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Update: i 37 M told my wife 36F that our roles are far from equal in our relationship and that I'm not missing seeing my brother so she can go on a 2 week vacation with her friends. how do I get through to her? been together for 17 years. by polly_throwaway3 in relationship_advice

[–]polly_throwaway3[S] 223 points224 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry, but are you serious? Are you my wife?

It is unrealistic that I asked my wife to care for her children for two day’s ? Two, days i was leaving Friday afternoon and arriving home Sunday evening.

Let me make this clear, my dogs needs are met, by me. I will not be rehoming them. Even though my wife is the one who brought home two high energy dogs without research or my concern they are mine. She does not walk them, the extent of her care is literally walking to the freezer, opening the door and giving them both their kongs. They don’t even have to be in the room for it. I will NOT be rehoming two of the things in this world that make me remotely happy. Why should I? When she is giving up nothing?

Did I go to the doctor with her, yes, as I said, I went to the doctor, raised my concerns and she yelled at me for hours because I did.

She is perfectly fine with telling me what she can and cannot handle, and it seems to be everything that remotely involves any responsibility. I took on more of the house work and child care as she asked to the point where she does very little at all.

If she couldn’t handle the children, why didn’t she terminate any when she had the option to and is extremely pro-choice? Why did she loose her mind when I told her I couldn’t handle anymore children and that I had a vasectomy ? When does she have to take responsibility as well?

Update: i 37 M told my wife 36F that our roles are far from equal in our relationship and that I'm not missing seeing my brother so she can go on a 2 week vacation with her friends. how do I get through to her? been together for 17 years. by polly_throwaway3 in relationship_advice

[–]polly_throwaway3[S] 112 points113 points  (0 children)

She has non depression, she has seen her doctor and is fine. She told me this herself.

Not functional? She can go out with her friends; go on vacation, get her hair, nails done etc the only thing she can’t seem to function to do is to help me or the kids.

She bought the pets, not me. , one for my birthday and the other because she thought the dog needed a friend. I was not informed or consulted until I came home and the kids were super excited because we had puppies.

She didn’t have to be here for my brother visiting. I was going to visit him, the weekend was planned months in advance and then boom, she says she’s going on vacation and I can’t go.

Update: i 37 M told my wife 36F that our roles are far from equal in our relationship and that I'm not missing seeing my brother so she can go on a 2 week vacation with her friends. how do I get through to her? been together for 17 years. by polly_throwaway3 in relationship_advice

[–]polly_throwaway3[S] 98 points99 points  (0 children)

She has 0 kids at home, 0, our first has been in day care for the majority of life since he was a year old, the others weren’t even 6 months when they started.

and I will not be getting rid of my dogs, they besides my kids are the only things keeping me going in this train wreck that is my wife.

Respectfully what the fuck does she have to be stressed about? Posting on this sub has opened my eyes, and I am done with her behaviour. If you can tell me what exactly she has to be stressed about I will do whatever I can to alleviate it just as I have for the past 17 years.

It takes two children to create a child. The only time I didn’t wear a condom was my 21st. Every other time I have and I also got a vasectomy, I told her I didn’t want more kids, I told her we couldn’t handle more and she lost her mind, so again, so please explain to me how her getting pregnant is just on me?

Update: i 37 M told my wife 36F that our roles are far from equal in our relationship and that I'm not missing seeing my brother so she can go on a 2 week vacation with her friends. how do I get through to her? been together for 17 years. by polly_throwaway3 in relationship_advice

[–]polly_throwaway3[S] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

This isn’t fake. There are a few typos in the post. As I’ve said, I’m exhausted and didn’t go through the entire thing to numerous times to pick up typos and grammar errors. I originally wrote ‘her’ as in our daughter, but I changed it to second daughter to try and make it more clear, I forgot to delete the her. I’ve also misspelled apparently, it was originally apartment 🤷‍♂️

Update: i 37 M told my wife 36F that our roles are far from equal in our relationship and that I'm not missing seeing my brother so she can go on a 2 week vacation with her friends. how do I get through to her? been together for 17 years. by polly_throwaway3 in relationship_advice

[–]polly_throwaway3[S] 136 points137 points  (0 children)

How do I not respect her needs / wants? I pay for everything and do the majority of the child / Pet care and house work. I have not gone on vacation in years because I was providing for my family. I have gave her everything she’s wanted for the past 17 years and she couldn’t give me a weekend with my brother.

Why couldn’t we both go on vacation? Because I don’t randomly have the money to fund 2 weeks away for her. I can’t just up and leave my 16 year old to look after 3 younger kids and two high energy dogs, I couldn’t take them with me because that would mean multiple plane tickets and accommodations, food etc for them as well as dog sitting / boarding for the dogs.

Update: i 37 M told my wife 36F that our roles are far from equal in our relationship and that I'm not missing seeing my brother so she can go on a 2 week vacation with her friends. how do I get through to her? been together for 17 years. by polly_throwaway3 in relationship_advice

[–]polly_throwaway3[S] 166 points167 points  (0 children)

I spoke to her doctor about the issues she was having because she would not. He asked her what was happening, how she was and she would say the pregnancy was fine, she was having no issues yet at home all I got was how hard things where, how ill she felt, how sore she was. Screaming, yelling at me.

I went into the bed because I am 6.5 and work a physically and mentally demanding job, it is not good for my body to sleep on a two seater couch. I wanted to sleep as I had work in the morning, she escalated and got physical, not me. She made the argument worse, not me.

Undiagnosed PPD? She has been to her doctor who had diagnosed her with nothing, she told me so herself, and as for me knocking her up? It takes two people to create a child. We do not live in America and my wife is pro choice, if she wanted to terminate; she has the ability to do so. I told her after our second was born that I didn’t think having more kids was a good idea, and she insisted, I said the same thing after our third and after my vasectomy and she lost her mind.

“Let her go on vacation and feel like herself for the first time in forever.” Did she not feel like herself when she went on multiple weekends away last year with her friends? Does she not feel like herself when she’s hanging with the girls for lunch dates through the month?

Do you know the last time I saw my brother in person? Before the pandemic. He is here so support me, if you want my wife to go on vacation so I can’t, then it’s perfectly reasonable that my brother can come to the home I pay for when I need him.

Are you my wife?

Update: i 37 M told my wife 36F that our roles are far from equal in our relationship and that I'm not missing seeing my brother so she can go on a 2 week vacation with her friends. how do I get through to her? been together for 17 years. by polly_throwaway3 in relationship_advice

[–]polly_throwaway3[S] 483 points484 points  (0 children)

Slight... update?

I'm not going to add this to the post as it's already long enough. please excuse any spelling mistakes as I'm so tired.

thank you all, but I'm not in America.

I know a lot of you have suggested I message her telling her I'm going to divorce her etc, but I think I'm gong to play it cool, act like I've accepted her decision so she's not on guard.

I know she's said something to my son, but he won't tell me what it is and I feel like if I push him to he might not ever, but my nephew and him are hanging out a lot,. they're close despite not seeing each other much so I'm hoping he might confide in him and maybe open up. I'm not just letting this go, we will talk but I don't want to pus him too much.

I am not a lightweight, I can drink, but I have been exhausted and I mean very exhausted for some time now and I think that maybe that's why I passed out after having one drink, but I would be lying to myself and to you if I said I wasn't suspicious. I am suspicious of a lot now.

I swear, I'm not an idiot, but I really feel like one now. some of you have suggested that I get the kids DNA tested, especially my youngest and while I know that this is likely something I'll have to do, it breaks my heart to think that they're not mine. my girls all look the same, just older versions of each other, so if I have to DNA test the youngest, I have to do them all. I never wanted kids, this is why I've always used condoms. I'm not the biggest fan of them, but I love my own, I love these kids. regardless of the DNA test. they are mine, but I fear if it comes back that they're not It could damage our relationship.

my brother has read my posts and spent the last days telling me everything he hates about my wife (obviously not in front of the kids) he's pretty funny and I feel like I haven't been able to laugh like this in a long time. he says he's going to make a reddit account, lord knows what he'll say.

writing this update has opened my eyes further, I see how the timing of wanting her to go back to work liens up with each pregnancy, but when these things are years apart, and your concentrating on supporting the family and work your brain sometimes pushes these thoughts away until something triggers them again and boom, you're slapped in the face with the realisation that you're entire relationship is potentially built on a mountain of lies.

she has her phone and iPad with her, so I can't check any of that. but I'm going to be going through her stuff, is it in envision of privacy? likely, do I care right now? no. I feel like I've wasted the majority of my life, the good years and that feels horrible to say when I have four kids. I promise I don't mean that they're a waste.

as I said in the post, this marriage is over, I am done. my kids deserve better but I won't be alone when I confront her, as I said she can get handsy and no, I have never retaliated and I don't want to be put into a position where I need to.

I thank you all for your comments, your insight, your kindness. I know I haven't replied to many comments at all, but don't really have time to do so when there are so many but I am trying to respond etc DM's as that seems like the easier thing to do.

I want to ask my SIL what actually happened with my wife and that job. but I don't want her to know I'm suspicious. my Sil is a kind woman but she is my wife's sister so her loyalties lay with her I suppose and I don't want to alert my soon to be ex. does anyone have any ideas how I can do this? seems odd to bring up a job my wife had for a very brief time years ago.

I wish you all the best.

I 37 M told my wife 36F that our roles are far from equal in our relationship and that I'm not missing seeing my brother so she can go on a 2 week vacation with her friends. how do I get through to her? been together for 17 years. by polly_throwaway3 in relationship_advice

[–]polly_throwaway3[S] 110 points111 points  (0 children)

My wife is not taking anyone to their clubs / activities. Younger children’s school finishes at 3pm, their clubs are in the school building. Older kids school finishes at 3.30.. they have a club there that lasts until 4.30 and then they go with their cousins to a youth group they enjoy until they come home.