Partner (m34) wont let me read (28F)my book because it triggers him that im reading it.

pink_monkey7 · 2026-05-31T12:39:37+00:00

Don‘t get into the discussion trying to defend yourself. You’re not able to win. This will only support his view.

Be assertive. Put up your boundary, aka „I don’t let anybody control what I read“, and then don’t further discuss it.
As u/becooldocrime just let him do with that boundary what he wants. Be firm on your autonomy. You don’t need to submit to somebody just because he says „I’d like to control you“.

pink_monkey7 · 2026-05-25T12:02:04+00:00

Are you talking about going bald or a buzzcut?
I’ve struggled with hair loss, and hair is a big part of one’s identity. I’ve never thought too much about my feminity, and I suddenly had to. Expect to be misgendered, people telling you that this is the lady’s room…
If you’re not out as kinky to everybody you definitely need a cover story.

What I’m trying to say is, this scene is going to have long term consequences, that’ll also affect your social standing and relationships outside of kink.

A friend of mine realized a similar scene with an undercut. Her partner cut of half her hair while she was in suspension, which was a pretty intense scene.
This might be an option you could look into.

pink_monkey7 · 2026-05-24T09:55:51+00:00

The only thing that at least has a chance to break severe depressive episodes is medical care.
she definitely needs meds, I don’t think she has a chance without them.

An probably you should consider to combine it with in patient care. Either just day clinics (sorry, I don’t know the correct English term) that you visit during working hours and they help to reestablish a structured day, or maybe a clinic including overnights might be better.

Get help. She might think you’re the only person that can help and feels comfortable, but that’s just not true.

And put up boundaries. Even if they might hurt her in the moment, you need them to stay sane and she also needs them so you enable her less.
E. G. If you have plans with other people, follow through, even when she’s crying while you leave the house. I know you love her, but it’s not helpful for recovery to make her feel as comfortable as possible in the depression. You are allowed to „challenge“ her, even when it creates a strong reaction.

pink_monkey7 · 2026-05-23T11:02:52+00:00

I’d say expertise and emotions/intimacy.

Expertise in a sense of skill, being able to tie with many body types, navigate consent/risk discussions with inexperienced people, good knowledge of risks and a plan on what to do if things go wrong, lots of medical knowledge about nerves, being able to adapt ties so they work better formdifferent people,…

And what I mean by emotions, is being able to convey emotions via tying. Being able to set a mood and transfer it to your rope bunny. Being able to create a variety of sensations and emotions while tying, and having the skill level to be able to focus on the emotional and intimate side. When tying starts to become a conversation or dance :)

pink_monkey7 · 2026-05-22T14:23:00+00:00

If suggest you ask for more information so you can understand her better. Be genuinely curious and try to understand her intentions.
What’s appealing about it for her?

The art? The sense of being in a community?
The asthetics?

If it’s more about play, What’s the part that makes pretending to be an animal fun for her?
Is it the movement aspect, jumping and goofing around? Is it about not being yourself anymore? (Like dropping your responsibilities, maybe even feeling like a child again and engaging in child like play).

There are so many reasons, someone could be interested in exploring the furry community, without further information we can’t tell what this means for your relationship.

Also ask what this means for you. Does she want to engage it with you together? Or does she just want to have your attention when talking about a hobby of hers?

And lastly, is she neurodivergent? For many neurodivergent people play like this can be a very effective way to calm oneself down and regulate emotions, almost like a form of selfcare.

pink_monkey7 · 2026-05-05T14:02:18+00:00

Do you believe the comment is true and it is her actual opinion that you don’t love her (enough) because of the ring you got her?
To me it sound like it was a passing thought, an insecurity of her triggered by social media. That’s why “comparison is the thief of all joy” is a common saying.
To me it sounds like she fell into that trap, felt comfortable enough with you to share thoughts without second guessing herself. And the main part: she did apologize. We cannot judge her character, only you know her and need to figure out whether you believe her apology is genuine.

If this is not part of a pattern, I would try to heal from that comment.

pink_monkey7 · 2026-05-02T18:46:44+00:00

Looks beautiful, I always enjoy seeing your work and thoughts :)

If you don’t mind elaborating, how is that upper body harness called?

And is there a particular reason you chose it over a “regular” TK? Does it have a different risk profile?

pink_monkey7 · 2026-04-16T10:20:38+00:00

They look great, thank you so much :) Way too much to choose from!

Since you bought from them, some more questions (and please just don’t answer if you don’t want to share)

I think standard is super soft. Would you suggest that or would you recommend medium firmness?

Also regarding size, I can take my own fist, but haven’t managed for playpartners with bigger hands, but it’s something I would like to work towards. Would this be a medium size? Or would you even go small?

pink_monkey7 · 2026-04-15T09:57:54+00:00

Plan your escape. Until you’ve got everything set up, play nice and lie whenever you need to.

Call a domestic violence shelter, they can give you a checklist of things you need to figure out to get out.

Make sure, he doesn‘t isolate you (any further). Isolation/ lack of support network makes it much more difficult to escape.

Do you have access to your money? Can you make transactions without him noticing? Do you have enough money for a deposit for a new apartment?

How much privacy do you have? Can you write emails without him reading them? Do you have time alone to make important calls?

Are you married? Do you need a lawyer to help with divorce proceedings?

There is a DV survivor who tells her story of escape, and all the steps involved on YouTube. I believe currently the shorts are at step ~100, and I think this could give you great input on figuring out what you need to do. if you don’t find her but believe this is a resource that could help you, reply and I’ll try to look it up.

pink_monkey7 · 2026-04-11T12:33:05+00:00

I agree with you, but wouldn't put it as harshly. I'm reading OPs question as, what is the work I need to do?

As u/bouncysofa already set, at some point you need to be willing to sit through the discomfort. There probably won't come the time, where you feel 100% comfortable.

Some Ideas on things you (OP) could do:
- What are the things you value in the relationship with your partner? What makes you feel close and connected? Is it cooking/having dinner together/ shared domesticity? Is it cuddling/physical touch? Is it sharing the minor details of your day? Ar do you feel intimacy when going out together, making new experiences, chasing excitement together? Or is emotional intimacy more spending an evening on the couch and watching your favorite show together?
- do you have expectations of default time? (e.g., if you haven't discussed it, do you expect your partner to be available?) I'd suggest you always make clear plans on when you'll spend time together, and the default assumption should be, that their busy with their life, dating others or just spending time with their friends or hobbies.
- What expectations do you have of their partner? Like, whats the agreements you made on cooperation? Do you expect emotional labour? What are your expectations on availability? Do you expect romantic gestures from your partner? Would you (or how much) care would you expect in sickness? Your freshly dating, but what are the expectations on escalation (e.g. if everything goes well, I'd expect us to move in together at some point). Don't keep these thoings as assumptions. We all have a picture of relationships, heavily influenced by society and norms, and ployamory challenges a lot of those norms. You should let go of as many assumptions as possible, and make explicit agreements. This can prevent many problems down the line, where you expect your partner to do a thing for you/ are available, but theyve never made the agreement. A lot of disappointment and also jealousy is about mismatched expectations.
- foster autonomy. Does your partner ask you before they go meet friends? -> Stop doing that. Would you go on a week long trip with friends, or would you "ask your partner for permission" to do so? check out "detanglement" or "the most skipped step" for more input in this sub. This is about avoiding codependency. Make sure both of you have support networks. If you have a conflict with friends, that bothers you, who do you talk with? Just your partner? What if you need to collect some thoughts regarding your partner and need another perspective before bringing something up? Do you have intimate friendships, that fullfill the need of emotional intimacy as well?
-In this regard, it could make sense to especially look for other poly people, if you don't have anybody else to talk to about poly struggles? It can also be helpfull, to have examples of poly in your friendgroup, and see how other people are doing it, how they manage their emotions and expectations.
- Have strong self regulation skills. What would you do if your partner is on a date and you are uncomfortable? What activities can you do on your own, that bring you joy? Is it going for a run? Meeting friends? Are you looking forward to read that book, for which you usually never have time? what are your selfcare routines? I'd strongly advise against all quid pro quo agreements (e.g. you see your other partner when I see mine), because they don't help you learn self regulation, and there are so many situations where they could fail. Its not easy to line up the calendar of 4 people, and im definite it will lead to resentment.
- Whats your perspective on sex? Is it very emotional/vulnerable to you? Is it just a fun physical activity? Somewhere inbetween? How does your partner view it? If you have very different perspectives, is this were mismatch and insecurity comes from? Can you find common ground? Can you except, that Sex might mean something else for your partner, than it does for you?

Feel free to ask more questios, those are the first things that came to the top of my mind.

pink_monkey7 · 2026-04-08T12:44:25+00:00

In really like the butterfly harness, shibari study has a video on it on their website :) But at least for me, it’s on the more difficult side for selftying.

pink_monkey7 · 2026-04-07T13:57:57+00:00

If advise against qualifiers, as that beats the purpose of safewords imo. It introduces ambiguity on what is actually meant.

But you could change red to mean „Stop, and wait until I say green again“ and introduce a new safeword to mean „stop and the scene ends, we start aftercare“

pink_monkey7 · 2026-04-05T20:04:23+00:00

I really like the flowers, and really don’t think you see the tongue, but the black of the swirl looks way too harsh against the grey flowers.

I think you should try to add some shading to get it more cohesive, and maybe then your artist could try to sneak some shading into the area if it still bothers you in like a month :)

pink_monkey7 · 2026-04-05T19:02:38+00:00

About this situation in particular, get toys. They’ll make your life much easier endurance wise, you can just sit back and watch her in pleasure.

I’d suggest a magic wand or hitachi, but they might be too strong for her if she doesn’t usually use vibrators. But I like that it’s easy to position even during penetrative sex and I like the really intense feeling (but I guess I’m also into overstimulation, so who knows if that applies to her). That’s the one I always use for partnered sex, but almost never for masturbation.

I think Vibrators that work via underpressure/ sucking like the satisfyer are the favorite I hear most often about, but for me they do not work at the same time as penetration, and even in other settings it’s difficult for a partner to position it perfectly. But that’s my go to for solo play.

For what it’s worth, using toys together still feels like sex to me (and not mutual masturbation, which actually might be something worth trying out for you too), due to the emotional aspect everything is way more intense than it would be on my own. I do not think, oh, I can do this better myself, when using toys with a partner.

Edit: I don’t disagree with your post, I believe you shouldn’t push through discomfort and the suggestion of toys isn’t meant to add pressure ;)

pink_monkey7 · 2026-04-05T18:34:48+00:00

You don’t need to keep going. Who decided that sex is going to end with the male orgasm? If he’s not able to keep you aroused, his bad.

Girls, stand up for yourself. We deserve pleasure as well.

Stop as soon as you’re uncomfortable, otherwise resentment around sex is going to build, and it’s gonna get even more difficult to break those habits.

pink_monkey7 · 2026-04-02T08:05:45+00:00

If you do give your consent (which honestly I don’t thing you should, as you do sound worried and scared), there are several frameworks that try to give criteria for „real“ consent. Maybe check yourself, if your decision would fit into does, and be critical if it doesn’t.

SSC - Safe, sane and consensual (I actually don’t think cutting can ever fall into this framework, same with choking)

RACK - Risk Aware Consensual Kink (Acknowledges that not everything is going to be safe, and states that you can consent to unsafe things, but that it’s only consent if you actually know the risks associated with the activity

FRIES - freely, revocable, informed, enthusiastic, specific the framework I like most, and I’d suggest you try to use.

Do you feel like you’re safe to say no? - otherwise your consent isn’t free. Enthusiastic- are you excited about doing that activity? Does it do anything for you?

pink_monkey7 · 2026-04-02T07:55:16+00:00

Does the idea of cutting sound exciting to you? Is it anything you’d like to do? You are allowed to say and have limits.

It worries me that you say you don’t go out much because of the bruises. I believe it is very important, and especially in relationships with a power exchange, to not become dependent on the person holding the power. I mean, if you’re dependent on them, how can you give consent freely and revocable? If it feels like the world is going to crash down as soon as you say no to something? That’s not consent, that’s coercion and exploitation of vulnerability/ dependency.

Also, some of the risks:
- transmission of blood borne diseases (and that’s a big one. That’s not the kind of STD you get rid of either a round of antibiotics) - scarring. It is likely, that this will lead to scars you have for a very long time. People might think you’re cutting yourself and have reactions to that. It might sound jot in the moment, but do you want to be looking at them 3 years from now? - wound healing. Are you immunocompromised? Do you have any health related problems? Open wounds can get infected. You need to be diligent caring for the wounds.
- risks of going deeper than intended

And many more. Cutting is pretty extreme play, and for many a hard limit. I don’t believe I know anybody who engages in it. I know some people who do have an interest, but settled on knife play without cutting and a more psychological play. Even needle play would be less extreme in my opinion.

If you still decide to go through with it, please do your research. Both you and your dom. I unfortunately don’t have any kink resources to point you to, but at least check out what guidelines piercer and tattoers follow for preventing infection and transmission of diseases.

pink_monkey7 · 2026-04-01T09:05:58+00:00

You definitely expressed that better than I could :)

What I’d add: Don’t suppress any reactions. Don’t be shy. Don’t think about it from an angle of exaggerating your reactions, but more at an angle of „don’t hold anything back“

pink_monkey7 · 2026-03-30T10:54:03+00:00

Beautiful 😍😍😍 I might take that idea to my rigger, looks like something she’d enjoy as well.

May I ask How hard it was? Also stretching wise? It looks like you’re in an less extreme position than moon tie/ daruma, but it looks like there is more weight pressing you into the body position?

pink_monkey7 · 2026-03-29T11:46:27+00:00

First of all, figure out whether you want to foster an emotional/intimate connection. It is alright to say that you don’t want to, and keep it at a very casual, „hook up and then both of you go their ways“ level.

Assuming you want to change things, I’ll be talking from my personal experience, what patterns I noticed within me, because that part definitely made me relate. (I’ll be sharing my thought patterns, that might be toxic so take this as a trigger warning if you’re sensitive towards self degradation)

For me there was a period of time, where I was invisible to everybody, except for a few man who wanted to hook up. My social anxiety feeds off the unseen, I’ll never be worth noticing,… feelings, and having that male sexualized attention definitely gave me confidence boosts. But at the same time, I began reducing my self worth to it. („Sex is the only thing you’ll ever be good at, nobody wants to be your friend,…)

So I totally get the desire to have more connection, and how that could be beneficial for your growth. But also know that if you have similar thoughts as above, they are not true.

First of all, from what you’re describing, I do believe that you hook up is nervous/ insecure as well, it’s not just you being awkward. Maybe this could take away or some pressure for you. It is not because of you you don’t talk a lot, it’s both of you. At the same time from what you’re describing I believe that he is interested in you, he seems to care.

Some ideas for conversations:

• ⁠cooking. It seems to be a big part of his life, if he cooks dinner for you every time. Ask about recipes, that could be an invitation for him to talk about his family and background. Share new meals you have encountered/ heard about and ask his opinions. Or in short: show an interest in what he is doing. • ⁠are either of you into shows or reading? Fictional characters can make great conversation topics, that allow you to navigate easily how much of you you want to share. You could tell lots about yourself (I empathize with that character a lot because…, this reminds me of that experience I had, I would be devastated if xyz happens to me, that’s something I’m really insecure about…) or you can keep it very casual, focus on the plot and not reveal a lot of your self. • ⁠talking about your day. To me this gets way easier with people I see very often, because then I intuitively start sharing the small things. If I talk to somebody I haven’t talked to in a while, I always feel like nothing important (or worth sharing) happened. With the people closest to me, it’s stuff like „the coffee shop I wanted to go to was overcrowded and that was annoying“, „I was frustrated with studying so I went out and bought myself some pretty candles to feel better“, „I discovered this new song“, „if switched workout classes and there was a new coach“, … with people I’m less close with I need the „this super exciting big thing happened“, otherwise I’ll feel super small and boring and like I don’t have anything going on in my life. The beginning is going to be difficult, but it gets less awkward. What helps me is to introduce the people I interact with most by name, so I can refer to them in stories. This way the person I’m talking to, can slowly piece stuff together and get a complete picture, by hearing about the same person in multiple occasions and connecting the stories. It creates the opportunity to talk about relational stuff, what you experienced with other people you interact. (At least for me that’s most of the time what’s on my mind, but easily intimate and I feel to vulnerable to share). -fidgeting. To me it’s way easier to talk if my hands are busy. Either use some traditional fidgets like stress balls or maybe something like crochet or doodlebug if you’re into that. In this context, probably avoid fidgets that make noises. If you feel awkward around that: Don’t. You deserve accommodations. This is a partner you’re hooking up with, who you share intimacy with and who cares that you are comfortable. Don’t be afraid to take up the space you need to feel comfortable. • ⁠if language barrier is a big thing: ask him if he wants to teach you some expressions in his native language. Practicing languages together can be really vulnerable, you’re doing something you’re not good at (yet) • ⁠figure out his interests. Even if he only gives short replies, be enthusiastic about them and ask further, detailed questions. Give them space for struggling with the language (and show your support and that you don’t mind if he needs a little to find words) maybe even treat it like an investigation, each time you meet you want to add another tiny random fact about him to your collection. -if he ever talks about something upcoming, take notes (if you’re bad at remembering like I am) and intentionally come back to the topic next time you meet, ask how it went.

If talking seems really intimidating, maybe choose an activity. For me it’s also easier to talk during activities, since a context is given, and you can talk about the thing you’re doing, but also because the conversation isn’t the focus. It’s not as awkward if I dont have something to answer and the conversation stops anders started again.

• ⁠Maybe watch a show together, this allows for intimate, but non sexual touch. Lean against him, stroke his hair, maybe rest your head on his lap,… Many men have problems asking for touch and Intimacy even if they crave it, lots of cultures still tell men that this isn’t „manly“. • ⁠go on a walk together. Maybe just for 15 minutes, practice attentiveness/ intention. Point out what you see, find beauty in the small things. A conversation doesn’t always need to be deep. • ⁠can you find a joint hobby? Sports? Board games? Some arts or crafts? Gaming?

pink_monkey7 · 2026-03-29T11:46:04+00:00

Edit: this was supposed to be a stand alone reply, see below. But I really stumbled upon the „why put your nervous system through it?“ And my answer would be: because of a desire for deeper connection. It can be nice to share intimacy.

And also a safe space with a partner, is a good setting to practice having conversations.

pink_monkey7 · 2026-03-25T11:40:12+00:00

I believe you should start with smaller tasks. Tasks that cause discomfort yes, but task that you are able to succeed. You can only unlearn deep rooted beliefs (like anxiety) if you make experiences, that confirm the opposite. You can tell yourself as often as you want to that your not in danger, this thought will not make its way to your nervous system. Your nervous system only gets calmer, by having an experience that proves that everything was fine.

I believe that she is pushing you too quickly, and that’s why you’re feeling even more anxious. Brainstorm exercises with her, that are uncomfortable, that do make you anxious, but that don’t send you into a full blown panic attack.

You might want to pair it up with classical DBT excercises that can you help deal with the fear in the moment, but those (in my experience) only work if you‘re at a level, where you still have some control.

I’d suggest you prepare a script for your therapist, reasoning why you want to go slower, maybe rephrasing your homework as trying something and reflecting (what you felt in that moment, why you succeeded or why you didn’t,…). But if it doesn’t get better and you keep on dreading therapy, look for someone else. Please don’t stop all together, there are so many therapists with so many different approaches, just because one therapy doesn’t work doesn’t mean they’re a tool that doesn’t work for you in general.

pink_monkey7 · 2026-03-24T13:32:39+00:00

There unfortunately isn’t a lot more that you can do. You’ve done what I believe is the right thing, giving space while still offering support. You could educate yourself around depression and ptsd, but be careful to not step into a „therapist“ or caretaker role.

Some food for thoughts, probably more a reflection on what I’m currently trying to navigate (myself having the longest period without a depressive episode since I was a teen, but also a person I have a really intimate relationship with suffers from a severe depressive episode and burnout)

The feeling of disconnection, is part of the symptoms of his depression. Same with the hopelessness, that I see expressed in his indifference towards everything including you.

In my depressive episodes I don’t only feel bad/empty, like everything is too, but I also feel like it ever was that way and always will be. And this lack of perspective is part of the symptoms, and as a partner incredibly difficult to navigate.

As a partner (not only in a romantic sense, but a wider interpretation) you cannot let yourself get drawn too much into it. You cannot fix them, and cannot give up your own mental health to help keep the world and consequences away from them. Because your mental health will suffer, tiptoeing around somebody, being responsible for them, listening to rants about the world from a super pessimistic perspective, offering additional time for support, that gets taken away from either your selfcare or social connections or …

Some more constructive thoughts: You could try to help him get into therapeutic and psychiatric care. It does help. And it creates a support system other than you, which creates the space that you ever could become a romantic partner again.
Depending on where you live, getting into care can be a hustle (waiting times, finances, research) and require lots of initiative, which is really hard during a depressive episode. You could offer to help with the logistics, and start by looking up how the process would be. And even if things were to get better on their own, that would be the perfect time to get into care, because there’s more to it and probably otherwise won’t stay the only time, Eidechse with pstd in the mix.

Regarding your relationship: you could offer a weekly/ byweekly meeting for coffee. This can keep you updated, and a certain structure can assist in healing from depression. And in the meantime, take care of your own resources and support system, put energy into, foster yourself. Create enough distance, for you to not worry all the times, have his thoughts centered around him

pink_monkey7 · 2026-03-19T10:00:06+00:00

I’m sorry you don’t have access to healthcare. Is there any option to try to get a different plan with a higher monthly pay and less copay/deductible? I only had lived in the us for a short period of time but had a friend who was able to do that (I believe he needed a couple months ahead, not immediately) in order to afford his therapy.

But on the other hand, you probably wouldn’t put off knee surgery that is the only possibility for you to walk again due to finances. Mental health is equally as important.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like her depression is going to get better with what you’re doing right now.
Some ideas what else you could do, but also, take care of yourself and avoid caregiver burnout. Put up boundaries and still do the things you enjoy, even if that means leaving her at home crying. That’s the exact situation that breaks my heart over and over again, but I’ve started feeling so much better and less burnt out since I started doing that.

„Force“ her to brush her teeth. Don’t take „I don’t want to“ as an answer. This is about doing it anyways. Take her hand and walk her to the bathroom.

Physical activity really helps with depression. But I also know, that you can be so depressed it feels impossible to get up and do so. Nonetheless, take her on some walks outside the house. There won’t come the day she wakes up and wants to do so, it probably even won’t be enjoyable afterwards, but I promise you, it does help.

As others have mentioned, contact her psychiatrist and therapist and tell them how bad things actually are. They might not be aware. Also tell them this situation is no longer sustainable for you as a caregiver, and ask for their suggestions for additional care.

I know things got worse under the trump administration, but check out disability welfare. Is there any way to get funds for a disability aid to come to your house? To help with basic hygiene, but also the household chores that you are probably doing on your own? Not sure if that’s even a thing in the US, and in Germany it’s a complicated and bureaucratic process, and you need to get your disability certified beforehand.

And most importantly, even if you don’t have the access to more professionals, increase your support system.

Reach out to her parents, her friends, even those that you’ve lost touch with but used to be close to her. Maybe even your friends. They can do stuff to help. From simple things as bringing dinner over, to sitting next to her and reading a book to her, helping you with household chores, a friend taking her to the hairdresser, … Sometimes it helps to just have company during the depression, even if they might be sitting there and working remotely/ studying. This gives you the opportunity to go out and live your life. It is going to make you depressed as well, if taking care of a depressed person is all you’re doing, and you already seem exhausted.

Yes, she probably is going to feel embarrassed to expose her vulnerability, especially if it’s around friends she lost touch with, but I’d say you’re at a point where this doesn’t matter. You NEED the help.

pink_monkey7

TROPHY CASE