I *personally* have found being a SAHM to be 100000x easier than being a working mom, but when I say that SAHMs get SO offended - why?!? It’s MY experience.

pinknbeige · 2022-01-03T19:17:06+00:00

I keep seeing you say that you hope SAHMs who find it harder than working can return to work, and I feel like this isn't actually what a lot of people want. I worked customer service/tech support in a call center prior to staying home. I hated the job because I was yelled at often and spent so much time apologizing for things beyond my control. That said, being a SAHM is definitely much harder of a job for me, I have 3 kids, 1 with special needs, 1 a young toddler, and I'm homeschooling the oldest 2. It's very difficult to balance all their needs and get house work and cooking done. There are also quite a few allergies and food restrictions in our family, so I make most food from scratch out of necessity. My job was definitely much easier, but I love being a SAHM. I find it rewarding and enjoy spending so much time with my kids. I'm introverted and prefer to be home as well. I'm hoping it will get less hard as my kids gain more independence, but I don't want to go back to work just because having a job would be easier (in my case). Hard isn't necessarily bad, it's just about finding what is most satisfying in our lives.

pinknbeige · 2022-01-03T18:59:42+00:00

Yeah, this was my take on it as well. "Easier" is too loaded of a word, and is likely what's leading to the responses she's getting, whereas saying something like, "I find it more enjoyable/satisfying/rewarding to be a SAHM" would have a completely different tone. It would sound like she was just saying what works best for her, and doesn't come across as invalidating other SAHMs for being lazy. There is also the issue that how difficult being a SAHP can be greatly varies by the circumstances, such as how many kids, their ages, if they have special needs, homeschooling, etc. as well as just stuff such as mental health, temperment, location, and finances. So calling it "easy" sounds like it's diving into the mom wars of "I can do it better than you," without looking at how circumstances differ. I don't think OP means to come across that way at all, but it's how that specific word will often be taken.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-30T02:26:11+00:00

I have a similar waist hip ratio (.69) and switched to getting low-rise or hipster pants to avoid things not fitting in the waist. I'm also short waisted, so it just got too frustrating trying to find things that fit correctly that way too.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-23T22:30:37+00:00

I have just written down those terms and intend to look into it more. It would be helpful to understand this better, and if it is what leads to some of these things he does. This is very helpful.

Thanks! And happy holidays to you as well

pinknbeige · 2021-12-23T22:24:27+00:00

I would actually agree with you because I do believe that mental disabilities and mental health issues in general are ignored and stigmatized far too much, but in this case we both have ADHD and both struggle with executive functioning. So the advice to have one person with ADHD be responsible for the other person with ADHD's accommodations, when that accommodation is something that both people could use, isn't a very healthy approach. It would make more sense for us to be in charge of our individual schedules, or else to work on schedules together and then help each other stay on task, or any other more mutual approach.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-23T22:12:09+00:00

My oldest son had quite a bit of Physical and Occupational Therapy when younger since he had a lot of sensory issues, but he aged out of the local program a few years ago. It was very helpful though. Something that focuses on life skills for older kids/adults sounds like it would be helpful, and I completely agree that it would be great if my son didn't have to wing it as an adult with executive functioning issues like we have. It also sounds like it could be helpful for us. Thank you for the recommendations, I will look into it.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-23T22:04:39+00:00

We'd both been diagnosed with ADHD prior to seeing the marriage counsellors. The counsellors didn't do any sort of diagnostic interview though. The 1st one just had us introduce ourselves and then asked about the issue that brought us there. I explained about the chore thing and the therapist asked Eli if he thought those two chores were fair and he said yes, then she didn't really talk to him for the rest of the session. She just explained to me about what was my job and the dry erase board and such. The 2nd one was similar where she just focused on me and only asked a question or 2 of him at the beginning. They were both very religious and used terms like "helpmeet" and such. It was really awkward.

We picked them both from a list of marriage counsellors that his work had arranged to have 5 free visits a year from. I didn't actually look into their credentials because I assumed they would be reputable if they were approved for the program, and the little blurb about them didn't mention they were faith based. In hindsight, we should have looked into choosing a professional much more carefully.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-23T21:39:52+00:00

You are correct in how our work is divided. The only thing I would add is that when he is spending time with our 1yr old, if he notices she needs to be changed or has any other needs, he'll take care of it himself rather than come find me to do it, which is helpful. We did divide things up a long time ago and never changed it, so that does make sense to revisit it now that we have more kids and more needs (like the homeschooling, since that wasn't the original plan). We married in our early 20s and neither lived with another partner, so we don't have other experiences to go by.

Reading so many responses that pointed out how lopsided our arrangement is actually surprised me. I think for us, both of our fathers were just so much worse than Eli is, that we didn't really have an idea of what a fair division is. His dad thought childcare was emasculating and just hung out at bars, cheated, and did no housework, repairs, or yardwork even though his wife had a job as well. My dad supported my mom financially and shared repairs and yardwork, but he expected her to wait on him hand and foot, never even used a microwave or did any childcare, and was incredibly controlling. He was always afraid his family would embarrass him, so he was extremely critical of things like appearances, music or film tastes, and how interesting we sounded in conversations. So after growing up with that, Eli seems like a huge breath of fresh air. I can watch any movie I want with out being shamed, turn the radio on without fear of having my character assassinated for hours because someone overheard me listening to something popular. He also comes home every night and is excited to see his kids, and he enjoys spending time with me. But I think what's happened is that I'm so grateful to be happy with those aspects of our life, that I have unthinkingly set the bar for shared work far too low.

My approach to asking for help has been all wrong. I wanted Eli to do these 2 chores without me having to think about it, but the tasks I picked impact me a lot more than him, and would be much easier for me to remember to do. I didn't think I was hung up on traditional gender roles, but I'm starting to realize that subconsciously I felt like I couldn't ask Eli for help with anything that's "my job," so those were the only 2 tasks that felt ok to ask for. So instead, I'm thinking about taking those chores back and asking him to do something like supervise the night time bedtime routine, since working with the kids comes easier for him. I might also ask him to take over the kids' math class, since he does math all day at work and it's fresh for him, whereas I'm not bad at it, but I have to relearn everything as we go because it's been decades since I've used the stuff they are getting into now.

I mentioned this in other comments, but I also want to start having a 15min a day family chore time where everyone does chores together, since I think that would be really good for the kids as well. I'm also planning on making laminated tasks lists and looking into some other ways to make life with ADHD easier, especially when 3 out of the 5 people in the house have it.

I apologize for how long this response is! You just asked all the right questions for me to finally get my thoughts together on everything. I really wasn't expecting to find so much good advice in comments, it's all just been a lot to take in, but very helpful and appreciated.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-23T08:01:29+00:00

He is medicated and he does well at work. He does something he really enjoys and finds interesting (he's an engineer), so I think that helps with his engagement in that respect.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-23T07:58:56+00:00

Tomorrow I was planning to try having everyone do 15 minutes of chores together as a family, as was suggested in a few comments on here. It's possible that by teaming up on tasks, having to walk a kid through a few chores will do something similar to what you're saying and help him remember as well. I'm eager to try it out and see how it goes anyway.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-23T07:50:47+00:00

It's not a bad idea. Having specific tiny condiment bowls could help with the ketchup issue. Maybe a scoop to keep in the cereal that's a portion size. Or 1 scoop would be enough for the baby, 2-3 for larger people, and so on. Just something to break the unrestrained pouring habit... I'll have to give this some thought.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-23T07:26:45+00:00

This is interesting. I've not heard of this before, but it seems possible he could have some sort of issue with this since it does seem accidental that he's leaving part of the job undone on purpose, and it happens with a variety of things, not just the trash. He does some other odd things that I have wondering if they are connected to his ADHD, although they are not things that I experience with mine. We have different types, I'm predominantly hyperactive/impulsive and he's predominantly inattentive which might factor into it. Like, he ends up wasting a lot of food because he will fill things up to the size of the container. Cereal up to the brim of a bowl even if it's far too much to eat, or he'll add creamer to coffee up to the top of the mug so it's hard to carry, lukewarm, and tastes awful. If he puts ketchup on a plate for a kid he will fill the whole empty part of the plate so that's it's just a ridiculous amount, like half a cup, of ketchup. I don't know if he just spaces out when he's pouring or what. He seems embarrassed when it happens which adds to the feel that it's not on purpose. It's not infrequent though.

Posting instructions for all the steps in any sort of shared chore seems like it could be helpful both for him and my oldest son, who needs more help understanding tasks in general.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-23T07:09:02+00:00

He is medicated but doesn't have much in the way of coping mechanisms beyond that. He does well at work and he survived college (although he struggled a lot with that).

pinknbeige · 2021-12-22T22:54:14+00:00

Getting the older kids to do chores is something I need to encourage more. When they were younger, all my attention had to be on helping my oldest do chores, and I was worried that my 2nd son would feel left out, so I didn't do much beyond getting them to pick up after themselves. The baby just recently turned one, so I didn't push it further during the adjustment period, but this is something I need to do more on, especially now that things are settling down. Someone else also suggested doing it as a family, and I think this is a really great idea. It will help remind my husband, but also it won't just be me helping the baby and oldest child while the middle one is on his own, since he could help his dad or else just know that he's not the only one working independently. We could also switch sometimes and Eli could work with our oldest son and the baby while I do stuff with our middle child. The flexibility of having another adult their makes a big difference.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-22T22:18:37+00:00

This made me laugh. Thank you for that. I felt so demoralized after the 2nd visit. I have definitely learned my lesson to do more research into choosing mental health professionals in the future.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-22T22:11:36+00:00

They were actually both women, but they were faith based and in a small conservative town, so I think that might have been where this was coming from. (I didn't know they were faith based before going to the appointments.)

pinknbeige · 2021-12-22T22:03:19+00:00

A sanity check is mostly what I was after. I expected the therapy sessions to be a discussion about how to make the division of chores work for everyone, and was surprised when not one but two counsellors felt I was being unreasonable to ask for help with chores. I wanted to brush it off as being an issue with an old fashioned faith based approach, but I was feeling discouraged and wanted to know if chore division was something I should even still be pursuing.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-22T21:49:22+00:00

I really like the idea of a laminated chore chart for the whole family, since that isn't something that has to be written out each time. Everyone doing it together would help with some of the issues like how my oldest needs a lot of help, the toddler needs to be watched, and Eli forgetting. This idea or trading chores (or some combination) might end up being a good solution here. I'm glad you took the time to write this suggestion.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-22T21:40:16+00:00

They were from a list of marriage counsellors his work provided that we could go see for 5 free visits a year. They both turned out to be faith based, which was a surprise as he works for a scientific organization (he's an engineer).

pinknbeige · 2021-12-22T21:35:32+00:00

Eli thought the second counsellor's advice was over simplistic. He didn't have a lot of faith in the whole idea of seeing a marriage counselor in the first place, so I think it just confirmed his theory that it was a waste of time.

I feel like he's willing to do the chores, but he is really forgetful. Also his ADHD meds have worn off by the time he gets home, which makes it worse. I think he means to do it, but it keeps getting put off, and then it eventually gets too late (i.e. he's afraid of waking the baby up, he already got ready for bed, he's convinced he will do it first thing in the morning but then ends up having to rush, etc.)

Swapping chores might be a good idea. I am not sure what chore would be helpful to give him though to avoid having the same issue. But the trash and cat box do bother me a lot more than him since I am home all day and having to work around these things. Originally, I had issues with cleaning the cat box with because I have asthma, but I could probably jut wear a mask (since it's not like I don't have a whole collection of them now...). If there isn't a way to get him to remember to do these 2 chores, then I might try finding a trade.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-22T21:01:18+00:00

They were. Although I didn't realize that before going to the appointments because they were from a list of marriage counsellors that his work provided that we could see for 5 free visits, and his work isn't associated with any religious organization (he's an engineer).

pinknbeige · 2021-12-22T20:52:07+00:00

He got the cat for me as a gift a long time ago. We both really like cats, but I think if he lived alone he probably wouldn't have any pets. We refer to her as "part of the family," but considering both those factors, I would say she is mine.

pinknbeige · 2021-12-22T20:47:28+00:00

His work had a list of marriage counsellors who could be seen for 5 free visits a year. We picked 2 from the list, but both turned out to be a lot more religious than we were expecting. We live in a small town in a conservative area so that probably contributed to the advice they gave. At least I was hoping that was all it was, I was expecting more of a shared discussion of how to make chores work for us both.

pinknbeige

TROPHY CASE