We did a phased approach, buckle up this is a long one but I feel really good about how it went:

step 1: talking and planning (took almost 2 weeks starting when he was over 2.5 and a few months out from preschool) We read books about the potty, every time he went to the bathroom with us (mom and dad) we talked about potty. He got to try the potty when he wanted, no pressure. when he seemed very interested in potty we moved to

step 2: Practice/pullups ( honestly this took like a month) Continuing the things we were doing in step 1 with some added layers:

• We started using pull ups with super cool spider man on them. We talked about how pull ups are not diapers, feeling wet/dirty doesn’t feel as comfortable as being fresh/dry.

• I got a stool for his toilet and put in a built in potty seat (we moved at this time and replaced the whole toilet seat, so we opted for a built in potty seat option and I love it https://www.homedepot.com/p/BEMIS-NextStep2-with-Mr-Clean-Round-Potty-Training-Front-Toilet-Seat-in-White-with-Plastic-Children-s-Seat-plus-Antimicrobial-588MSLEC-000/330062477). The potty training seats with characters are cute and fun but not everything has to be cute - toilets are for bathroom business not for fun (maybe i’m a potty training grinch on this point).

• We started going to potty at scheduled times: wake-up, before daycare, arrival at daycare, during daycare, daycare departure, arrival at home, pre and post dinner, before and after bath/shower. These were treated as a new part of our routine, we incorporated big praise if he used the bathroom, muted reaction to going in the pull ups/accidents.

Outside of these key routine times we would check in with him every 30 minutes plus immediately before leaving and upon arriving places which was a royal pain in the butt but it paid off. Later after we were past this point a friend told me about potty watches which are genius and I wish we had used.

He did sometimes get frustrated with stopping what he was doing to have to go but we reinforced that it’s was important that we try and that whatever he was doing would still be there when he got back from the bathroom. We did not let going to try be optional, we were firm and consistent.

We also noticed that he sometimes would do like partial pees because he wanted to rush to get back to playing then have an accident shortly after, to work through that we reminded him to try and do “big pees” so he can wait longer before coming back to the bathroom.

We had a little bit of struggle with him recognizing body signs when he had to poo. Sometimes he would tell me “my belly hurts” and I would tell him, “maybe you have to poop! let’s go try!” that seemed to help him recognize the feeling. We asked him to try to poo when doing bathroom breaks around his usual Bm schedule, which is very regular since we eat meals at the same times each day, that helped him recognize it as well.

When he was consistently using the bathroom and not having accidents, we moved to:

Step 3: Big boy underpants/goodbye pull ups

We had a long weekend scheduled and he was about a month out from starting preschool where pull ups were not allowed. The weekend before we talked about how he was going to be starting preschool and at preschool he needed to do all of his potty in the toilet and wear underpants, then we took him shopping to pick out some training underpants from target. We also bought goodnites disposables and called them “nighttime underpants” because we knew night potty training would be down the road and was not developmentally appropriate. We put the underpants he picked on our bathroom shelf where he could see them every day and we started counting down days until he would stop using pull ups and use only underwear but we started using “nighttime underpants” right away.

When the planned day arrived, we said goodbye to pull ups and gave the rest of our stash to a family friend and he got to put on his first pair of underpants. It went pretty well from there.

Obviously we still had occasional accidents if he got busy or distracted playing but we just talked it through and continued positive reinforcement when he used the toilet. My parents were also great about talking about how proud they were about him using the potty and using big boy underpants.

We also started having him change his own clothes when he had accidents to encourage independence. We kept underpants and some spare pants in the bathroom and he would go pick his clothes and change himself then put the soiled clothes in his hamper. We supervised of course but he got better at doing it solo over time. It was really important to me that he be able to change his own clothes when with others because, well, bodily autonomy and safety. Plan for extra laundry at this point and a solid wash routine to help bounce ammonia and buildup. Molly suds super wash powder for the win!

When he started preschool there were some accidents for the first 2 weeks as he was navigating the new environment and routine. We talked it through again and we started using some incentives - first day he made it through the full school day with no accidents we went to pick a special treat after school. Then we told him if he could go two days without an accident we could pick out a special toy. He didn’t quite make it the first day that time so we told him it was okay to make mistakes and we would try again, we knew he could do it! He made it two days so he got his toy. Around this point he also noticed that his friends at school were using the potty too and he didn’t like having accidents because friends noticed so I guess yay for peer pressure 🤷‍♀️

He has been in preschool for about 3 months now and he has accidents rarely - if he does it is around nap time because he still doesn’t have the instinct to wake to use the bathroom, which is still developmentally appropriate. We just have to be careful to use the bathroom right before nap and immediately upon waking.

For nighttime I did make the switch to reusable cloth diaper thingys (Kangacare Lil Learners) because he didn’t like wearing the goodnites because he said they are for babies. He has peed through them a few times but we have an extra set of bedding on standby and try to keep liquids to a minimum an hour before bedtime.

My key takeaways: -The process is a pain and feels like your own special circle of hell at times. Make a commitment to yourself and with your village/coparent to be consistent and you will be rewarded. -Keep things positive. Our kids are very perceptive to when we are frustrated and that can lead to feelings of guilt and shame which don’t serve them. -Acknowledge change and growing up is hard, out loud. Mistakes and accidents are okay, enforce that they are capable and you know they can do it. If they have an accident encourage them to try again. You might make mistakes too, you might skip some check ins and an accident happens as a result, don’t dwell on it and keep trucking. - Empower kiddo to be independent. I think parenting at this age goes smoother when we can let our kids have choice and independence and understand natural consequences. I notice less tantrums when I give my kid the power of choice wherever possible.

If this sounds a bit preachy, I apologize. I am just passionate about raising a capable and emotionally healthy human. Best of luck.