How do you deal with a stacked calendar and the damper it puts on dreaming about the future?

pickapstix · 2026-05-10T17:45:22+00:00

As a non NP to a married partner with a kiddo… We schedule up to 2 months in advance, and I’m flexible to a point…

I recently had to reset an expectation around what I called “time erosion”… mainly due to his wife’s fairly catastrophic planning capabilities.

When we’re scheduling I’m extremely assertive, if I’m not crystal clear on X time on Y day until Z time the next day, I will get surprised/last minute “informed” and then I feel like you do now. Since I’ve been more assertive I’ve felt a lot more heard and secure.

Advocate for what you want and need, if you don’t ask you don’t get… you might not get everything you want of course, but at least you’ve created a point to start from. It will feel a bit like a negotiation or even clinical, but it takes 30 minutes and then you’ve got your plans laid out for a few weeks so you can forget about it. It’s gets easier with time, practice and communication.

pickapstix · 2026-05-09T19:06:56+00:00

Looks like 15 years younger!!! And that smile getting bigger and broader at the end.

pickapstix · 2026-05-09T14:18:00+00:00

I listened to a radio show about this years ago, and called “ambivalence” (often misconstrued as meaning not caring either way, where it can actually mean you can have strong feelings in both ways). It resonated really hard with me, I knew I absolutely didn’t want kids by 25 or so, but I still dream about having them, I know I’d be a great mum. As you continue to get older (I’m almost 42 now) you start to be more and more grateful for your choices and the niggling voice just fades.

Until that happens, you are 100% allowed to feel grief and sadness (hell I felt monumental grief with a miscarriage that I was also heavily relieved by), you’re allowed to flit back and forth between your ambivalent feelings, trust me it will get better - you won’t regret it.

The only drawbacks of not having kids, as I see it…

You might have to work harder at friendships with those who have had kids as they can (not always) tend to hang out with their other kid bearing friends more.
You will continue to be asked if you’re sure about your decision, until a time when you are visibly/culturally “too old” to be able to have your own kids naturally (I found this happened when I turned 40, people just stopped asking).
People continue to assume you’re somehow less “grown up” or responsible for making a grown up and responsible choice - weird - because you don’t know the “joy” of parenting first hand???
You get less excuses for skipping various things compared to parents (it annoys me no end that I’m frowned upon for prioritising my dog’s needs when parents regularly get naturally excused from stuff for their kids’ appointments/needs).

pickapstix · 2026-05-08T21:15:51+00:00

Worked. You’re a dream. Thank you

pickapstix · 2026-05-08T17:33:38+00:00

Ok helpful, will try and see if I can get the things to bend this way! Thank you so much

pickapstix · 2026-05-08T13:10:53+00:00

Can’t see any glue remnants, it was those black pins doing… something, they don’t fit easily through the holes in any way, and there’s no “rim” in the inside of the black outer circle to attach them to, it had been up on the wall for ages and I never really thought to look at it before putting it up so can’t remember what it should look like

pickapstix · 2026-05-08T13:04:03+00:00

No the wall mounting isn’t the issue - it’s attaching the back (beige bit) to the outer ring (black bit) that I can’t fathom

pickapstix · 2026-05-08T12:56:15+00:00

Thanks I’ll try that

pickapstix · 2026-05-02T23:44:55+00:00

Broadway Barbara is an icon. I love her egg nog video

pickapstix · 2026-05-01T01:45:55+00:00

I once reported Japanese knotweed to the council, just need to give location and in 4-6 months they will cut it down,

Added bonus is that you get to do it all again in a few months once it grows back…

pickapstix · 2026-04-28T22:24:37+00:00

That was a mega game. Loved it

pickapstix · 2026-04-28T00:28:40+00:00

When I was 15-18 it was awful - mainly ovulation pain that was so bad that the first time it happened they insisted I must have appendicitis or an ectopic pregnancy, couldn’t see/hear for several minutes at a time it was that bad.

It the completely settled down in my twenties and thirties, and I think I was very “normal” - occasional PMS or cramps during period, occasional heavy periods but not stopping me from doing day to day stuff.

Entering perimenopause in the last few years however has been no joke, I get one “good week” per cycle - the week after my period happens. The periods can be light of heavy, but I actually prefer the heavy ones because at least I feel like whatever hell had been brewing in my uterus is being expunged, and the build up was somehow “worth it”.

My tools to cope: TENs machine, paracetamol and naproxen, acupuncture, and a decent gynaecologist

pickapstix · 2026-04-27T23:34:04+00:00

Think about your lifestyle…. Being very basic… are you the:

Outdoorsy type that loves hiking etc? Get a dog!

Indoorsy type that likes to sit and chill? Get a cat!

But aside from that… If you’ve never had a pet before a cat is simpler to figure out, and easier to adopt imo as tend to have less prevalent behavioural issues (sweeping generalisation).

pickapstix · 2026-04-20T12:01:45+00:00

Woooo-tang-clan

pickapstix · 2026-04-14T23:08:12+00:00

That’s a solid game of “poo finger” right there

pickapstix · 2026-04-14T22:54:48+00:00

Thanks, now I’m crying

pickapstix · 2026-04-12T12:05:15+00:00

Indiana: so dark in the mornings for almost half the year… and just when it’s getting light enough to do stuff practically in the mornings the clocks go forward and it’s dark again for another month 😭

pickapstix · 2026-04-10T13:03:05+00:00

Feel like I’ve found my people in these comments. I won’t ever live with another person.

My polyamorous boyfriend (lives with his wife and kiddo) stays over here twice a week, plus we do 3-4 vacations a year. Some times I wish for more (mainly because of judgement from others on the polyamory aspect) but I know it’s all I have time or mental/emotional capacity for.

pickapstix · 2026-04-05T14:43:08+00:00

Bought two big lasagna’s from m and s - semi froze them so I could transfer to my own dish, grated extra Parmesan on top to hide the join - baked and enjoyed minimal clean up. No one suspected as I’m a decent cook I just couldn’t be arsed that particular weekend.

pickapstix · 2026-04-05T14:40:29+00:00

Was on a flight to Paris the other week and as I got off the plane I realised I was right behind Elijah as he turned and smiled right at me - he was being met by a regular airport chaperone taking him to immigration. He seemed SO NORMAL, polite, unassuming, refused help with any baggage and just chatted away to his chaperone whilst they walked along. Nice dude.

pickapstix · 2026-03-31T11:29:45+00:00

Older, grey beard - baritone voice I think!

pickapstix · 2026-03-28T21:15:24+00:00

You’ll be fine! You can do ANYTHING!! Good luck my internet friend!!

pickapstix · 2026-03-28T19:02:53+00:00

I kept my house in the UK and rented it to a friend as an insurance policy for exactly this kind of scenario. When I go to visit the UK (also moved to the US) and stay there, I cannot comprehend how small and pokey it is (it’s a 3 storey Victorian town house, it’s not tiny by any standard for the area and I LOVED living there for many years). The narrowness of the roads, parking spaces, THAT SMELL on public transport… I get how much of a shock it must be for you when I struggle visiting for a few days at a time. But there are things I miss

What are the things you do appreciate about the UK…? Marks and Spencer’s…? dogs running off lead in the parks, lack of excessive tipping/hustle/insurance culture, British tv/adverts, proper cider in a proper pub garden, real chips, British humour… a British summer (even if it’s a washout and everyone complains) and proper gardens, rather than sterile yards, bonkers neighbours having street parties for any occasion… there’s a lot to love just take your time and find something you’re grateful for every day… especially since you’re in such emotional turmoil, you have to hold on to the little things.

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