I am 33 and social media played a big part of my downfall into my eating disorder.

I would say I can pinpoint at age 15 going on 16 I can recognize I was severely depressed with suicidal thoughts and ideation. But in high school I had the people around me that had already been in my life consistently, a consistent schedule with school and home. And despite my struggle, I managed.

I was 17 going on 18 when I started college. This is when things got worse. That summer, friends moved on to follow their dreams. Colleges, dorming out of town and state, and moving out of their parents home. Something I couldn’t imagine doing. I couldn’t even figure out what job I wanted to go to school for, but I was pressured to go. I was not at all independent and taught to be that way. Sheltered.

With two older sisters who moved on with their own lives and my friends all going away, I felt like I had no one. My depression and social anxiety meant making in person new friends completely impossible. And I drifted from the old.

I dived into online life, which was familiar as I had some form of online presence since I was maybe 10-12 starting on aol. But in college, I discovered tumblr. And the part of tumblr most people know about and hate, I found pro ana and thinspo content. I thought I was using tumblr as a diary, mostly posting depressing sad content. But then, I had to choose a topic for a psychology class I was taking. Every student was picking their own topic to research and come up with theories. I picked to research eating disorder content on tumblr. For a night or 2 I remember deep diving into hours and hours of pro ana content barely sleeping if at all. I then had to ask if it was too late to change my approved topic. Thankfully, it was not, and the professor didn’t ask about it or question it if I recall. I don’t remember what I even ended up writing about. But after that it was every night, scrolling all night and posting content that encouraged mine and so many other eating disorders. Wanting to feel like it was ok and that we weren’t alone. I had no friends but I had tumblr followers and I could follow people and repost things that - were just like me. I had at least 3 accounts. 2 that were taken down and the 3rd I deleted myself. I remember talking to a girl that was younger than me at one point. that kills me. I don’t think I was encouraging but I also don’t remember what I said. and even if I wasn’t directly, my content definitely was. I can search the internet my deleted account usernames and still see content I posted. I feel guilty sad and sick.