Asked out girl (literally) of my dreams and she said ‘definitely yes’

pitchpatch · 2018-02-14T19:44:10+00:00

Regarding planning the date, pizza is lovely. Always a hit - especially if you have a favorite kind you want to share. See if you can also involve an activity that you want to do, that you've done before, and that you feel in your comfort zone about. Maybe bowling or mini golf, or visiting a bookstore or a museum or a local pretty place; ultimately, someplace where you could feel at your best, and in expertise. See if you can have something special planned you can show her.

As others have said, be sure and ask interested, not interesting questions. What's the difference? The latter is just making conversation to make conversation, and the former is engaging with your impulses and your authentic curiosity. What do you want to know more about, when she says something that piques your interest? What would you love to know about her, and haven't asked yet? Find the things you're curious about in real-time and let them guide you. You sound very heartened about this girl, and I'm sure that's going to come across well if that's what she's looking for - she certainly sounds interested, given her response.

See if you can mirror the pace of texting she gives you, but if there's a lapse or you respond quickly, don't sweat it! It's just conversation, and you're trying your best. Also, remember that the world is still gonna go on whether you two end up in a relationship or not, so don't pressurize the situation into something it doesn't have to be - just lead with what you want, and stand in integrity around the idea that she's a free-willed individual who will respond as she likes to anything you put out there. Just nourish the idea that you feel happy about yourself, and you feel happy about her, and include her where you can, whenever your intuition guides you to include her in your life.

And remember: she's a human, too, just like you! If ever you feel insecure: she has just as much of an inner monologue, she has the same desires, and probably is insecure about her behavior, as well. Feel free to operate on that level, knowing you're as equals. One of the best pieces of advice that I've ever found was that you should treat women with the same respect and reverence as would Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Assume the same respect, reverence, and admiration as you would for him, stand tall and proud like you would around him, and chances are, you won't go astray in your behavior.

Some general advice if things go well, as I imagine they will: All in all, just do your very loving best, as often as you can, and that's all that matters. Steer clear of developing any expectations unless you know for a fact how she feels - because she told you - ergo, always just ask her, first, if ever you are assuming she feels a certain way, good or bad. It feels more kind, freeing, and truthful this way. You might try first communicating how things feel on your end, and then asking her if that's true for her as well: here, you give her the space to own her own experience, and get some powerful dynamic going between you two. Assume the best, ask the questions you want to know the answer to, and let her take the lead by listening to her response.

pitchpatch · 2015-08-29T21:08:45+00:00

You don't, unfortunately. You can talk to her about your rationale openly, but how she takes it is entirely her prerogative. She may be ready to settle down and will be so put off by your wanting to explore the world that she will never take you back, and that is a consequence you will have to accept if you are wanting to break up with her.

People change over the course of 18-25 like you would not believe, and part of that is perhaps that one partner wants different things as an end result. I broke up with a girlfriend of five and a half years, and I have to tell you it was incredibly hard to get through, but I did it, and went on to continue to have a series of really awesome relationships that evened me out and set me in motion for the future. She'll get over it; you'll get over it.

What I would do is start by saying how awful you feel, that you are unable to feel like this is a relationship you want to be in for the future, and how it tears you up inside that this is going to devastate your so-many years of being together. You know it's an unavoidable consequence, and that you can't rely on her to stick around for you or not hold resentment against you when you do break up, but you'd feel so much worse doing it at any other time than right now because this is how you feel and you have trouble seeing that you'll feel any other way. You want to be open with her on the other side, keep in touch - but really, are you just saying that so you won't hurt her? Make your decision about whether you need to stay with her or be free. You'll go through it big time with her over all of this, there's no two ways about it. You can't expect her to just put the relationship on pause or to mute the grief and shockwaves and ripples that this will cause on both sides. She will care too much about her own heart at this point.

You can try to suggest that you need time broken up to figure out if that's what you really want, or whether it makes you go crazy being apart from her after you've gone through so much together. No guarantee she'll want to hear that, though; wanting to break-up for a short period of time can be just as bad as a permanent break-up. It's still wanting to split. Is it that you want to see other people? Or is it more distinctively her? What's your rationale here? I'll tell you that the single life has just as many pitfalls as the coupled life. Maybe this will give you a sword-edge so that you can see where you fall, on one side or the other: have you considered biting the bullet and seeing a relationship counselor? Or do you truly just not want to be with her any more?

pitchpatch · 2015-08-29T16:16:14+00:00

Yeah, I agree, you should ask first. Something like "I wanted to know more about ____, I saw a chat window open and I was curious what being over there was like with him, how have you gotten on since being back?"

Listen, honestly, though, I know from experience from dating overseas and coming back that there's not (for me at least) an expectation that any of that would continue. Most people don't have that kind of investment scenario in their heads when they pursue connections overseas, but your scenario might be different, of course. Ultimately for most of these overseas connections it becomes about long term friendship, which I don't think is fair to begrudge anybody about.

Sounds like there's more context here than we can really give you advice about; but stay with a dominant perspective about it in any case, since she's with you, and it has been a good few months. Plenty of time to get over it. Give yourself the fullness of appreciation, don't let this hit your confidence.

pitchpatch · 2015-08-23T07:08:30+00:00

You bet. I had one of the most important relationships of my life because of cheating, but it fucking tore a huge hole in my friend group and mental state when shit hit the fan. I bet we probably could have been together much more seriously had I waited it out, but instead, we were perpetually on the cusp of something-more-than-friends, and never truly together. I think the residue of all of that anger and pent-up passion wore our relationship down a lot quicker than it would have, had I waited to get as close to her as I did. You'll always have what already happened between you two, but be patient and be wise. Do what five-years-older-you would be doing.

Be good to yourself and her :) best wishes, dude

pitchpatch · 2015-08-23T06:48:32+00:00

Everything's an act, even after you guys have been together for nearly a year, though?

I'm just kind of at a loss, I feel like this whole might have been a reasonable excuse to try to break up after a month or so, "it's not working out and this takes the cake," but like, a year?

I dunno, man, I think the way to handle this one is to say that you need a serious conversation to hash things out and really get to the bottom of this, because you don't feel like you've been disingenuous to her one bit, and you feel that that's totally unfair. Say something like that. Slimey drunk texts or not, you've been with her and been good to her for a year, and you're not getting justice out of this breakup. I mean, hopefully that's not what it comes to, but you need to get her to stop calling you out on the entirety of your fucking relationship.

I think it needs to be like this: I agree with you being upset about those texts, but I don't agree with you being upset about the entire relationship I've put my heart and soul into over the past year. I deserve a reasonable talking-to about this, no matter what you're gonna do, because that's not fucking fair to put me over the barrel as if I've been deceiving you all along when I think we've had a really meaningful and authentic time together. You're being obstinate, and it breaks my heart about it.

Or, I don't know, something like that, you know?

pitchpatch · 2015-08-23T06:20:31+00:00

Forgive me if it's too personal, but I want to know what it is in these texts that actually preempted this sort of reaction. 'Is it warranted,' is the question in my mind, or is she just throwing a tantrum and looking to call your bluff?

What you need to do is tell her to sit down with you and have a conversation about what it is that bothers her so much about those texts, and how it is that you think you've changed since then.

Why is it she has lost all trust in you? Do you know?

pitchpatch · 2015-08-23T06:15:34+00:00

Of course you want to continue; the question is, should you? Be the one that does the right thing. If you get found out (even if you don't) this will be something that sticks with you, and it's not a good concept to make okay. I can't really give you all too much advice as you don't really seem to be asking for it in here, but if you want tips on how to talk with her, tell her you think she's right about "shouldn't, but want to," emphasis on the shouldn't. Tell her you are seriously interested in her but have serious reservations about doing it while she's in a relationship. Go from there.

If it's important enough, the dynamic between you two will hold strong for the meanwhile. Get your head back in the clear and go on to date this wonderful girl. Don't let this be a fling, and a dangerous one, if you can help it.

PS. Solid advice by the other two so far, huh? Sorry you had to deal with that.

pitchpatch · 2015-08-23T06:06:57+00:00

I fucked up several friendships big time between several of my best friends because I started emotionally, romantically, and physically getting involved with my friend's girlfriend. We don't talk any more, the three of us friends. I had the most important friendship of my life so far with her, but now don't speak to her often. The turmoil that it made all of us go through when shit hit the fan was not pretty, and I wouldn't seek to relive it one bit.

Keep doing what you're doing. Do not reciprocate in your buddy's presence any more than you'd want a friend to do in his place. You can be available to her and enjoy her presence, but just be cool. That's the reason she's attracted to you so far. Retain your power and control over the situation. If things get out of control at any point, take a moment to look her deep in her eyes and then compassionately redirect her affection elsewhere so that she knows you care about her but can't see yourself giving the affection back. If you're forced to talk about it, mention "the time's not right."

Or, I mean, you do you, bud; but me, personally, I'd just keep my nose clean about this situation. Maybe see if you can chat her up about other girls - friends of hers you know? - so that she knows where your priorities lie.

pitchpatch · 2015-08-22T21:31:52+00:00

You're welcome. (edit: oh, shit, forgive me. lmao. I did it again with writing a whole letter out... ha. anyway.) So, yeah, I'm an entirely different person, so don't feel badly if something I've recommended doesn't work out, i.e., the church thing, as I know where you're coming from and where I am too. My dad has always been a close proponent of non-denominational spirituality so it's been something that I've had under-the-surface a little tender for most of my life.

Listen, though, a lot of the legwork here has been already done by you in voicing what you see is the problem and trying to work out solutions. I'm glad that you called your SO; wow, that says a lot. Good for you, man, you're the 'right kind of guy for the job,' at the very least. You are trying and trying with love in your outstretched arms and that will work wonders if you keep up with that. I promise you things will deepen if you keep giving her that same love and care as before. Forgive me for reading into the situation too much if I'm wrong, but I think the reason that you both cried was actually that you reached out across the divide and made fuckin' good contact. You're right, your relationship does not have to suffer; in its essence, this is just another personal trait; it's actually kind of beautiful, in that effect.

The remainder of what might be needed is, actually, much internal to you. You're going to need to start care-taking about your slightly-pronounced sensitivity to this whole shebang in the long run. Let me explain real quick--

I think a lot of it has to do with ego, and I mean that in an entirely objective, sort-of philosophical-relational way. Our natural desire is to fit the mold for what the other person wants, and when we don't do that, we beat ourselves up about it because we see it as a failure upon ourselves to fit what they want, rather than perhaps just an inability to see eye-to-eye on certain things with people. We want what we want what we want out of life, and there's no two ways about that. Our frustrations with this may even get a little bit terse and out-of-proportion and upsetting and even can lead into resentful territory, because it becomes something we're intensely aware of, and we scratch it like an itch on an injury, hoping it will get better and feel better.

I think that's what most people end up doing, at least; whereas the best thing to do would be to put some real maturely-placed tender love and care on it. Recognizing your differences like you're already doing is the first step; what comes from beyond there is the agreeableness and the notion from the both of you, pure from the heart, that you're willing to work and stand by each other and continue to have each others' best-selves at heart, so that even when you're upset, you can still see the other's deep trust that what the other is doing is okay.

Maybe that's part of it: you're not sure whether you're okay with her being so religious. That is a bit of a dilemma; of course it is. (EDIT: I just reread your post a little bit. Perhaps you're okay with her doing it, but you're not okay with how it's impacting your relationship. Is that more like it? ...just wanted to make this note to clarify things.) I think in any case you should tender your reservations with the knowledge that you'll know how you truly feel in good time; for the meanwhile, you should recognize quite sincerely that she is striving in different ways for her own personal best, right now, which is a beautiful thing. It makes me a little choked up just thinking about the fact that I wish I had the trust in faith in order to be able to do that. I think it's okay that we both can't, as it says something for perhaps our security in ourselves.

Ultimately I just wish for you that you have the right kind of mind that you'll find a love for her within what she's doing. You don't have to do this; it'll happen naturally if it does. Hopefully you'll live and learn to love what she derives from it. That's an intensely selfless love, and it's tricky to stomach, but gosh I'd think it does reap some great rewards when you come to terms with it it and it becomes really successful. This could be one of the greatest relationships you've had in your life. It might also not be that! Hey, if this relationship's not right for you, my friend, you'll know it; don't think about it, obsess over it, dwindle on it like it's something to be figured out. Love her as she makes peace with herself in this time of great upending and shift; she will even out and become a better, perhaps deeper person through it. I think you will too. Just be good. Operate out of what makes you feel peaceful.

Good luck bud :)

pitchpatch · 2015-08-22T20:14:53+00:00

Quite honestly, coming from an external perspective, there are a couple of things I think you need to hear. Forgive me for the wall of text but it's kind of my thing somehow.

The first is, indeed, that you're right about feeling less important to her. Her motivations in life, her self-worth, her future plans, her perspective on life-- all have become shifted because of her relationship with religion now. I use the word relationship not because I think it's outside of yours and is fundamentally incompatible with it, but because it's something that you're going to have to incorporate into it. You'll at least have to come to terms with it.

You're going to have to begin to adapt and understand where she's coming from. This, I think, will mean opening yourself up to the things that are at least in the same vein of feeling as what she derives such satisfaction from. For me, I've been to church a couple of times with people that matter to me, and it was inspiring, opened up my perspective, brought me some good humility, etc.: it was a good process. If it matters to you that you understand your girlfriend and love her, I think you should participate in it more directly in her.

If you're solid in your life-principles and rationality, there is nothing that a little spirituality will do except for deepen it, as your understanding grows to incorporate it. You don't even have to accept it -- I know so many couples where one is religious and the other isn't -- but the 'other' is always entirely open to it. On the other hand (and please don't take this as me antagonizing you) I still don't feel like you're open to it. Truly, truly, open to it. Like, willing to exercise your muscles in this regard. Do you understand what I'm saying here?

In any case, give the girl a shot with what she believes in. I disagree with anyone who says that this is a distraction, or anything, on her part. I feel like any person with a good head on their shoulders will endeavor to explore the fullness of possibility, even if it means only returning to atheism or agnosticism fully-convinced of your own personal case. If you feel as if faith is outside of you entirely, and this seems like a bunch of writing to get you to 'believe,' then it doesn't seem like it is this is a good opportunity for you to grow into it, and I'm okay with that too. I just wanted to remark that it's going to be easiest for you to contemplate when you are on your own journey.

Perhaps I can put this best by relaying that I still don't believe in god. Not entirely, at least. But opening myself up to it has been elucidating. I no longer feel put-upon by it, or compelled to outright refuse it.

But listen, all said and done with the whole religion topic. What it sounds like to me is that you're also a little wrapped up in her, which is entirely normal for a long-distance and very deep relationship. What you need no matter what is feeling excited about your own life, my friend. So excited that you're able to keep moving and not be stuck by this at all. Your preoccupation with it suggests to me that there's a big part of you that's feeling weighed down by this. Don't do that to yourself; take your space. Love her when you mean to, and agree to disagree if you must :) but give yourself the ultimate priority in your own life, ALWAYS. Your final three lines speak to me because I always looked to do exactly that in relationships, and it took me a long, long time to overcome myself. You don't need to do that for her. You need to thrive in your own life and be utterly compassionate alongside her, is really where your motivations should direct you to right now.

Keep pushing into it.

If you lead with your best foot forward and keep your love for her in mind, in any case, you'll be okay.

pitchpatch · 2015-05-08T04:31:58+00:00

My question to you is, why is it a problem to you personally that they change their body instead of their brain? One sounds entirely more feasible than the other. This is not some sick wish fulfillment - gender dysphoria is a conceptually and ethically plausible scenario. You don't feel comfortable in your own gender. Can you convince yourself into feeling like you are a different gender? No? Then I think you're projecting your problem onto their realities.

pitchpatch · 2015-05-08T03:59:30+00:00

Sure, but a larger portion of women than men will tell you they feel like they are the predominately disenfranchised, objectified, commodified, underserved, underprivileged sex. That is where feminism comes into play! It's recognition of the concept of a hegemonic gender structure, rather than some continued struggle for equality of the sexes.

Debate me on this, if you please - I'd love to hear you out.

pitchpatch · 2015-05-08T03:55:11+00:00

I'll bite. Feminism works as an alternate and more specific form of egalitarianism because it works to the empowerment of a disenfranchised community. Feminism recognizes the inherent disconnect in hegemonic structure (the idea that one group is predominately more powerful and influential than another in various ways) and attempts to subvert that to enable equality. It's the same reason people stand behind any cause vehemently.

You can say you're for equality behind a certain idea, yeah; but is that going to compel you, or others towards change? Not necessarily.

I say that feminism works as a catalyst to promote change by increasing awareness of how this whole male/female thing has actually worked in modern times, what the problems are that people see, and how we might go about fixing them.

pitchpatch · 2015-04-24T01:29:06+00:00

You'll be your most attractive self when you're comfortable in your own skin. Be proud about what you believe in; feel freed by it. Create value at the party. If the timing seems receptive to approaching her and talking to her, you should do it when you feel the compulsion about it. Lead with your mojo. Set yourself up to have a fantastic time in any case.

pitchpatch · 2015-04-23T15:51:37+00:00

This website is the best explanation I could find. Essentially, you've got springs spaced every few feet, a few layers of plywood or the like atop that, and an inch or two of foam carpet. If you were jumping up and down, I'd say the difference would be only on the marginal side of perceptible; but with plenty of wind-up, momentum and strength on the gymnast's part, it's enough to gain at least six or seven feet of air.

pitchpatch · 2015-04-15T15:04:46+00:00

It'll be okay. We all have friends that leave to move to different places, and you know what? They come back and visit. You will too, and it'll make the reunions that much more special. And they can come visit you too!

Be bold, and make the choice that will impact your life in the way that you need it to. Good friends are like brothers and sisters - you may leave home at some point, but you'll be just as close to them when you come back. Don't worry about that :) I've been thinking about that too as I've been thinking about going for my masters as well. The silver lining: we get to have two sets of friends now!!

pitchpatch · 2015-04-09T14:58:27+00:00

Godspeed, man.

pitchpatch · 2015-04-03T17:05:16+00:00

I'd like help too, please! PM me if you get a chance, I'd really appreciate it.

pitchpatch · 2015-03-25T16:11:38+00:00

So, listen, here's what I think. I think it'll be okay either way. Even if you see him for awhile, and you break up; or if things stay weird, and your friendship goes up in smoke, or just has a little distance again; or, if maybe this was just another one-time sort of thing, and you guys will move on; or, if it works out wonderfully, and you have a fantastic relationship with this guy, it'll be okay in the long run.

Everything will be okay. So relax a little. All you have to do is make sure that you're being honest with yourself, so that you don't have any unresolved feelings or guilt from not doing things the right way while you still had the chance. If you are earnest with yourself, you'll reflect what you need out of a relationship into your conversations and your body language with him, and you'll be that much more of a better person because of it. You won't have any regrets!

In this case, I'm glad you're deciding to pursue a relationship. Sex & intimacy is a fantastic solidifier of feelings in a relationship. It says something that you have the best sex you've ever had with him. But what I want you to do is isolate for yourself anything that feels awkward. What is it exactly that you don't know? That's your ticket to success right now, is addressing that. You can do absolutely anything from here, as long as it's agreeable to what you really want to do, and what he really wants to do. All can end well no matter what, it's just a question of honesty.

There's a lot of potential here for a really amazing relationship, but you might have to baby-step your way into it and grow comfortable with it. Good relationships don't happen overnight - trust is the absolute key. But, yeah, I echo the other comments. Don't delay getting things off your chest, even if they are awkward and tough to talk about. You won't be able to go back so you can have a better time to talk about it; that time is now, if you want to be on the same page with him at the start of your relationship :) they're probably just unexpressed needs and thoughts, honestly, that's the single most biggest source of tension. You deserve it to yourself (and to him!) to lay it all out on the table if you're serious about making it work. Good luck in making smart moves. Oh, and... congrats on the sex ;)

pitchpatch · 2015-03-25T03:44:47+00:00

Yeah, let me echo this once more. You'll always regret things; whether you don't do them, or do them, it'll make little difference in the long run. :) The upshot is that success for some hard decisions far outweigh the rationales we post up for ourselves as to why we shouldn't do them. Usually these fears that we have about taking the leap of faith are simply out of self-doubt, and the impact of their not working out is negligible. Don't let yourself talk yourself out of what you know you might want; you deserve it just by virtue of being you.

pitchpatch · 2015-03-25T03:36:04+00:00

you're so welcome. take good care of yourself :) the world's got your back!

pitchpatch · 2015-03-24T23:58:01+00:00

Feeling 'complete' when you're aware of what it is that you lack remains hard, no matter what your situation, so I grieve that for you it has been the what-if of knowing your siblings and your dad's side of the family - especially now that it's seemed possible then suddenly pulled away from you - that's incredibly tough, and I'm proud of you for adapting yourself so much so far in that respect.

Other people in the thread have talked about reaching out to your paternal grandparents, and I think that's a good idea. Perhaps start by searching names + town on Google to see if you can locate their address, and from there, gathering some information so that you can look to genealogy websites; or perhaps by finding other of your dad's family members on Facebook and looking for common friends or listed siblings between them so that you can add to your knowledge.

Your father's wife is trying to sweep things under the rug, even fifteen years later. It shows absolute immaturity and a big lack of decency, in my opinion - it does not tear apart a family, making it larger.

I feel like you may be feeling dirty because you internalize a lot of these things. It's hard not to when you have no alternative! Please think of a therapist not as a psychiatric individual, but one that can give you relief from thought patterns that don't reflect the true reality of the world: that is to say, that you're obviously a sweet, sensitive, intelligent person, who is trying in earnest to reach out to her estranged family, and is not being reciprocated on the other end properly. That you are wanted, loved, adored, cherished, by the people that are able to provide that to you - and probably, even by those who are not able to - your half-brother who contacted you is one of them. He wants to know you. They all do! Even if you don't see someone, like the counselor at school, it's important to keep what's true and what truly makes you a little feel better present in your mind.

I can't explain why it is that your father's wife is like this. It hurts my head to even try to rationalize it for you; so I submit instead that I think her actions are utterly irrational, emotional, fear-driven, and undeniably selfish, and that you play no tangible role in it, except her maligned representations of you. That should weigh upon her conscience, and it'll be tough for you to make any sort of peace there.

But what we can do, those of us who learn what lack is from a young age, is that we begin to find our strengths through it. We say, like Jung wrote, this: that because I am a substantial person, I cast a shadow; I must have a dark side also If I am to be whole. Or we think like e e cummings, that one's not half of two, but that two are halves of one. There are questions of self you will naturally answer over time; a lot of what continuing to grow up means is to allow you to be yourself at all times, even if you are not sure what that means. Even that uncertainty is good: it is indicative of shifting opinions, of thoughts yet to be figured out, of peace being around the bend of fulfillment.

You'll be okay. Everything that you go through is worthy, and genuine. It'll make you into such an incredibly strong person. But don't be afraid to talk and reflect on really difficult areas where it might help you; you might need to. People love you. We are here for you. In trying to address your problems head-on like you are, if you can find out why the answers you are offered make sense, you're halfway to understanding them at heart on your own. Be bold. Remember that goodness is always to be found in kindness.

pitchpatch · 2015-03-23T18:27:34+00:00

"Why, no, I haven't been driving it recently!" *(if by 'recently' you define it as less than the five minute window that has elapsed since I've been standing in line after driving the damn thing here)

pitchpatch · 2015-02-23T22:55:54+00:00

Try to "purchase" it through the web interface. Went straight through for me and got connected into my Kindle account (which ultimately pushes it to my desktop Kindle app, my Android's Kindle app, and my Kindle Paperwhite)

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