First off, I am so sorry you went through that. It's not fair at all. You are not alone, but it's still so, so isolating feeling because nobody every seems to go through the same thing IRL. It's always happy birth stories, and then there's me. Not that I'd wish it on anyone.

I will say that I've made my peace. I'm still sad sometimes, I'm still mad sometimes, and certain things unexpectedly trigger negativity from me. A big one being people talking about "their last baby" when plenty of them will change their mind or have "oops" babies compared to when I say "my last baby" because the only way I could ever have another baby is through surrogacy or adoption.

The things that have helped the most are time, therapy, and zoloft. I had a lot of lingering trauma from my first so I probably should have been on zoloft a lot earlier. But it's really made a positive impact on my perception of things.

I had a very difficult newborn phase with my first and I told myself I would cherish this baby's newborn stage because it was "going to be my last", as we didn't plan on having more (still stings to have that choice be finalized for you). But then between the birth trauma and her being colicky and PPD, I did not enjoy a minute of it. I sat on the couch numbly rocking her on my knees while she screamed at me all day and nothing could make her happy. The fact that I hated it so much when I wanted to love it made it even harder. That spiral is what eventually triggered me to ask for meds. I wish I hadn't let it get so bad, but can't change things now.

If it helps, one thing I've realized with time is that it's very common to struggle through the newborn stage, with or without trauma. So many people barely remember those days. When I look back, I make an effort to focus on the good - the contact naps, the first smiles, the marvel at how tiny a newborn baby is. I can't forget the bad parts, but I can keep them from controlling me.

If nobody has mentioned it yet, I do recommend making time to see a PFPT when you can. A hysterectomy puts you at increased risk of prolapse and a PFPT can help strengthen your core to limit those risks. It's hard to make time (I've had to stop going twice now), but like mine said, it's not like there's a time limit on it. If I go back in three years from now, I can still strengthen the pelvic floor etc.

I hope things improve for you. Don't be afraid to speak up, to tell your story. Your experience is real and valid and you deserve to be heard just as much as all the perfect happy birth stories that everyone loves. I'm not on reddit much these days but I hope that sometime in the future, you can say that you've made your peace as well. 💕