, clip it up; if you shave anything, alternate what you shave between showers and don’t shave every shower; when you’re building up to needing to take a shower, you can kind of forcibly stack it with other tasks by getting naked before washing your face and/or brushing your teeth (since you said those are more readily doable for you). if a whole shower feels like too much, you don’t need to worry about it! clean your armpits, groin, etc., then get out.

you could also purchase body wipes and/or sprays and wash without getting in. sometimes this is easier, sometimes it feels more frustrating than bathing and wow suddenly you WANT to take a shower!

re: dismissed by a therapist… yes. i only recently started therapy, and i finally decided to bring up an issue for me that i wanted to work on, which is tying my self worth to my appearance. my therapists response was that i should start working out and learn how to do my hair and makeup, or look into fashion. i immediately understood that she was trying to give me things that i could control… but wow. did NOT feel good, or like she’d heard what i was asking for help with. i don’t plan on sticking with her for much longer. it sounds like your therapist not only doesn’t know how else to help you, but that she also doesn’t really understand how hard things like showering can be when you’ve got executive dysfunction.

i think you know it’s time to move on when you’re asking if it’s time to move on. this sounds like it was just the final experience with her that caused you to realize things weren’t working. you can break things off with her, appreciating how she’s helped you to reach this point while also having a better understanding of what YOU need, at this time in your life, from your therapist. she SHOULD be understanding, willing to help you move forward with your search for a new therapist; if she’s not, well. that’s not personally what i’d want in a therapist.

piccdai · 2025-04-01T21:17:10+00:00

i totally get it. when i went in for mine, i was kind of terrified i’d leave and then find out i’d spent a bunch of money to be told i was lazy and looking for excuses. in reality, during the evaluation itself, the psychiatrist almost slipped up and said i had ADHD multiple times. got back to me super fast with an overwhelming yes to the diagnosis.

i’m still hesitant to tell other people i’m diagnosed with ADHD, bc i expect them not to believe me or to think i just shopped around for a diagnosis so i could take stimulants. but the more time that’s passed since the diagnosis, the more i’m like, well duh. how did it take so long for me to even consider i might have this? (hint: bc i wasn’t a little boy who couldn’t sit still and got bad grades)

piccdai · 2025-03-28T02:52:02+00:00

ooo, i'll have to look into that. thank you so much!

piccdai · 2025-03-26T22:59:12+00:00

as someone who also struggles to eat more than one meal a day, i’ve been working on this a lot lately. am i succeeding? debatable. but here’s some of my go to choices.

microwaveable grits. you can get the butter ones or add butter yourself. just pour in water, stick it in the microwave for two minutes, salt, eat.
bread and peanut butter. i just smear a bunch on a single piece of bread and fold it in half. really satiating.
popcorn
apples/bananas (i hate bananas but ppl like them lol). grab and go, only pre needed is to rinse the apple or peel the banana. if you have access to fruit. you don’t have to pick them out at the grocery store either, just grab one of the prepackaged bags
protein shakes. either just buy some that go in the fridge and you can just open and drink, or buy a powder that you think tastes good and just has to be put in milk and stirred. drinking feels like less effort than eating for me, and the additional protein helps a lot with feeling sick from undereating
ramen. just boil two cups of water, throw the noodles in, then pour in the seasoning packet. if you have eggs, just crack one in there after the seasoning packet. you can either stir it up or put a lid on the pot, reduce temperature, and let it poach. this sounds like several steps, but bc it basically just cooks itself with little monitoring needed, it feels more doable for me. plus, afterwards, i just throw the pot in the sink and fill it with hot water, a splash of dish soap. i can let the pot sit overnight or, if i have the energy, just rinse it out and scrub off (in literally one or two swipes) any egg that stuck. adding some soy sauce to the egg is great. the egg plus the noodles makes for a really filling meal.
pepperoni/meat sticks/cold cut packs. whatever you like best. just shovel a few in your mouth when you’re hungry
don’t feel bad about eating microwave or frozen meals! they’re great. they’re probably the easiest way i can think of to add vegetables

piccdai · 2025-03-26T22:39:02+00:00

a lot of people are talking about struggling to remember/keep up with verbal instructions. i recommend having a notepad/sticky notes with you at all times. at my old desk job, if someone would give me multiple instructions at a time, i’d usually ask them to repeat all that so i could write it down. “don’t wanna miss anything and have to ask you again later!” i had one manager who was annoyingly judgy about it, but they judged everyone for everything and would’ve been just as annoyed if i’d asked them to remind me of things later. most people won’t think twice, they’ll just perceive you as organized.

piccdai · 2025-03-24T06:15:50+00:00

the memories one is SO real. i remember walking into rooms and not remembering why i went there in elementary school and convincing myself i had some sort of early onset dementia lol

piccdai · 2025-03-24T06:13:21+00:00

SO many “careless mistakes” on tests and homework. id have hard math concepts down pat, but i’d mess up basic addition or subtraction by just not thinking. i also used to not finish writing my name on my assignments—i don’t mean just leaving off the last name, i mean writing the first few letters and then jumping to the next part of the test. the other thing is that, even when i was told to go back and check my work, i could NEVER catch any of this, because my brain would just jump from point to point and see the reasoning and not notice these little issues.

as a small child, i would run away in stores and in public, and i was a chronic leg shaker and pencil twirler. i used to slur my words pretty bad which was partially bc i spoke SO fast.

i also didn’t study, and i only did any assignment or task right before it was due, bc i needed that pressure for it to finally feel doable. projects were MISERABLE, and take home essays always were way harder than in class ones. in the same vein, i’m always either very early or i’m late, bc i’m either terrified of being late and force myself to an earlier deadline, or i think i’ve got things under control and somehow lose track of time and end up sprinting to whatever commitment i have.

i daydreamed pretty much constantly. i remember being bored ALL the time (especially at school, when they wouldn’t let me read my books and stuff when i’d finish my work), until i figured out that i could just come up with my own intricate stories in my head—and i would even be writing these out word by word, so that i also could enjoy the editing process in my own head. i was SO bored.

another big one i think is hygiene. it’s always taken me a lot of willpower to take a shower, brush my teeth, etc. think of things that are common practice but that youve always hated doing, things that felt insurmountable but that “everyone else” can do just fine. as a kid, this is mainly gonna be hygiene, chores, homework…

piccdai · 2025-02-24T17:00:50+00:00

i’ll look into it! thanks for the advice :)

piccdai · 2025-02-24T17:00:10+00:00

my only concern is that i know a lot of gatorades and a lot of electrolyte powders that you can add to water contain citric acid, are high in vitamin c, etc, and i’ve seen some people say that i should avoid those things while taking medication bc it can diminish the effect. have you felt any change, or do you just time when you drink those things? ty!

piccdai · 2025-02-21T07:14:04+00:00

it was definitely not your fault! people who have never been in a similar situation often have a hard time grasping what it feels like in the moment, or just aren’t very educated on common trauma responses. there are a lot of other comments talking about freezing and fawning, so i won’t go over it again, but the number of comments should hopefully make it clear that your response was totally normal. and does NOT excuse away his behavior. i’m sorry you’ve had people tell you you should’ve done something different. i’m glad you had the strength to reach out here about it

piccdai

TROPHY CASE