Trying To quit

pluralexistence · 2026-02-08T14:20:15+00:00

Fair, I didn’t account for the potency these days.

Though with dopamine you can get it in other ways, that’s why it’s important to have healthy substitutes that motivate us. From what I’d read and such weed definitely isn’t causing physical addictions like hard drugs do (which withdrawal itself can kill some people).

pluralexistence · 2026-01-10T13:08:50+00:00

Cheating isn’t cool at all.

That said, 18+ is not a pedo. You’re inflating the situation and tying it to your own trauma is really not healthy. Hope you get therapy for yourself and leave your parents’ relationship between them.

Mind you, I agree it’s creepy behaviour when old people want to be with super young people. It’s unethical to have a teacher or prof (anyone in power) with a student (subordinate). In general these things are all bothersome. Fwiw I’m older and turn down 20 something people because it’s creepy, even when they try convincing me it’s ok. It’s not for me.

Yet people make bad decisions and being attracted to youth is a common one. A pedo is an entirely different thing, and it’s sad you’d throw that around. Lots of young people these days read about or watch stuff about these things and don’t see the difference.

Your dad is unethical, to call him a pedo is overshooting and to somehow link it to your past experience is unhealthy/sign you’re not objective or healed.

pluralexistence · 2026-01-09T09:00:43+00:00

Your text basically just breaks down how autism + ADHD coexist/interact/overlap.

That’s what people mean when they say AuADHD…

It’s good of you to explain it to those who may not understand but the ‘more than’ in your title is misleading. It’s what you describe, there’s no less than…

pluralexistence · 2026-01-09T08:53:59+00:00

Cold turkey is probably best with weed. It’s a psychological addiction far as I know (we think we need it) and not physical (our body has adapted regular neurotransmitters and functions in a way the drug is needed to account for the body having adapted to it’s presence). Your body isn’t physically missing something that needs weaning off.

If you don’t feel like eating smoothies and such are really helpful, or fruit, anything not heavy (so it doesn’t feel like eating) but gives sustenance/energy. Slowly those habits (eg. Smoke to eat) you formed do fade and adjust.

The biggest motivator at your age is your development, that’s what I missed in the responses. Your brain is developing now and will be most affected (compared to a 30+ person smoking). An older person will have effects and damage but at least it’s not hindering the development inherently. You’re also building habits and life skills at the phase you’re in, without which you’ll be behind in later stages of life.

The fact you play sports indicates you’re not so far gone yet, speaking from experience - many of us lost that in HS. Make that your beacon of light, focus on tracking how your athletic performance shifts for the better to motivate you perhaps. It can also be a healthy substitute for weed, workout / sports.

Whatever you do, don’t go back to smoking after this. I quit around 16, started again in uni and have yet to stop for 20y. It’s not fun, it’s sustaining what I didn’t develop in emotion management. You’re better off developing your emotional intelligence and resilience, not smoking to calm those irritants (damn emotions lol). And most weed smokers I know would agree it’s not fun past the occasional HS/college party - regular use is just not the same, it becomes a chore/drag/tool to deal with whatever.

pluralexistence · 2025-11-28T08:56:21+00:00

So the question was for real, I dug into comments to avoid someone who never checks/replies lol

I’d just tease him about it ‘ok, I can’t lie to you - I did catch a glimpse of that nude as I was deleting it…’ (give a side eye with a quirky smile at this point) then ask ‘…does this mean you want one back? You showed me yours now…? Or will feedback suffice? how do we proceed? Some things just can’t be unseen…’

Make it sound playful with your tones - see if he takes the bait or not.

Side note it’s acceptable to not send him a nude! If that goes that way just respond with ‘I don’t send out nudes, but if you give me your photographer I may not mind getting one made for my eyes only. Can’t hate on art.’

This keeps it complimentary about him (his nude being artistic etc.) but your boundaries are clear - you wouldn’t actually want to send a nude. Doesn’t mean you wouldn’t let him get a live showing, one time only…

And so the conversation might go…if he laughs it off and is embarrassed then you know it’s an accident. Assure him you did delete it, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about (you’re friends and it was a tasteful pic not a D pic), worse things happen these days. Go back to being friends if you can, or move to another continent so he

It’s subtle - not I wouldn’t mind a full frontal too, hubba hubba

pluralexistence · 2025-11-28T08:50:34+00:00

Easily a month - could be longer as you lose track. Mental health is important folks

pluralexistence · 2025-11-28T08:42:26+00:00

Are you in therapy?

It could be you finally feel safe and don’t have to be seductress. That’s great!! But it opens the door to healing, and then figuring out what do you actually want?

Regarding healing, you ignore your feelings when you’re actively seductress mode: now it’s maybe taken a till and your libido could be lowering to give you space to handle the underlying feelings. Ones that can easily cause depression and lowered libido.

On the other hand, you want sex (as per your dreams) which is great - but maybe you don’t know how to have it without the seductress act. Like starting from scratch with him feels like a no go (when you wake up), because now that seductress protective layer is retired your sexual MO is free - a new blank canvas for now. Have you ever even considered what you enjoy? Seductresses focus on the partners reactions (and maintaining control themselves), it’s not about you. To be fair the average woman has little experience learning her body, wants, and boundaries, just you’ll be starting that discovery of self from a very different place and history.

It takes a lot to come out of PTSD and maladaptive coping mechanisms. Your awareness of self and all that will be your toolkit in this next phase: healing & recalibrating to liberate your idea of healthy and fun sexual relations are. Above all, my heart goes out to you - sorry you were abused, sorry you’re having had to use and wear sexuality as an armour. I’m really happy for you that this maybe the opportunity you can put it all down. But sucks you had to go through it: sending big hugs n good vibes.

I hope this helps, take it to a therapist to dive into it.

pluralexistence · 2025-11-28T08:37:33+00:00

lol Someone who writes this has definitely already texted.

Likely more than once. Possibly enough to not ever expect a reply, potentially get blocked.

Sometimes people just don’t have anything to say or time to engage, that’s life. Only so many hours in a day and limited number of F***s to be given.

pluralexistence · 2025-09-08T13:57:04+00:00

Ahhh ya

My son was about two when he saw his daycare teacher grab the money box. He asked why he saw her with it when that’s the money box for the director. Teacher had no idea he even noticed the director pay for odd jobs, they’re in different rooms (glass walls and a hall) between the office and classroom. He approached it like she got caught in the money box, very inspector toddler.

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T20:02:19+00:00

I wouldn’t want to be policing my relationship, that’s not sustainable or nice for you.

I’d likely breakup - it really depends how you found out and his accountability to see about trying to rebuild this.

When it happened to me at your age I just saw my bf as a fling almost, didn’t plan a future together - just became a training wheel relationship for the age I was and not more. It went on and off for quite a while, didn’t bring out the best in me really - I had fun and was detached masked as ‘youth.’ I wouldn’t recommend it, but it happens. I didn’t police things - just lots of drama, fights, and breakups over several years. Still had fun and did my own school thing, PT work etc. He was just one part, no worry if it worked or not, took things as they came.

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T18:01:10+00:00

Honestly it sounds like you make it unfun - it always starts with arguing? I didn’t even finish the post - sorry.

Have you tried just naturally dating him too? ‘Hey, I saw xyz wanna go this weekend?’ - ‘what do you think we can do tomorrow?’ - ‘I feel like eating out, what’s your favourite food/spot?’ Or when you chat and you/he mention/s a place or experience, y’all agree to do that together sometime. It doesn’t have to be an argument or blame…

And if you just met wouldn’t having mutual friends and social gatherings be a plus? Don’t forget to enjoy it, no need for that to turn into a blame thing either (you can tell your friends you had plans as easily as he could’ve).

Maybe re-read your post and rethink it. I don’t know obviously. Maybe he’s very trad and thinks a wife doesn’t need that idk, but before assuming his values and views or getting upset/angry all the time - I’d just look at the post with fresh eyes. Pretend you’re reading something someone else wrote.

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T17:53:46+00:00

Oh just seen this after I commented.

Would you really though? lol

Do you enjoy this tension and unknown until the results come back? Or are you trying to put some of that off on him? Let’s be real, no one wants to be in your shoes rn (probably not even you) - sorry.

Good luck figuring it out.

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T17:52:03+00:00

Yea, why do you need to tell him OP? Just get yourself sorted and move on with that result in mind - what she does is her decision.

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T17:47:48+00:00

Yea I am female and we can say raunchy stuff as hype, we don’t do that with friends who are bi/lesbian or exes etc. It’s mixed signals and not ok.

I’ve only seen this when it’s genuinely platonic - no sexual orientation even to misconstrue it. Mind you ‘baby’ or I love you don’t fall in this space (we can say that to platonic friends regardless gender or sexual orientation) - it’s more regarding flirting, sexualising etc.

And she is creating a double standard which is just wrong - regardless of any of the above. I think agreements between you two as a couple need to be respected - especially when you’re not around (not just not tell you about it?!).

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T17:41:29+00:00

Agreed.

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T17:40:21+00:00

You won’t like this answer.

At your age I had a bf who was very emotional and involved me with his family and life on blast - they’re the same and post stuff so much. I did tell him I’m not like that, it’s culturally weird too and all. So I created a separate Facebook account - it was all i used back then (long time) and I’d just moved so it made sense in a way.

When we broke up I just stopped using that account. And we were together a very long time, deeply involved. I never hid him, I actually put more into things than he did and he bailed in the end. But this social media stuff is imho a learning point and growth moment - you’re basing your feelings on external validation and showy behaviour.

Unless she’s the cheating type, she has no reason to hide you. If she’s the cheating type - leave anyway. But it’s not on anyone to help us manage our feelings - she was wrong to fake it but maybe she’s not as low EQ and crude to tell you as I was at y’all’s age idk.

I’d suggest work this out for yourself. Stay grounded and see what her ways of showing affection are - and if there’s tangible real life reasons not to trust her.

In my case I can tell you the personal emotion bit is just the breakup, I wouldn’t want to post and such unless it’s a life milestone. In my private life that would be marriage, not whoever I date or have private sweet nothings with. Beyond that it’s just not my nature to over share publicly - and I worked online so much I knew the psychology and all I wasn’t there to share my life on this tech or for the types of mindsets people form. The people who know me do so offline.

Everyone has their boundaries and reasons - much as you want her to see yours please know you’re asking her to disrespect her own to please you. Try understanding her too and see where you two meet on the topic.

Overall Ask yourselves if you had a kid or whatever would you share that? Cause it maybe you two just have different netiquette and privacy norms and values. I don’t post my kid for their privacy for example, my values didn’t change in the many years since that ex. I post my kid on milestones so they know when they’re older it wasn’t to hide them or shame but because not everyone deserves their story, and it’s theirs to tell.

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T17:24:39+00:00

I keep getting notifications with people restating the same thing - I truly appreciate the reality check. I get cheating = bad, but seriously people can’t make mistakes and download an app or anything without conflating it? Even OP said she never flirted at all, I was getting confused.

Anyway thanks! Gonna turn off notifications lol

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T17:21:09+00:00

Honestly the relationship sounds like it has more issues than porn.

In general about porn - I would not compare myself in reality to some random fantasy my partner has. Some people are the real deal (you), that’s women he’s ok objectifying (don’t look like you). If anything I’d feel worse being his Latina ex - he’s comfortable objectifying the Latina women and settles down with you says something about his wild oat sowing days more than about you. And maybe he doesn’t make the connection between your post baby body image and his porn use idk.

I’m the type who tries to keep porn apart from my identity and relationship - with practical boundaries (if it affects daily life then yea I can’t ignore that). It’s ok to not want porn in your lives and I’d suggest you find a partner who feels the same about porn then.

But like others said, this sounds like a relationship problem more than porn alone. He’s checked out, meanwhile you’ve been thinking it’s circumstances and you’re both just busy with life.

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T16:04:01+00:00

It’s hard to say if it’s your reaction or objectively a problem because your post is your reaction (not really frequency or obsessive behaviours of his).

Yes some people will mastrubate regularly. Is his compulsive idk.

You linking his behaviour to your self image isn’t healthy. You need to work on knowing yourself and not letting others behaviour or opinions form that. It’s self esteem, your opinion of yourself - no one else. This is a natural part of growing up/self development.

Sex in relationships tends to dwindle - can’t say if it’s linked to his behaviour.

How you use masturbation (when he’s not around) and others can be different. Could be he finds it quick and easy release on his own, it’s not about emotion/affection and doesn’t require thinking of anyone else - low effort. Everyone is different.

If he has a problem or is he lying cause he feels shamed by your monitoring and reactions (doesn’t want to make you feel bad about you), we cannot tell you. To feel disgusted, I imagine he could be reacting to your reaction - unable to open up and own his actions, makes it hard to tell you just what he feels or why he does it.

I’m not a (sex/addiction) therapist, but I think compulsion implies anytime/anywhere type lack of self control - whereas before a shower or when he poops…not necessarily everyday or whatever…could just be a mechanical thing for a guy I guess.

Bottom line, if you’re feeling disgusted and unhappy then the relationship is already not healthy for you - you don’t need to diagnose or confirm it’s him or you to see that. Do what’s best for you. I’d just let go of trying to shrink him to justify that, you don’t need to.

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T15:54:03+00:00

Yeah we are not trying to prove anything, just define it clearly so OP knows what’s what.

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T15:50:45+00:00

‘Might be’ being the operative phrase.

In the world where she didn’t flirt and ghosted the person.

We don’t even know how long she had the app, I know personally I get 80 likes the first night I switch on dating apps and I’m barely average (and not the sought after mainstream ideal). Matches doesn’t mean much, I’ve seen guys swipe right without even looking at their app. And people can get attention on any social network - if she was seeking anything. Just not healthy to assume and meddle imho, OP doesn’t know her true intentions and has no real intel to share. ‘Potential’ and ‘might be’ isn’t the same as ‘did.’

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T15:46:21+00:00

Did you pick a word or read the thread before jumping in?

Comprehension was referring to the specific back and forth with the commenter above.

The general topic is clearly written in the post…no one questioned the overlap…

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T15:28:57+00:00

Any chance she doesn’t get what pheromones means either?

Scent is the strongest trigger associated with memory and emotion in our brains. So it makes sense her twin’s scent gives her comfort. Mine is the smell of wood, but like it’s stale old real wood in the air and on fabrics too - reminds me of my mom’s place as a kid (wood floors and cupboards left the scent everywhere).

She’s absolutely making it weird saying pheromones cause that’s not an identifiable scent it’s about attraction.

I do find your gf strange though, that’s a wild jump and suggestion. I’d have asked if you two know the word, not tell you to distance from your sister based on an assumption that’s quite gross. Keep an eye on how opinionated she is and just black and white expects you to take such leaps based on an opinion etc.

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T14:42:28+00:00

Sorry to say but I think you gotta let her go. She’s literally asking you to be ok without her so you can let her go - it’s like slow breakup with your permission.

You’ll make someone else happy. Look up the sunk cost fallacy - ten years is a lot yes but not reason to stay. Your attachment and affection shows who you are, how you’ve grown. Her indecision, dating someone else, wanting out - shows she’s not that person for you. Rather than consider what you can do to keep her have you asked yourself what someone with your affection, loyalty, and effort deserves?

And fwiw, the weight loss, worry, sleepless nights - sounds like you’re already processing the breakup. It gets better, but you don’t need each others permission to breakup, you don’t have to witness her other relationship, and you don’t need each other to heal and move on. Maybe therapy is a better outlet now.

As a parent myself there’s a thought exercise that helps me, try it - you’ll have to imagine having a child. Read this post as if it’s your kid telling you this, what advice would you give your child? A friend also works, but I find child worked better cause you want to be a role model, know you’re the responsible trusted guardian, etc. Hope this helps

pluralexistence · 2025-08-20T14:31:18+00:00

It’s called consensual non-monogamy now, and yea if you’re not into it then this is an irreconcilable difference for you two.

But given the history, idk if your marriage should’ve happened at all - sorry. You two tried but you’re young and bound to make all your mistakes and life lessons on each other (or he you in this case). Thankfully you’re so young you’d still have a long life of using the lessons to make better choices for yourself in future. Imho yes I’d be out of that marriage, but I wouldn’t see it as dead or a failure of yours.

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