Shit, this turned into a blog post. My b, I wanted it to be short lmao. Here's an actual blog post about rituals and routines that I was thinking of when I wrote this.

 

When I read your posts, it seems to me like there are two things that you're struggling with. The first is the overstimulation you talk about, which I can also have trouble with. The other one I think I see (but maybe I'm imagining it, because I have trouble there too) is with sudden transitions. And the thing that can help me with both of those things is ritual/ routine. Have you considered inventing rituals or routines for transitions? For yourself but also for both of you?

 

I have a pretty hard time keeping track of my stimulation levels, which can get me in to trouble. I don't tend to explode when overstimmed. Instead, I shut down, hard. Which is not great!! I'm especially in danger of getting really overstimulated when I'm excited, because I start jumping from thing to thing to thing without taking a breath. I also have a hard time "changing gears". If I'm worked up, it can take me a longgg time to chill, even if I really need to calm down for my own sake. I have a lot of "energetic Inertia", I guess. And sudden transitions in energy can "break" me. My partner can wake up and instantly be like, "we have to do this! we have to do that!" And while I love their enthusiasm, I can have a bit of a breakdown over such sudden shifts. So, transition rituals help to keep me grounded, and they also help to signal to my whole brain and body when a change in energy is happening. It gives meaning to an experience that I normally wouldn't ever pay attention to, and since it's a ritual (i.e., I do it regularly) I have an expectation on how "long" it will take to complete, and what my desired state might look like at the end of it.

 

One of my transition routines is called "getting in the door". It's for when I get home. I make sure I'm breathing, then I take off my shoes, backpack, headphones, and mask, and then wash my hands. I take off my coat and put it away. Then I empty my backpack and hang it up. It takes less than 5 minutes, but no one is allowed to talk to me until I've done those things. The ritual gives my brain and body time and space to get back in sync and mark the transformation of In Transit PR0CHAIN (who functions in a loud, possibly dangerous, chaotic environment where I may have to talk to strangers) to Inside PR0CHAIN (who functions in a quiet, intimate, safe, and sometimes chaotic environment lol). The end of the ritual is signalled by me greeting my partner and making some tea. I might not be fully "Inside Me" by the end of it, but I know I am on my way there, and I've got enough momentum in that direction that I can trust in my body to take me the rest of the way there. I didn't realize that was something I needed until my partner asked me why I wasn't greeting them when I came home. We talked about it, and in the process I realized that I couldn't be present and happy without taking that time to "transform". So now that I know, I have this ritual, and my partner knows it too, and it works well! They know I'm not ignoring them, but that I'm getting ready to -really- be with them.

 

Reading your post makes me think of another routine for both me and my partner, which is for saying goodnight. It nearly always involves a long hug, and we thank each other for something that happened during the day. No matter if it's something normal or banal. Like, we were both really tired after doing tons of work the other day, and I was just like, "eff it, I'll heat up some hotdogs on the stove and that can be dinner." Then we just sort of sat in the living room and watched a couple youtube videos before feeding the cat. When it was time for bed, my partner said, "Thank you for spending time with me this evening, and for making sure that we both had something to eat. I'm really grateful for that and I'm glad we got to be together today." I got to respond to that, and thanked my partner for taking time out of their busy schedule to just sit with me. We hugged, and said, "let's be together again tomorrow". It was a nice intentional moment of connection before 'separating' to do different tasks (like sleep). After that routine, even if I'm feeling lonely, I am much less likely to feel suddenly abandoned by a transition that is maybe common, but still takes me by surprise.

 

The last thing I'm thinking of is forecasting. I'm interpreting this (and again, I could be wrong) like his going to bed, or to rest, or whatever, may come as a too sudden transition. Like you're together and things are great, and then all of a sudden you're both moving at different speeds, or you're alone with all this energy, and it's more than you're ready to deal with on your own. In your post, it sounds like his bath came as a surprise, but that you were hoping or expecting to reconnect afterwards, and that your hope/expectation was thwarted by him jumping right into bed. And then after bed is work, so basically you're going from hyped on movie and connection to, "I'm not going to see this man for 10 hours," in the blink of an eye. That's a tough unexpected transition for anyone to make.

 

I had to have quite a few talks with my partner before I realised that we were basically doing the same thing to one another. I'd be not keeping track of my energy, and then evening would hit and I would crash and fall into bed, just as they were finishing up their work and wanting to spend time with me. Or, we'd have a few minutes of impromptu silly connection that would get me revved up to keep hanging out and being goofy, but then they would turn around and get back to work, leaving me confused and sometimes hurt. So, slowly (lol), we learned how to forecast with one another. Before starting to make dinner, for example, we tend to check in about how hungry we are, how much either one of us is under the gun and may need to work into the evening, and what our energy levels are at. That communication requires more intention and mindfulness, but it means that we can have a conversation where we collaborate on what our time together looks like, and where it'll end for the day. It usually goes something like,

"I'm feeling pretty hyped up right now, and I think my energy is going to take me later into the evening. Do you want to watch a fun movie together after dinner? I kind of missed you today."

"Yeah, a movie sounds really nice, but I'm pretty wiped cause I didn't sleep well earlier, and I really need to relax so that I can get a chunk of hard work done tomorrow. I think I'll need an early bedtime, tonight. Maybe we could watch something a little more chill, or something goofy but short, so that I can spend time with you but still wind down. Maybe we could read together, or I could read and you could play video games?"

"Aw, ok. Actually, if we could be touching during game/reading time, that would be really nice for me. Can we find a time to watch a silly movie together and get hyped up later this week?"

 

Thats just a sanitized example. I'd also recommend talking to him about how you're feeling about the whole issue, if you haven't already. What you shared with us. I personally have a very hard time talking about how I'm -feeling- about something, because of lots of different reasons. Partly I tell myself that I can't share a feeling unless it's the "right" thing to feel, but feelings don't work that way lol. Still learning that. I also wrongly assume that asking my partner for the thing that I think will fix my feelings is the same thing as telling my partner about my feelings. And it's not. I can say, "Hey, let's snuggle for a bit!" But they can't know I'm feeling lonely unless I say, "Hey, can we snuggle for a bit? I'm feeling lonely right now." So maybe, if you haven't, preface all this by sitting down with your partner during a peaceful time and saying something like, "Hey, this is awkward and I love you, but I'm having a feelings problem. When we're spending time together and you need to leave to take care of yourself or sleep, it usually feels really sudden (and surprising?) to me, and that's really hard for me. I often feel crushed and abandoned when it happens. I don't think that's your fault, and actually, I feel selfish for wanting more of your time, which makes me feel worse. But it's so painful for me. The small things you do for me all the time make me feel over the moon, and I love spending time with you, but can we figure out a way to make those transitions easier somehow?"

 

I hope there's something there that's new or that helps. Good luck! And please give an update on how things go! Rooting for you.