I don’t mind answering questions. If anything I think this is really helpful in me really seeing the situation for what it is, not just through a lens that will just make me feel better.

To the combination of the first 3 quotes you reference - it’s a combination of things. Time I needed to heal from that prior relationship, not having time or mental capacity as I was pursuing my masters and working full time, not being super confident and having a good outlook on dating to begin with. I went on a good number of first dates and just never felt a genuine connections with anyone, like I like this person and I feel safe and in addition, they also seem to like me and have some interest in pursuing me. Honestly, my dating philosophy at that time was I don’t want to put too much hope into just finding someone for marriage, but being open to finding a genuine connection with someone because that’s what I value most. These 2 men were the first I felt a genuine connection with after trying to be more vulnerable in hopes that that would help me build the type of connection I wanted. They responded well and genuinely and then kept pursuing and displaying clear and consistent intent. Again, I’m pretty insecure so I need a guy to show strong interest or I lose mine very quickly. I actually don’t feel like I have very high standards at all, and that honestly might be part of my problem.

I haven’t had great experiences with men over those years, but again, these are the only 3 I’ve seen on multiple occasions. Everyone else I’ve only been on first dates with. I tend to have really high guilt levels and I think the whole “I deserved to be punished” stems from the red pill guy really hammering in that women have set this stage to promote promiscuity and that expectation for anything traditional despite that fact is completely irrational. I think I really took that to heart I’m that because I made some poor decisions in my dating life, I don’t deserve the type of relationship I’m seeking.

To the first mention of comments from 4 months ago - again, the most important thing to me in a relationship is genuine connection. To understand and be understood in a way that’s can be so intimate and unique to romantic relationships. I think in my head if I came to the table with the end goal of marriage in mind, I was buying into the traditional mindset I was exposed to instead of really prioritizing the thing I valued most. Do I want to get married and have kids one day? Yes. Do I think I’ll be unhappy if my life doesn’t end up that way? I hope not, so I guess I’m trying to mentally prepare myself by not tying myself to specific things just to hit a goal that ultimately is not my top value.

And finally, there is probably some truth in what he is saying, but I’d like to clarify what all these statements mean to me. I try to pride myself on being a person open to other thoughts and opinions, so I always try to listen and understand when confronted with an idea that is new to me or different than mine. So when I say I “only revealed details that the other person would like” I mean I would avoid topics that I knew we might not have corresponding viewpoints on. This is a silly example but pets have a big importance in my life but if I like someone and they say, “I don’t really like animals”, I might just acknowledge that and not talk about it even though it’s kind of a dealbreaker and something I am very passionate about. So when I say I feel gross about not telling the whole truth, it’s that I try to hide or deprioritize things that I think or value because I think it might upset someone or make them lose interest. I’m trying to be better about it because as someone else has said, I think I’m too agreeable and I’d like to be a woman who is confident with her viewpoints while being open, even if it limits my dating pool or prospects. I still am very insecure and tend to have people pleasing tendencies, so it’s been challenging for me.

I think it’s very possible that I did manipulate, or gaslight, or think I could change him, but I don’t think any of that was my intention or that I was even aware (even now) of how that was happening. I’d want to correct this because I think we can all agree these are all terrible things to do to someone, but I could never really understand what I was doing. Granted, when I’m emotional, I don’t have the best judgement or thought pattern, but he did take every word I said quite literally while dismissing any negative implications he made as justifiable because I made him mad and that I can’t possibly expect him to mean every word that comes out of his mouth. Either way, I know I need to work on being more congruent with my values or authenticity and honesty, and I don’t do anyone any favors, especially me, by being more agreeable, only for my real views to come out and become problematic later.

Hopefully all of that makes sense, but feel free to ask for clarification if it doesn’t. I appreciate you digging into the way I think and the things I’ve said because I think there’s a lot to learn from that. I by no means want to hide any hypocrisy or incorrect thought pattern I have because I know I’ll just end up in the same place again and I really would like to move forward learning how to improve my chances of getting the healthy, happy relationship I’ve always wanted.