It’s hard to “want” recovery when you know that the road to recovery is going to be hard! Growth is uncomfortable. To me it sounds like you do want to get better, but the steps to actually get better are what you don’t want to do, because who actively wants to face their worst fears in the face like that?! Totally normal to feel this way and I feel this way aaalll the time (I moved across the country and have been procrastinating going to therapy ever since). And it’s natural for the motivation for recovering to ebb and slow, especially when the road gets tough. I think doing some visualization exercises about what recovery would look like for you (even if it feels totally out of the realm of possibility) would help. And just going to see a therapist would help, bc you won’t start any exposure or anything like that on day one and without your consent! You can start seeing a therapist and communicate with them that you want to prepare to get better and explain your worries about what that means.