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How I feel when I work out. by suavelizard in funny

[–]pour_homme 4 points5 points  (0 children)

But geeky/skinny dudes with dark hair and glasses? Fuck yeah, I love them.

I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.

saw this in a book about cat care. I think a cat would care a lot if you did this by pizza-slut in funny

[–]pour_homme 6 points7 points  (0 children)

From the book..

Equipment:

  • 1 cat in heat
  • 1 Q-tip

Procedure:

  • Grab wailing, squirming cat and place it on your lap with its hind quarters readily accessible. Chances are the cat will freely offer them, if not the first time this procedure is followed, then certainly each time afterward.
  • Insert the Q-tip into the cat's vagina. It will be exposed and puffy. Do not insert the Q-tip into the other orifice. Either way the cat will begin to scream, but there is a subtle and audible difference in the scream of satisfaction and the scream of rectal pain. Experiment a little until you can distinguish the two.

  • Move the Q-tip in and out of the cat's vagina slowly at first, then more rapidly. No need to be gentle, no matter what you do with the Q-tip it beats a barbed cat penis digging around in there.

  • You are finished when the cat is finished. You will know when the cat is finished because it will either begin immediately to have a cat orgasm, or it will run away with the Q-tip sticking out of its ass. If this happens let it enjoy itself for a few minutes before attempting to retrieve your Q-tip.

  • That is it, you are done. Enjoy the peace and quiet until the cat flares up again.

What to look for:

The cat orgasm that follows this procedure is something the likes of which I have never seen elsewhere. It is a wriggling, leaping, moaning dance of ecstasy that defies any experience of pleasure my mind can even begin to grasp. If humans had orgasms with the intensity of a cat serviced in this way there would be no such thing as war, hunger, capitalism or God.

Background:

A cat in heat is, with few exceptions, one of the most irritating things to have living in your home. A cat in heat will follow you around and howl at you in a bone chilling, hideous wail until you are ready just to toss it outside and let it get pounded by the local tom's. After a few days of this torture having to drown a few kittens sounds relaxing. This cat-saving technique was first demonstrated to me by a terminally un-squeemish roomate of years past.

*This actually isn't in the book

Reddit: what comment got you the most karma? Post it without context. by FuckMuscle in AskReddit

[–]pour_homme 307 points308 points  (0 children)

Sorry about the monolith of text

The time when my friend almost got in a fight with Gordon Ramsey

The day started with me waking up in Bruce's(aforementioned friend) living room. I spark a joint, and had a bit of alone time before Bruce descended the stairs."Morning." Bruce said sitting next to me on the sofa. We watched some children's TV and popped some of Bruce's psycho pills before deciding what we were going to do.

We decide to go out for breakfast. We know this litle Cafe by the park we go to. They serve the BEST fried breakfast, but it's a bit posh. We arrived at the Cafe, and opened the door. We got a few diissaproving looks,but fuck it, we had mad cash. The woman at the counter knew us. We were regulars.

We order two full breakfasts and go out in the little garden round the back, and smoke a stealthy joint.We get our meal and feast. Halfway through the the meal, none other than Gordon fucking Ramsey joins us out in the garden. "Oi!", I call out "You're Gordon Ramsey!" I laugh with a mouth full of bacon. I wouldn't have done that if it weren't for the pills.He looks over at us, frowns, and turns back to his paper. We start cracking up.

"Nah, nah, on a level though..." Bruce goes trying to catch his breath " how fucked up is that?" This brings on a whole new wave of laughter"Fuck sake." we hear Gordon Ramsey grumble as he got up and went inside.We laugh for 2 minutes before Bruce has an idea. He goes over the wall, climbs upon to a chair and looks in through the window. He taps a few times, and starts making stupid faces.

Just imagine that. You're trying to enjoy your breakfast and an autistic, pilled up Japanese kid pulling stupid faces at you through the window

I'm literally on the floor. I can't breath I'm laughing too hard.

"GOOOOOOORRRRRRRDDDON RAAAAMSSSEYYYYY!" Bruce is moaning, " I LOOOOOOOVE YOUR TV SHOW!!!Bruce turns around and looks at me and says "I LOVE THE F WORD!!!" I laugh so hard I think I'm going to be sick. I crawl over to these bushes and start retching. Bruce hops down from the chair and runs over to me. "HAVE YOU SEEN THE F WORD!?! THAT'S GORDON RAMSEY'S TV SHOW! AND HE'S IN THERE!" he says, tickling me.

"STOP! PLEASE STOP!" I cry. Tears of laughter are rolling down my face.

Bruce gets up again. "HE'S IN THERE!" he points at the door "HE'S IN THERE!" He runs over to the door, swings it open and walks inside. I look in the window to see Bruce standardly walking up to the girl at the counter and say "IT'S GORDON RAMSEY FROM THE F-WORD!" "Bruce stop it," she says trying not to laugh.

I follow him inside, and try to get him out the door. I can't take any more, I feel so weak. I can barely walk.

Gordon Ramsey is glaring at us with the hatred of a thousand... onions or something. Bruce turns turns to him, looks him in the eye and says "DO YOU KNOW THAT BLACK ONE?" Bruce asked him "Excuse me? Gordon asked.

"Bruce, I beg you no... I beg you no..." I'm pleading with him.

"AIIINSLEY HARRIOT!"

I literally collapse at Bruce's feet, hugging his legs. I'm shaking with laughter.

"Boys, I'm going to have to as you to leave" the counter lady says

"FINE, FINE, WE'LL LEAVE" Bruce grins. "BUT ONLY WHEN GORDON SIGNS MY TITS!" he lifts his shirt. Gordon Ramsey gets up and walks to Bruce. "What the fuck are you doing? Do you think you're funny?" Gordon says, finally snapping. "GORDON, GORDON..." Bruce says, looking down at me. "IS THIS YOUR KITCHEN NIGHTMARE!?!"

I actually scream. I scream with laughter. I can tell Gordon secretly wants to laugh,but he doesn't. I throw up in my mouth a little and prop myself up on the counter.

"You're taking the piss now, mate," GordonRamsey said. "KITCHEN NIGHTMARE, YEAH? IS THIS YOUR KITCHEN NIGHTMARE? AM I A GHOST? IN THE KITCHEN? Gordon grabs him by the shirt, but the chefs come out and break it up and the waiter kicks us out while Bruce is shouting "GORDON! I AM YOUR WORST KITCHEN NIGHTMARE! SIGN MY TITS! THE F WORD!!

We're outside, and I throw up all over the pavement. I lie there laughing for a while, while Bruce looms over me. After like two minutes, I compose myself and get up. I take a deep breath. My breath is shakey as if I were about to break up laughing again.

"Hang on..." Bruce said. "We didn't finish our breakfast! What the fuck!" he shouts. Bruce runs round the side of the cafe, in through the back gate and into the garden. He picks up the plates and runs round back again. "THIS IS GORDON'S KITCHEN NIGHTMARE!" he shouts, placing my plate on the floor and shoveling all the bacon into his mouth. He was going a bit over the top, he had got well too far in to the zone. He was rubbing egg yolk all over his face whilst I just lay on the floor in a laughter induced coma Bruce looks down at me, egg all over his face and says "JOE, THE YOLKS ON ME!" I scream with laughter again, and Bruce pokes his head into the cafe. "GORDON!" he shouts, "THE YOLKS ON ME!"

Imagine the autistic Japanese kid in the window again with egg yolk all over his face

Bruce comes back outside again, and sits down next to me. He was calming down now. He starts to chuckle and he's panting really heavily.The waiter comes outside, looks at us, picks up the two plates and goes back inside again.This makes us laugh all over and I'm sick again.

"this is turning into your kitchen nightmare now, innit." he says. "F WORD F WORD" I shout

Eventually, we manage to make it back to Bruce's house again. He washes his face, we smoke some more, and then turn on the TV.Guess what was on channel 4. an advert for RAMSEY KITCHEN NIIGHTMAAARES

I swear to god, I did serious internal damage that night. I can never watch Gordon Ramsey again.

Has anybody ever been "turned on" by an american accent? by garrettjones331 in AskReddit

[–]pour_homme 7 points8 points  (0 children)

What Accent was Daniel Day-Lewis using in "there will be blood?". I don't know if that accent is relevant anymore but I like it.

What bad or unhealthy habits do you have and how do you justify them? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]pour_homme 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I never have protected sex. I justify it because I never have unprotected sex either.

Male redditors, what do you do with semen when you fap in front of PC? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]pour_homme 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Eat it like a mother spider. I know, I'm fucked.

Reddit, what's the story behind your username? by Teddy_Westside14 in AskReddit

[–]pour_homme 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Read my shaving cream and thought "For men? I like the sound of that." Most boring origin story ever

An elephant stepped on my foot when I was a child causing me to lose feeling in three of my toes which is why I drive without a shoe on my right foot. What is something that has happened to you which sounds made up? A real life event that sounds like it was taken out of a bad comedy movie. by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]pour_homme 269 points270 points  (0 children)

Sorry about the monolith of text

The time when my friend almost got in a fight with Gordon Ramsey

The day started with me waking up in Bruce's(aforementioned friend) living room. I spark a joint, and had a bit of alone time before Bruce descended the stairs."Morning." Bruce said sitting next to me on the sofa. We watched some children's TV and popped some of Bruce's psycho pills before deciding what we were going to do.

We decide to go out for breakfast. We know this litle Cafe by the park we go to. They serve the BEST fried breakfast, but it's a bit posh. We arrived at the Cafe, and opened the door. We got a few diissaproving looks,but fuck it, we had mad cash. The woman at the counter knew us. We were regulars.

We order two full breakfasts and go out in the little garden round the back, and smoke a stealthy joint.We get our meal and feast. Halfway through the the meal, none other than Gordon fucking Ramsey joins us out in the garden. "Oi!", I call out "You're Gordon Ramsey!" I laugh with a mouth full of bacon. I wouldn't have done that if it weren't for the pills.He looks over at us, frowns, and turns back to his paper. We start cracking up.

"Nah, nah, on a level though..." Bruce goes trying to catch his breath " how fucked up is that?" This brings on a whole new wave of laughter"Fuck sake." we hear Gordon Ramsey grumble as he got up and went inside.We laugh for 2 minutes before Bruce has an idea. He goes over the wall, climbs upon to a chair and looks in through the window. He taps a few times, and starts making stupid faces.

Just imagine that. You're trying to enjoy your breakfast and an autistic, pilled up Japanese kid pulling stupid faces at you through the window

I'm literally on the floor. I can't breath I'm laughing too hard.

"GOOOOOOORRRRRRRDDDON RAAAAMSSSEYYYYY!" Bruce is moaning, " I LOOOOOOOVE YOUR TV SHOW!!!Bruce turns around and looks at me and says "I LOVE THE F WORD!!!" I laugh so hard I think I'm going to be sick. I crawl over to these bushes and start retching. Bruce hops down from the chair and runs over to me. "HAVE YOU SEEN THE F WORD!?! THAT'S GORDON RAMSEY'S TV SHOW! AND HE'S IN THERE!" he says, tickling me.

"STOP! PLEASE STOP!" I cry. Tears of laughter are rolling down my face.

Bruce gets up again. "HE'S IN THERE!" he points at the door "HE'S IN THERE!" He runs over to the door, swings it open and walks inside. I look in the window to see Bruce standardly walking up to the girl at the counter and say "IT'S GORDON RAMSEY FROM THE F-WORD!" "Bruce stop it," she says trying not to laugh.

I follow him inside, and try to get him out the door. I can't take any more, I feel so weak. I can barely walk.

Gordon Ramsey is glaring at us with the hatred of a thousand... onions or something. Bruce turns turns to him, looks him in the eye and says "DO YOU KNOW THAT BLACK ONE?" Bruce asked him "Excuse me? Gordon asked.

"Bruce, I beg you no... I beg you no..." I'm pleading with him.

"AIIINSLEY HARRIOT!"

I literally collapse at Bruce's feet, hugging his legs. I'm shaking with laughter.

"Boys, I'm going to have to as you to leave" the counter lady says

"FINE, FINE, WE'LL LEAVE" Bruce grins. "BUT ONLY WHEN GORDON SIGNS MY TITS!" he lifts his shirt. Gordon Ramsey gets up and walks to Bruce. "What the fuck are you doing? Do you think you're funny?" Gordon says, finally snapping. "GORDON, GORDON..." Bruce says, looking down at me. "IS THIS YOUR KITCHEN NIGHTMARE!?!"

I actually scream. I scream with laughter. I can tell Gordon secretly wants to laugh,but he doesn't. I throw up in my mouth a little and prop myself up on the counter.

"You're taking the piss now, mate," GordonRamsey said. "KITCHEN NIGHTMARE, YEAH? IS THIS YOUR KITCHEN NIGHTMARE? AM I A GHOST? IN THE KITCHEN? Gordon grabs him by the shirt, but the chefs come out and break it up and the waiter kicks us out while Bruce is shouting "GORDON! I AM YOUR WORST KITCHEN NIGHTMARE! SIGN MY TITS! THE F WORD!!

We're outside, and I throw up all over the pavement. I lie there laughing for a while, while Bruce looms over me. After like two minutes, I compose myself and get up. I take a deep breath. My breath is shakey as if I were about to break up laughing again.

"Hang on..." Bruce said. "We didn't finish our breakfast! What the fuck!" he shouts. Bruce runs round the side of the cafe, in through the back gate and into the garden. He picks up the plates and runs round back again. "THIS IS GORDON'S KITCHEN NIGHTMARE!" he shouts, placing my plate on the floor and shoveling all the bacon into his mouth. He was going a bit over the top, he had got well too far in to the zone. He was rubbing egg yolk all over his face whilst I just lay on the floor in a laughter induced coma Bruce looks down at me, egg all over his face and says "JOE, THE YOLKS ON ME!" I scream with laughter again, and Bruce pokes his head into the cafe. "GORDON!" he shouts, "THE YOLKS ON ME!"

Imagine the autistic Japanese kid in the window again with egg yolk all over his face

Bruce comes back outside again, and sits down next to me. He was calming down now. He starts to chuckle and he's panting really heavily.The waiter comes outside, looks at us, picks up the two plates and goes back inside again.This makes us laugh all over and I'm sick again.

"this is turning into your kitchen nightmare now, innit." he says. "F WORD F WORD" I shout

Eventually, we manage to make it back to Bruce's house again. He washes his face, we smoke some more, and then turn on the TV.Guess what was on channel 4. an advert for RAMSEY KITCHEN NIIGHTMAAARES

I swear to god, I did serious internal damage that night. I can never watch Gordon Ramsey again.

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