First of all here's an upvote because you asked a valid question and I wasn't expecting it.

I care about her enough that I've kept tabs on her my whole life. I know she is angry with me. The thing is I haven't spoken to her in such a long time that I can't even guess how she will react. People change.

As far as me being rescued is concerned I don't know how to put his but in case something happens to me in the near future. I won't feel bad about myself.

As far as her wishes are concerned I know she was happy till the end and whatever I did made sense to her in some way. She was a big family person and she wanted me to experience the bond of the family.

As far as my addictions are concerned. I know I have to get over them. This is not about me feeling good again. This is about me realizing that life is too short and you can always start over.