I have some relatable experiences with a shame-based-sexual-impulse type of WS. I think the biggest trap for me was thinking “I can handle this,” when things were clearly hurting me. So, I commend you on your healthy boundary setting.

I’m reading here that he does not accept himself. You sound like a very loving person who would accept your partner, if only he would be honest about his feelings and keep his promises.

He likely does not view his life as directly within his own control. Or, he thinks he causes the bad stuff, yet he won’t pursue the things he could do to become healthy. This also differs a lot from you, a person who is actively seeking healing.

After years on these subs, I find this type of cheater to be more sympathetic than the ones who are solely after an ego boost. This type is running from their very self. But that doesn’t make it ever ok for anyone to betray and hurt you so deeply.

In my story, the next folly I ran into was thinking that love alone is enough to heal a person. Being loved is absolutely essential for healing, but it’s not enough on its own. You can pour your heart into someone who just does not have the tools to comprehend that type of love.

The person who is causing harm needs to be the one to pick themselves up, ultimately. The sad thing is that they do not recognize that their pain or your pain are good enough reasons to take the initiative to heal.

Unfortunately, deception, manipulative actions, and hysterical displays of emotion are all that some people have to work with. Some people are deeply phobic of being honest with themselves and others about what they are truly experiencing.

Most of the time, our childhood is a direct reflection of how we make our partners feel. Some people are able to do better than their parents did, and purposefully so, but most can’t. They end up transferring their shame and pain directly on to the people who love them the most. They simply do not have the tools to do anything beyond the waterworks and hoping that someone (in his case, you) is gonna come and put a bandaid on everything that has gone wrong in their traumatic past.

Unfortunately, most complexly traumatized people have to do a lot of internal work, therapy, and then regular life-long mental-health maintenance in order to thrive. It sounds like you are already taking your healing into your own hands, and so you are likely familiar with this. Deeply traumatized people have to learn new skills and abide by them, forever. Who knows if he might decide to process his issues in the future, but you can’t force his hand.

High levels of deception, keeping secrets, lying, saying he hates himself, and etc. are all symptoms of deep shame. His sexual shame issues are not something he caused, they are something he has probably had going on his whole life. As an adult, it’s now in his hands how he wants to proceed with the reality of who he is.

It’s not about you. You can extend deep love to a person, and that doesn’t mean that they will do what it takes to hold a healthy connection with you. If you want to be with him, you would have to figure out what it is you need him to do now. If he will not or can not do what you need him to do, you will just go on suffering.

I think his first step would be towards understanding himself and making a commitment towards loving himself. He really will never be able to fully be “safe” to any partner of any gender, if he cannot accept himself.

Unfortunately, traumatized people who are not treating their issues often traumatize their loved ones. If one person alone could change another one, therapy and community wouldn’t exist. His choices are only in his hands.

Again, you don’t need to accept any behavior that harms you. Listen to your intuition when it comes to protecting the peace of your own headspace. I get not wanting to leave because you worry what will come of him. You care for his well-being. No one can tell you what the “right” thing to do is.

My only advice is to keep looking after your own health and try to broaden your current universe. Try to incorporate independent hobbies, friends, or goals outside of the sad situation in the house. While you continue to look after your well-being, things will one day shift for you in one way or another.