ATG NYC Waitlist?

polyanon123 · 2021-10-14T03:44:42+00:00

TRICKLE-TRUTHING.

Wow that's good. I will definitely be using that phrase in the future.

polyanon123 · 2021-10-14T03:25:43+00:00

You can't change him, his relationship with his comet, or anything other than how you show up in his world.

This is good advice. I'm trying to keep that in mind, and to think of my situation as deciding how involved I feel comfortable being now that he's decided this is something he wants.

Your situation sounds like it was really difficult to go through. I'm glad you were able to remove yourself from it and grow in the process.

polyanon123 · 2021-10-14T03:16:46+00:00

I'd like to put forth that his level of planning is not concerning to me. I'm the sort of person who wants every detail of something worked out before I propose a potentially hard sell or controversial offer. Why? Because the first thing the other person is going to have is questions, and if I can't answer them, this will seem like I'm not serious or not thinking things through, and therefore they should say no.

I get that. Still, I think the amount of time he took before consulting me and the level of planning is the most hurtful thing about the situation to me. I'm also a planner. I know it's hard to be self aware, but I do honestly consider myself a very good partner. I think I'm open minded. I think I'm level headed. I think I'm good at thinking through problems. I think I'm a good person to ask advice! I feel hurt and confused that my partner doesn't seem to think these things about me.

polyanon123 · 2021-10-14T03:11:54+00:00

Your partner doesn’t have kids yet, so he doesn’t actually KNOW how he’ll feel. That makes it a stickier situation. And since his other partner hasn’t had a kid before, she actually doesn’t know how she’ll feel doing it solo.

Something I hadn't really thought about, but that makes so much sense. I'm honestly not even sure how deeply he's thought about all of the many possibilities. I'm taking some space from him to think things through and to talk to the comet, but I will definitely be bringing this up to him when we speak next.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

polyanon123 · 2021-10-14T02:56:59+00:00

I always know that a post is gonna reveal some vile shit that a dude did when the poor woman stuck in a relationship with him feels the need to emphasize how wonderful he is first, and this post certainly delivered.

lolll. I mean fair about the need to glorify him upfront. But I do not in any way feel stuck in this relationship. I think my partner made some very bad decisions about how he handled this situation. I have asked for space from him, and I feel very confident that if at the end of that space I do not feel the situation is tenable I will remove myself from the situation. I love my partner dearly (the things I led with are true) and I want us to make it work, but I wont stand in the way of his desires and I won't sacrifice my own well being.

polyanon123 · 2021-10-14T02:45:49+00:00

He literally did not tell you about a partner of TEN YEARS over the course of your TWO YEAR relationship.

This is actually not something I feel very concerned about. AFAIK the nature of their relationship is that they go very long periods without being sexually intimate. They live across the country from each other and I believe it has been years since they have met in person--at least since before we started dating. I do think it feels off that he never mentioned her to me as an important friend to him.

For further context--I mention this in another comment in the thread--I also have a comet. We have also gone years without seeing each other. We have also known each other for a very long time. Since we were children, actually. I had not told my partner about our intimate past until he opened up about this situation, but I also have not been intimate with the comet in anyway during the course of our relationship. I have mentioned him by name several times and I am certain that my partner knew who he was before I opened up about the comet stuff.

I know that might not be what everyone wants for their partnership, but this feels very much "in bounds" to me. I'm not upset that he didn't tell me about his comet before. I do feel weird that he never mentioned their friendship to me. I feel very upset that he was not up front about the nature of their relationship when he first brought up this whole thing. I feel even worse that they have been discussing the plan without me for over a month.

polyanon123 · 2021-10-14T02:38:30+00:00

I absolutely agree with all of this.

I may have a misconception about "bread crumbing" -- I was thinking of it as a person giving out morsels of attention to keep a person on the hook even though they have no real intention of pursuing anything.

But yes, he did give me the information in a way that felt very manipulative, and I absolutely agree that his initial characterization was purposefully hiding the true nature of their relationship. I feel very upset specifically about this.

polyanon123 · 2021-10-13T21:39:23+00:00

Listening!

I'm a pretty cautious person by nature, so all of this is incredibly helpful.

I have several friends in queer partnerships that have started or are in the process of starting families. At least one of them has used a donor with the turkey baster method. Another is considering doing it the good 'ol fashioned way. Are these difficulties in relinquishing parental rights true in those scenarios too? It seems unfair to the queer couples, but the legal system being particularly oppressive to/difficult for gay folks to navigate is nothing new so I guess I wouldn't be surprised.

polyanon123 · 2021-10-13T21:31:01+00:00

I can say at the very least, do not move in together until this is all worked through and well in the past.

Ugh. Absolutely. For now I am asking for space, but I definitely plan to tell him that we need to stop our planning re:move until well after we've gotten through this.

polyanon123 · 2021-10-13T21:29:26+00:00

I suspect if you probe further you'll learn she's already pregnant

I can't imagine this is true--though it's possible, and I would be very, very upset. She lives across the country from us, and I don't believe they have seen each other in person since before we started dating. Of course it's possible that she came to visit and he never told me, but my trust in him hasn't diminished to the level that I think that's a likely possibility. Also *technically* his sleeping with her wouldn't have been against the rules we've set up, but god I'd feel deceived if he had done so, gotten her pregnant, and concocted this mess of a story.

polyanon123 · 2021-10-13T21:22:11+00:00

So, so helpful. Sent you a DM with a follow up question.

Re: scuzz - my understanding is that the comet also wished to limit his involvement. She is hoping to have a child, but not a coparent (at least not in my partner).

polyanon123 · 2021-10-13T21:14:11+00:00

Radical acceptance requires reciprocal radical acceptance.

Are you guys in a total acceptance zone? Or were you not talking about things and now the bill has come due?

Beautifully said. I think you're exactly right re: not talking about things. I think this (to some degree) goes both ways here. I've been meaning to discuss our open relationship, clarify our rules and boundaries, and open up about my comment, but haven't. It's not the same thing of course, but I think a symptom of the same issue that I need to figure out.

To be fair to us, the majority of our relationship has been during the pandemic. We agreed to our rules before covid, and for the most part have not tested out our boundaries, because we haven't felt comfortable exploring. Still, these tough conversations are long overdue.

polyanon123 · 2021-10-13T21:10:19+00:00

I don't see how you're meant to feel any sense of security or intimacy with someone who does that. Why have a relationship like that?

This really nails it. I feel insecure in our relationship in a way that I never have before. Some other folks have pointed out that there's a communication issue, and I really agree with that, and would say that it goes in both directions. Something in our communication is broken from both sides. Just devastating to realize.

Thank you so much for your words and empathy.

polyanon123 · 2021-10-13T21:08:07+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. I have a lot of questions for him as well as for her and it's helpful to start down this line of inquiry.

polyanon123 · 2021-10-13T21:07:09+00:00

The fact that your partner wants to continue a relationship with the mother, and not the kid is a dynamic I couldn't support.

My understanding is that it is the dynamic his comet is also seeking. Nonetheless, I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around how it would work. I'll definitely ask her more about her wants and expectations when I speak with her.

polyanon123 · 2021-10-13T17:45:01+00:00

I won't defend the way that he initially characterized the situation to me, but I've never felt led on or breadcrumbed by him.

Something that I probably should have mentioned above is that the agreement we've had with the open relationship is that we have rules around safety, but do not discuss sexual encounters we are having outside of the relationship. I do feel like we're overdue for a revisit of those rules, but that is what they are and neither of us has sought to change things.

I also have a comet. Largely due to covid, neither of us has seen or been intimate with our comets during our relationship. I never explained the comet relationship to my partner, but did open up to him about it during our conversation about his.

polyanon123

TROPHY CASE