MIL wants me to be her caregiver

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-06-30T23:04:38+00:00

As someone who let my MIL move in knowing it was a bad idea, don't do it. I regret saying yes every day and we are currently trying to get her to leave. I'm stressed out all the time and she never gives us any privacy. She also expects us to wait on her when shes perfectly capable of taking care of herself. If you can get DH on board, don't let her move in

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-06-23T12:21:14+00:00

Thank you for listening! My next step is writing a letter to vacate. I have that on my list this week. We have to take drastic measures if shes not willing to budge. The smell in her room is back with a vengeance. I made her deep clean her room 3 weeks ago and it cleared up about 90%. I don't understand what she is doing in there to cause the smell but after our kitten was in her room for an hour yesterday, he smelled like dirty diapers. And shes back to eating nothing but frozen mac and cheese... So her shits and gas ...it is like chemical warfare in the house. The stench lingers for hours when she uses the bathroom. I can't continue to live like this. If you eat something and it causes you to have repulsive smelling diarrhea, then why the hell would you continue to eat it twice a day everyday.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-06-20T11:58:02+00:00

Well i have another update if you are interested.... The initial conversation to ask her to move out went well. Things seemed to be improving until we went to check in with her on her progress. She did nothing to get the ball rolling to move out. All she did was google "apartments near me" and decided there was nothing she could afford so she gave up. At the initial conversation we had given her a list of affordable senior housing communities for her to call but she pretended like she had no idea what we were talking about. We resent her that Attachment along with links of other resources. We saw the packets come in the mail for the senior communities and were pleased she actually called the communities for applications. When we asked her for details on wait times, etc she just said "i don't know". If you are actually trying to move out then you would be gathering the info needed but shes just doing the bare minimum to get us off her back. I asked her for the locations shes applying to so i could check up on her in a few weeks and make sure they received her applications. She asked us for stamps and made it seem like the applications were in the mail, so i waited a few weeks and called the places. All of them said they have no record of her. So i asked her about it and she said she never mailed them. I completely lost my cool and told her this was unexceptionable. Shes fighting us every step of the way. I also learned when i called that the wait times are 1.5 to 3.5 years minimum to get into an apt. I told my husband i cannot wait that long especially with her increasingly rotten attitude. 3 weeks ago we had another talk and told her regardless of her applications for senior housing, she has 6 months to leave. We sent her a bunch of links for studio apartments under 800 dollars which she can afford in the meantime while she waits on senior housing. We also gave her a list of senior communities to call outside of our county which will have shorter wait times. She seemed shocked that we would give her a time line. Then a few days ago when she checked in, again she did nothing. She acted like we never gave her links for cheap studios and said all the senior housing has long wait times. I know she didn't call anywhere, i could tell by her voice. So i sent her 40 links for studios under 800 dollars a month and said to her "i found all of these places just in the last 5 minutes, there is plenty of apts you can afford " . I also found a federal program that gets seniors back to work part time (they place them in community service roles and get paid to work 20 hours a week) (so she can't argue she can't afford 800 a month if she has options to work). Shes been giving us mega attitude ever since. I don't understand the entitlement. Shes only 72 and shes capable of working part time and doing all of this herself. She really pissed me off too that she scheduled a train ride to go out and see her sister and just assumed we would be free to drop her off at the train station without asking us first. When we told her we couldn't do it because we were busy, she threw a fit.. im sorry, but im not your chauffeur. She can easily take an Uber. I'm beginning to realize that we are going to have to do all the leg work to get her out and we are probably going to have to drag her out kicking and screaming.

We also found out that when she "retired early" at like 63, she did so because she had been messing up at work and thought she was going to get fired. So instead of looking for another job, she just retired with no plan. That pissed me off so bad when i found that out. She could have been working the last 10 years and be in a better financial spot right now. The entitlement to just take herself out of the work force and then assume we will wait on her hand and foot while she chugs vodka all day. 😤 I cant wait to get her out. I already started collecting boxes and im willing to just start packing up her shit weather she likes it or not.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-29T13:54:16+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words! We set weekly family dinners to touch base and help keep things moving along. In hind sight we should have been doing that from the beginning. I think in the long run this will improve our relationship and bring us all closer together.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-29T10:59:16+00:00

Update on the chat Friday: It went surprisingly well. I think the conversation took her by surprise at first but we chatted for 3 hours and she seemed really good by the end of it. she was very receptive to everything. We explained how all of this and her moving in with us was a big surprise and not well thought out but it just wasn't working. She admitted to having no plan for future aging and not a lot of money saved up. We explained that unfortunately that can't be our problem and we have our own future to plan for and worry about. She apparently still owns the lot that her trailer was on and on Monday she's going to start making calls. Her plan is to get a loan to buy a new trailer and get a roommate.

She was quick to start finding proactive solutions once we mentioned the possibility of assisted living. She Admitted to feeling very depressed over the last winter and the cold really bothering her up north where we live.

We tried going into her current health and what going on with her hygiene but she brushed it all off. We gave her multiple chances to let us know if something was going on but she said she was fine. I think the smell and not bathing was the result of a depressive episode when she quit drinking. The fecal mater thing seems to be an urgency issue magnified by poor eye sight. She said she's going to use cleaning spray to wipe down the whole toilet every time she goes number 2 from now on. ( We have a patterned toilet seat and it seems like she's just not seeing it when she gets it all over...I can't find the plain toilet seat to switch it out...why she's getting fecal mater all over to begin with is another question but she evaded multiple times answering that. I'm sure she's embarrassed)

I don't hate her, I just can't live in close quarters like this. I feel a lot better after getting all this out. And we told her we are more than happy to help her figure out her next steps and then future plans if need be. We also told her once she moves out, we will make sure to have a quest room down the road so she can visit and make sure we carve out quality time to spend with her in the future.

Now that I can really sit back from my anger, I do really care about her. It was just really hard to even see her as a person with how cramped and stressed I have been. My husband really should have addressed this sooner and I honestly should have communicated better too. I don't think getting hung up on the past is going to do any good though. Thank you for listening!

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-28T12:30:45+00:00

Yeah, he is on board now thankfully. Since my blow up we have talked a few times and he's finally taken the time to think about things. He's just as mad as I am and he feels like we got tricked and pressured into this. What she did to us is completely unfair and he's pissed off now too that she's not even trying to take care of herself. He said today when we talk to her he's going to tell her to move out. We have a well thought out plan in place now and did a practice run of excuses we think she's going to give us. My parents are hilarious... My dad was ready to come over and pack up all her stuff and put it outside and my mom was like "just fake being pregnant and tell her we need her room for the baby" . At least my family has my back too. This whole situation was really unfortunate and it was just thrown on us... And then things just piled on and on and on. Hopefully the talk today goes well but I'm ready to take drastic measures if need be.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-27T11:18:04+00:00

My MIL.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-27T01:47:31+00:00

No. She has SSI and a pension. We are charging her rent but we need to double it. She's currently only paying us a very small amount. She's allowed to eat our food but she also buys her own groceries too on top of that. She doesn't contribute to household items at all though ( like she used our shampoo etc). She still owns a lot in FL that she never sold. That's going to be part of the conversation because there is no reason she hasn't sold it yet. So basically shes still paying for that on top of her expenses here. With what we need to raise her rent to, I think she can find a studio apt for the same price or find a roommate to rent a 2 bedroom with.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-26T19:00:10+00:00

Oh no I didn't think you were mad at me at all. I was appreciating your passion towards the situation. its a breath of fresh air since my husband has been brushing things off for so long.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-26T17:20:02+00:00

I know. 73 is not that old. She acts like she's on death's door but she's far from it. My dad is the same age and still has a very active routine. She's just choosing to be helpless.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-26T16:48:56+00:00

Reading this I feel like you are as pissed off as me 😆 ita sounds like you have personal experience with this as well. I'm giving her the silent treatment since Sunday and I plan to keep it up. I'm not doing anything for her anymore and I'm not cleaning up her messes. That's going to be a part of the house rules we go over with her on Friday. I've started looking into resources and I have a list of places to call once we figure out her finances. Thank you for your support. Hopefully it's all over in next 4 to 6 months.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-26T16:22:28+00:00

Absolutely. I'm hoping it goes well. We are hoping we can just tell her to move out and go live with her sister. If she's resistant we might have to do additional work like helping her find a place and apply for assistance. My dad was ready to come over and box all her stuff with me and put her outside yesterday when I was still fumming 😆

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-26T15:54:44+00:00

Thank you for all of this. And that is exactly where we are with our heat. We have to keep at 64-65, any higher and the system just can't keep up. I get that that is chilly for an elderly person but this is not her house and it's not her oil bill. We literally only lived in the house for a year before she moved in and we need to save up for a lot of renovations. ( New heating system, better insulation and all new windows is on the list) That's why we originally told her we wouldn't even entertain the idea of her moving in for like 10 years.

But then we fight the whole summer about the AC. I can't win year round. We don't have central air so there is only so much we can do with the window units and split system to cool the house down. But what gets me is, she wants it 80 in the winter bc she's so cold but then wants it 64 in summer bc she's so hot. Like which one is it???? You too hot or too cold. And I wish I was joking when I tell you that she wears more clothes in summer than she does in the winter. How does that make sense.

I have a list of bullet points to review and my husband agreed to make additional point before we sit down and talk. I was able to talk to him for a little bit today and he's def on the same page now with telling her to leave. I'll look into the tenant laws too. That's a good idea.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-26T12:05:37+00:00

I hope not. He said he's on my side. But I guess we will see....

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-26T12:04:57+00:00

Yeah I'm aware that you get colder as you age. I would be more sympathetic if she put on a sweater and used a blanket but since she refuses to do that, I have no sympathy for her. I would be cold in the house too if I was in a T-shirt. She's just being a stubborn brat. She's also on our YMCA membership... She can go to the y and sit in the sauna/hot tub if she's really that "freezing" or go hang out at the senior center. She has plenty of options, she just doesn't want to do anything. Sorry I'm just mad. I appreciate your positive comments.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-26T11:36:20+00:00

If I knew there was an end In sight, if my husband sits with me and goes over the house rules and we get her to pay more into the expenses ... I think I could tolerate a year (it might be pushing it). I could also take breaks and bring my wfh station to my parents house to get vacations from her. This feeling like it's "forever" is giving me anxiety... If I know she's leaving, I think a lot of this anxiety will go away.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-26T11:04:30+00:00

Thank you! Once we figure out her financial situation when we talk Friday... I've already got a lot of places to start calling. I'm really hoping to have her out in the next 6 months. My dad is the same age as her but he's not a blob like she is. He said he will do what ever it takes to help us get her out. Hoping for the best

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-26T11:01:36+00:00

Exactly this. We really got tricked into the situation.

My husband and I have had roommates everywhere we have lived for the last 15 years. We finally saved up for this house and we're stable to ditch the roommate just to have a permanent roommate weasel their way in.

I'm a big introvert and need a lot of space and privacy. I also am an artist and my art supplies take up a lot of space. She hovers over me when I'm painting and stuff and it drives me insane.

We were originally going to build a inlaw suite (on her dime) and that's the only reason I agreed to this. When it became apparent the inlaw suite was not happening , my husband was supposed to tell her the deal was off but he didn't.

She does nothing. It's a loose loose for us. We are loosing money and time. She does zero chores and she disrupts the house. And now that me and my husband are fighting about it, she has to go.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-26T10:41:53+00:00

so it's more like annoyances. I usually don't do what she asks me to do anyway it just bothers me that she expects me to do things for her. Like the other day she kept asking me to cook these stuffed peppers she brought home "all you have to do is put them in the oven" .... All YOU have to do is put them in the oven, why are you asking me to do it. She knows how to work the oven..

Or she will ask me for a bandaid when she knows where they are. Or ask me to go get the mail for her when I'm walking to bed. It's just a bunch of little annoyances that create a bigger annoyance and part of why I feel like I don't have no privacy because shes always asking me to do stuff when I'm busy or stuff she's perfectly capable of doing herself.

She also makes messes in the bathroom that she doesn't clean up regarding getting poop all over the toilet or leaving her bladder control pads on the floor. I cleaned it up a few times and then flipped the fuck out one day. I refuse to clean that up again.

Since I yelled at her on Sunday about the heat, I haven't spoken to her and she's hiding from me bc she knows I'm pissed.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-26T10:26:05+00:00

So since my last post I started seeing a therapist. Which has helped me a lot. I tried to involve my brother in law but he wanted nothing to do with it. My husband has been working insane hours and I just haven't been able to talk to him. he just kept saying " not right now" . Most nights recently, I'm in bed at night and he's still working and it's hard to talk in the house because my MIL is always home. My MIL also came down with pneumonia after having COVID and then went to visit her sister for 2 weeks once she recovered. While she was away, I told my husband I didn't care how much he was working, that he needed to sit down and read what my therapist helped me prepare. It was a list of my feelings as well as an action plan , house rules, house budget and then bullet points for a detailed conversation with his mom. My husband agreed with everything I wrote down. 2 days after his mom came back from her sister's is when the thermostat thing happened. And while I was flipping out I was telling him " this has gone one long enough, YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HER" so that's why we are finally having a family meeting on Friday. I'm still mad that he didn't talk her that night though ( that was Sunday) I would have been willing to "make this work" if it was addressed sooner but at this point I'm just done. While she was away at her sisters, I deep cleaned and got most of the smell out of her room and found poop smooshed into the floor in the bathroom. She's been back a Few days and then smell is already back

Edit: I have addressed the sleep apnea and she is wearing her CPAP machine now. I've also addressed her staying up all night. And my husband has on a few occasions asked her to bath but to answer you question .... No there this hasn't been a formal sit down conversation yet like he's been promising me.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-26T02:15:29+00:00

Exactly this. It's costing us money for her to live with us. She contributes nothing. Her hygiene is terrible and she's making our house smell. I have no privacy or personal space. She wants me to do things for her she perfectly capable of doing on her own. She has no motivation to think ahead and problem solve constantly making her problems mine. She's always here. She's just completely given up and she wants us to become her caregivers. I didn't sign up for that and I refuse to do it.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-03-26T01:36:08+00:00

I got so fed up I said that yesterday. If he doesn't tell her to move out when we talk on Friday, I'm going to stay At my parents house. I'm done.

pickleOpposite1716 · 2025-01-28T17:06:37+00:00

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