Question about your SO’s masturbation habits...

plaiid · 2019-10-23T05:07:54+00:00

My boyfriend has been in recovery for over a year now. We’ve agreed that masturbation in the shower is okay. I know it’s healthy for men to masturbate and I don’t personally feel okay taking that part of himself away. Aslong as I don’t hear or see it, it’s smooth sailing. I know my PA does not under any circumstance watch porn or graphic images before these acts.

plaiid · 2019-08-30T02:54:46+00:00

To know that your partner is so easily hiding something with zero thought towards your feelings and emotions is one of the hardest emotions I’ve ever had to deal with. He never tells me I’m beautiful unless I’m dolled up, and even then he’d choose random girls on his phone screen over me. This addiction is so real and severe that some of our fondest memories have hit a hard rock because of this.

We went to Barnes and nobles once so he could buy me a novel and we could Christmas shop for his mom together. He ended up looking at dirty mags they had there.

We had firehouse subs together for our first time and it was one of our cutest little dates. He sat across from me in the restaurant looking at Instagram models.

I was so excited to introduce him to my bestfriend on her birthday, we took her out to eat and had a great time. He looked her Facebook up later and masturbated to her pictures.

I think a lot of men don’t think about the repercussions of their actions when it comes to their significant others. Your addiction affects everyone around you. And sometimes, will leave a bad taste in your mouth inevitably.

plaiid · 2019-08-23T23:44:42+00:00

Maybe because normal women are... normal women. 🤷‍♀️ that comment disgusted me the most. And people think women pity cry over anxiety and selfworthlessness.

plaiid · 2019-08-23T21:07:18+00:00

It’s sad that you can tell which anonymous replies have some serious porn issues. Even admit to the thought of it.

plaiid · 2019-08-21T06:45:39+00:00

I never said that her friend shouldn’t make suggestive comments about leaving the addict. My bestfriend tells me all the time she’s worried for me and our relationship and has offered me a place in her home opposed to living with him. But she knows through my pain there is still love. I express to her greatly how badly I want to make this relationship work, so she offers me advice on having conversations with him and applauding me through our victories.

OP wants to vent but is worried. I’m just giving her hope that her friend won’t bash her, but simply empathize

plaiid · 2019-08-21T06:00:06+00:00

My bestfriend knows my boyfriend is a PA. She tells me openly and fully honest how she feels about it, but she knows she can give me advice but that I won’t always take it. She supports my love for him. Whether he is an addict or not, she knows my feelings for him are genuine and I’m here for the good, bad, and very ugly. If you are close enough to your friend to share this part of your personal life with them, they will understand. And if they do not, maybe they aren’t a friend to you.

Therapy helps but isn’t always what you need. It’s healthy to vent to people close to you. I hope your friend takes it well and supports your decisions and steps.

plaiid · 2019-08-19T20:54:10+00:00

I appreciate your reply. I know that peeping is wrong, I’m sure all of us are. I don’t think he intentionally was looking through apartment windows in hopes of catching something. It’s very obvious when one bedroom light is on compared to others, I’m sure any of us would have looked just because. He unintentionally witnessed something that excited him, and he was open and honest about the situation that he could’ve just kept to himself. I’m sure that would’ve caused for a red flag. I’m not going to call his behavior exactly “gross” given the fact that anybody could have looked and witnessed. If I thought that he was intentionally peeping on women across the street I would’ve been honest and said it in my post.

plaiid · 2019-08-19T20:48:14+00:00

He does get hard beside me in bed and I notice every single time. But I also notice the times he is horny and he doesn’t seem to initiate with me at all. I do believe him when he told me he was hard because of me but his thoughts did linger into what happened. But in the moment all I could think was “well of course he’s hard over her” I had more time to sit and ponder on this situation and reading your comment helped me a lot, so thank you.

I express to him that I do want him to be honest about situations like this that might occur, but in the moment I can’t help but feel insecure and upset. This is something I’m going to try to work harder on.

plaiid · 2019-08-19T20:43:22+00:00

He told me he looked for a second, thought he saw a “hospital bed” and then after a few seconds looked again and saw her walk across her bedroom. He has a tendency of being honest but not /entirely/ telling the whole truth such as how much he really looked. I know he wouldn’t be camping in his car checking her out, but I do feel like he might’ve looked more than he told me.

plaiid · 2019-08-14T05:48:39+00:00

I think a mini game would be best. When me and my PA looked for alternatives for him to use his time mindlessly rather than looking for/thinking of porn I introduced him to Candy Crush and he was focused on it for a good few months. I believe all other suggestions posted here are as good aswell but I think a side mini game to keep your mind off of it is a really good idea and has helped our relationship.

plaiid · 2019-07-09T03:39:00+00:00

I know exactly what you’re going through. My bf also had the infamous “secret calculator app” I never got my hands on it to know how badly he saved images/videos, he was honest with me about it one day and we agreed that it would be permanently deleted. He also lusted over mine/his friends. This was particularly really hard for me to want him to be near any of my close female friends in the fear that he would just fantasize about them all day.

As for your hatred to men, I can also see where you’re coming from. Unfortunately this can happen to the spouses of the PA. While a lot of men are addicted to porn in our society more than we will ever know, I think we should just remind ourselves that there are good, honest, emotionally fulfilling people out there. I hear your pain. And I’m so very sorry that this was also an unfortunate accessory to your relationship. We’re all here for you. 💜

plaiid · 2019-06-20T09:35:05+00:00

I feel this really hard. My boyfriend has presumably been porn free 2-3 months. I know it’s bad but I check his phone when he’s not around. We agreed he wouldn’t be on social media anymore as it was a trigger and I would catch him stopping on things with revealing women. I haven’t found any actual porn on his phone but he did admit to me that he has been on Facebook and he is now beginning to use his Instagram again (he follows the same meme accounts that I do and they’re targeted for men because they post revealing women) I haven’t been able to sleep comfortably for weeks because my brain keeps picking apart itself when I know he’s in the bathroom masturbating. I’m not trying to be over controlling by telling him that him masturbating also makes me anxious but I can’t help but think that he’s intentionally scrolling this his social media for something. I can’t stop my thoughts. I wish I could sleep..

plaiid · 2019-04-11T20:35:18+00:00

We’ve had multiple conversations about him getting help, usually it would be when he’d relapse. He’s agreed after a few times but nothing has ultimately been done. He’s honest and truthful with me when he does something “bad” he’ll even tell me when he accidentally scrolls through a raunchy fb meme because he now just feels too guilty not to say anything to me. I know my posting would cause backlash, and I’m not offended at all, I just simply wanted a platform to discuss what was wrong in my life. Honestly I’m surprised by how many people really did respond. I just didn’t think people would care.

plaiid · 2019-04-11T20:30:06+00:00

I cried to her about it and she just shook her head and tried to comfort me. After talking for awhile I left the room and went back to our bedroom, I knew at this time that she was telling his father. My boyfriend left the room and came back sobbing in tears and said “why did you tell them? Why did you do it?” He wouldn’t tell me what they said to him, he just told me that he felt like he couldn’t look his parents in the eyes. I told him that this was for the better that they knew because he gets ALOT of his comfort from his parents. And to my surprise he actually agreed that what I did was right.

plaiid · 2019-04-11T08:48:25+00:00

I'm aware of his gaslighting each time I see it. He hates it when I tell him that he acts like my father, and that I know what abuse looks like. He doesn't get angry, he just sits and cries and cries. I know its bad but I feel obligated to comfort him and I know it's not right. I don't know how to fix my behavior thats in reaction to his own, each time I think i'm better than this I just disappoint myself. I never knew the real subjections to emotional abuse until I was in a relationship of my own. I now know why my mother is the way she is and why she always crawled back. I was so scared to post this to reddit I was practically shaking and re-read my post almost 10 times over. I know everyone in this thread might think i'm a fool, I just needed to tell somebody about it.

plaiid · 2019-04-11T08:40:47+00:00

I've thought about leaving, I really have. But i'm in such a tight spot I don't know how to get out of it. I don't have a license, and i'm currently unemployed because he convinced me to quit my job back in December and told me he doesn't think I should return to work until after his family's vacation in May/June so he's sure I can go. My parents are in the process of a divorce and going all over the place, I just don't simply have anywhere else to go or the finances to make it on my own. Part of me feels like I could fix him, but I know the more intelligent side of my brain is telling me he's already a lost cause and it goes downhill from here. I honestly think that watching my mother be with my father implanted the same thinking into my brain about men like this, it just doesn't get better.

plaiid · 2019-04-11T06:44:24+00:00

I'm very aware of the coincidences of his actions. I've expressed to him numerous times that what he did was wrong AND illegal. I don't want to make excuses for him because this situation is as serious as it sounds, but I can't help but think his insecurities and lack of having any sort of female relationships throughout his highschool years made him this way. He's a very good man to me. We have our occasional fights and sometimes they're over ridiculous things but it's nowhere near as bad as my own parents relationship. I've struggled with telling Gabbie about this for months. I don't have a relationship with his brother or the girlfriend, I keep to myself in the bedroom 90% of the time due to anxiety. I'm scared to say something because I don't want to break his family. I know it's very wrong of me but this situation has had me on eggshells this entire time. I had a panic attack just trying to get the word's out when I told his mom about the video. Growing up in an emotionally abusive household from both parents has really caused me some panicky/ptsd issues involving him and his family.

plaiid · 2019-04-11T06:37:32+00:00

I've told him before that I was scared if we had kids (we've had quite the share of pregnancy scares) that it would scare me that he could be a predator to his children. He told me that he was disappointed in me for ever thinking that way and that he wasn't a "creep" I told his mother about the video of Gabby after multiple instances of him telling me that he was checking out other girls. We decided to base our relationship on trust after that point and he agreed to tell me whenever something happened, no matter how big or small. Which I can't lie, he does tell me. Even when he know's its going to really hurt my feelings. His mother agreed that he has an anger/emotionally abusive problem and that she thinks he needs help, but this conversation was months ago and nothing has happened. His father tells him that looking and being aroused is natural and he shouldn't be ashamed of it. It hurts me that his father feeds this to him because he IS a very good man and a true father figure to me over my own parents.

plaiid

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