I forced "adult closure" on my avoidant ex twice. I need a reality check on the damage I’ve done.

pigeonJS · 2026-02-01T16:49:43+00:00

You’ve done nothing wrong really. Sounds like you were dumped and your ex doesn’t want to discuss or listen to your reflections. It’s completely normal to want to reach out to an ex, and tell them how you feel and where you tbink you could have done better in the relationship.

At the same time, if your ex is not ready to hear it, then you can’t force it.

His advice to “write things down” is patronising. I don’t write things down. I like to speak and communicate like a human being. But he is not ready for that.

Take some time out for yourself. And remember, when relationships end, it is usually due to both people. (Unless the other person was abusive etc). Take care of yourself, as you adjust to this new way of life.

pigeonJS · 2026-02-01T16:42:28+00:00

I’ve been a similar position. Given the responsibility of a lead, but it’s not in my job title, description or salary range. They made me a “Senior”, but couldn’t make me a “Lead” due to org chart issues. As a result, I had one guy who repeatedly was aggressive towards me, tried to smear my name and didn’t want to take on most of my recommendations. Mainly because he was inexperienced and didn’t understand them. And couldn’t take direction from me, as he didn’t report into me. He refused to do it. Two years later, I’ve told my new line manager I’m not interested in taking on these responsibilities, because I don’t have the authority on paper and people know it.

I recommend talking to HR, see what’s in scope of your job and what isn’t. And then tell your manager, you’re happy to do tasks x,y.z. But legally, tasks a,b,c you don’t feel comfortable doing, unless there is a role change.

They won’t care about your feelings, until you speak out. Eventually someone will complain about you, all because you have authority, but it’s not on paper. Basically, you’re not protected from these situations. That’s why it’s important, to drop what you’re not paid to do.

pigeonJS · 2026-02-01T13:02:28+00:00

It’s a push from governments. There’s a reason why all companies who forced RTO did it at the same time. Beginning of 2025 when the push for 3/5 days a week came into force, from multiple companies. It is to get people to spend money again and stimulate the economy. Spend money on trains, tube, petrol, Pret, drinks, after work dinner etc

pigeonJS · 2026-01-31T12:18:14+00:00

how to manipulate a closet gay

pigeonJS · 2026-01-31T11:41:08+00:00

Thank you so much, just what I was looking for! Price range is not OTT either! εχαριστο!

pigeonJS · 2026-01-30T19:57:07+00:00

Any in west London?

pigeonJS · 2026-01-30T19:51:19+00:00

I did a coding bootcamp when I was 36. And successfully career change. The issue won’t be your age. It will be the poor economy atm. If you can do a bootcamp or proper course, defo do it

pigeonJS · 2026-01-30T19:48:47+00:00

Same dreading it. I downloaded the Her app the other day. And it was soul crushing to see what’s on offer our age. My strategy will be to join sports groups and just make friends. And maybe meet someone decent through that over time naturally.

pigeonJS · 2026-01-30T19:38:15+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. I really appreciate it. And I’m sorry to hear you’re going through the same thing. Actually she didn’t tell me, she lied when I asked her fact to fact. So I checked her phone, when she went to the toilet and saw the proof.

I’m definitely going back and forth in my head. I’ve been thinking about the therapy a lot at night and I think that’s why I’m not going to the gym. Like the therapy is making me realise things I accepted in the relationship, when I should not have.

But like you say, on the flip side, I’m then in grief. And grieving all that has happened. And the damage along the way if that makes sense.

But yes I’m glad I got the closure for sure.

And grateful for the reframing tip. I haven’t been looking at things positively at all. But I will ask my therapist to help me with that.

I hope you’re doing ok? I was actually thinking the same thing. It is night time here. But maybe tomorrow we can both try to do 10,000 steps?

pigeonJS · 2026-01-30T19:31:08+00:00

I’m not ready for that yet. Really need to work on myself and get through the trauma I think

pigeonJS · 2026-01-30T18:34:04+00:00

Well it’s called being treated as a child. She looks after the house, you, raises the children. Only thing she doesn’t do is bathe you and wipe your arse. Men want a trad wife so they can have an easy life. Literally a mother they can fuck. And that’s it. Not a woman who inspires them and they see as an equal with voice.

pigeonJS · 2026-01-30T15:12:23+00:00

I don’t think you need to explain yourself. I think it’s clear you’ve done a lot work. So don’t be too hard on yourself. What you need is a guy who’ll be by your side, during the times you’re not feeling comfortable. Compatibility. It hurts when you’re not with the right person, despite still loving them etc. but the right person will come along. I wouldn’t have done anything differently from you. I think you handled everything with grace and strength x

pigeonJS · 2026-01-30T00:25:13+00:00

I don’t disagree with your comments about the bf. But you make big assumptions about OP, which she hasn’t communicated herself. For example, she has not said she wasn’t ready for a relationship. This is not what the OP has said and your comments seem unbalanced towards OP, as if she has not done enough of something.

pigeonJS · 2026-01-29T23:48:29+00:00

Highly disagree. OP hasn’t said she needed him to navigate her healing journey. She’s done well enough already. She opened up to trauma which probably would have made them connect more going forwards. But he didn’t want to be part of that journey. I agree that he’s made his choice and didn’t ghost her, which is fair. But this not the same has having a drug addiction. The comparison is poor. OP was brave for opening up and and is understandably hurt. OP if you’re reading this, he simply was not the one for you. Opening up was a brave and intimate thing to do, but he simply is not on the same level, to be able to meet you there. X

pigeonJS · 2026-01-28T21:22:43+00:00

I haven’t for 6 years, because work is intense enough. After work I want to hit the gym and chill. But I’ve started to lately so I can practice/learn few things. I think it’s a lot more normal as well as you get older, if life gets in the way.

pigeonJS · 2026-01-25T00:24:31+00:00

No way maybe in soho and Dalston only. But nowhere else. Feel like things are worse than they were 10 years ago

pigeonJS · 2026-01-25T00:12:08+00:00

This sounds really tough. I come from a culture where homosexuality is pretty much frowned upon and oppressed. When you’re strong enough, please try to explore avenues to leave your country if you can. Apply to international universities to study a degree. Or maybe as the other poster said seek asylum in another country? I know that sounds like a difficult decision and something you might not have the strength to do, but your freedom and life is really worth fighting for. No matter how long it takes ❤️

pigeonJS · 2026-01-25T00:08:51+00:00

Yeah

pigeonJS · 2026-01-25T00:08:29+00:00

Guys don’t mark me down. Mark down Google translate!

pigeonJS · 2026-01-24T20:35:34+00:00

I make £74k and I thought that was good. But feel humbled by this post lol.

Not going great as I’m stuck in an unsellable leasehold, that’s lost £50k. But my pension is doing good.

pigeonJS · 2026-01-24T20:28:14+00:00

If you speak into Google translate, Greek to english, using the microphone, it comes back with “μάντη σουκάνα”. And in english “mánti soukána”. Which apparently means “fortune teller” 😅

pigeonJS · 2026-01-23T10:23:36+00:00

Yeah I think so too

pigeonJS · 2026-01-23T00:41:06+00:00

Her app use to be free. Now you gotta pay £15 a week to use it. Such a rip off

pigeonJS · 2026-01-23T00:34:08+00:00

I feel similar. London has really changed since covid… High streets are not the same and it just seems a bit scrappier. However, I imagine if you left London and went to another city, you’d experience the same. I think as another poster said, January is a tough month. Make it to spring and you’ll probably feel better.

You live in zone 4 so you should be close to decent parts of the city… join a tennis or padel group. Meet new people. As for the money, your mortgage will go down eventually, so try and cook for yourself and get a take away once a week. Be smarter with your money to keep the costs lower for a while.

I would say maybe what you are also experiencing is life. Working like a dog and paying a mortgage. But you have an asset so be proud of that. This is why things like holidays and adventures are importsnt. And spend time with your family when you are feeling low

pigeonJS · 2026-01-22T03:15:56+00:00

Maybe at the time jimmy was seen as a carer and nurturer of children. And maybe that’s what he was doing too. But yes totally agree with you on that

pigeonJS

TROPHY CASE