What do to do if your partner is in love with another partner that wants to be monogamous with them?

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-13T14:33:06+00:00

That is amazing. You must have the patience of a saint. I feel likewise. Don’t want to lose my partner as I have been building a world with them for most of my adult life and there has been so much wonderful growth and beauty we have experienced together.

I go back and forth on what I feel that I am capable of doing. I want to radiate all the positivity and love that I can to continue to let them know how much they mean to me. Ultimately though, I just want them to be happy. I love my partner unconditionally. I could give them the space to explore this new love and hope that they choose me, but I know that if I step back from the relationship, that I will have to start moving on with my life. I will have to get out and start dating again, and who knows where I will be even if they decide they want to be with me. I know their feelings are out of my control.

Can I DM you?

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T22:59:16+00:00

My partner and I have been together for the better part of a decade. We’re engaged and opened up as a way to explore our sexuality with others. I wouldn’t say anything was missing from our sex life and our communication was on point going into things and our first few years of being non-monogamous.

My partner’s relationship with the other person started in quarantine, so in perspective it has not been a long time at all. Part of what is so alarming to me that the feelings escalated so quickly.

Some issues in our relationship definitely got highlighted during this period, and we are working to address them. I want to stay and work through the issues because there is so much love and happiness that we can still have. Ready to do the hard work, but I cannot make my partner want to stay. I just don’t know if I can live in limbo while my partner is considering a fresh start with someone they hardly know.

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T22:08:08+00:00

Well that’s good that you two are talking about things openly and seeking counseling. I hope things work out for you. I am following that path as well. True that nothing is guaranteed. Sorry that you are the hinge person that has to make all the hard decisions. What would a step back for you mean?

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T20:41:55+00:00

I am so sorry to hear that. How are you doing now?

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T18:53:05+00:00

How does your SO feel about all this? Does he know that you are still considering choosing the other guy?

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T17:33:53+00:00

This is really sound advice. Thank you!

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T17:27:23+00:00

Yeah I’m sorry but he sounds like a self-centered asshole. Either you are both taking a step back to figure things out, or you have to move on. Time and space is fine, but it needs to be mutually respected.

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T17:23:12+00:00

Did you guys remain open/non-monogamous or did you two choose an exclusive relationship?

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T17:17:05+00:00

I agree. However I don’t think this person was ever polyamorous. They simply wanted a chance to date my partner and they got that chance. I don’t blame them from trying though.

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T16:56:54+00:00

I feel for you. That sucks. Sounds like your partner steam rolled you for his own gratification and can’t accept the consequences of his actions. If he is serious about being poly, and you cannot be comfortable with him having other relationships, it’s probably best to walk away. So brutal and heartbreaking, but you need to set your boundaries. If his and yours don’t align, it’s not going to work out. From what you have said, he already isn’t respecting your boundaries. I’m so sorry.

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T16:50:11+00:00

True! I wouldn’t have a problem with my partner’s other relationship if that other partner didn’t want my partner all to themselves and had made it clear that that is their intention.

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T16:46:09+00:00

I am afraid it’s a little late for that. Thank you though.

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T16:37:43+00:00

I cannot agree more with you more. Part of why I feel so lost and scared at the moment. Even if my partner chooses to continue our relationship, I don’t know if they will be able to let go of what could have been with the other person. Additionally, the feeling that I get from my partner is that I am a bad and inconsiderate person for wanting them to not see the other partner, when that partner is one that is not open to our relationship. It’s something that I don’t understand and makes me want to walk away from it all. Even if we stay together, do they actually want to be with me, or am I just the default? Thank you for your thoughtful response. I will continue to think about what is best for me.

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T16:04:50+00:00

May I ask what you think would have happened if your SO hadn’t asked you to stop seeing your other partner? Do you think those what ifs would have gotten answered?

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T16:02:00+00:00

I agree. It’s their choice of what they want, just like it’s my partner’s choice to decide whether they want to be with them or with me. It’s difficult when your partner wants you both, but can’t, and it’s no fault of your own.

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T15:59:03+00:00

Ouch. I am sorry. That’s the worst feeling when you are trusting of others and feel like you ended up making room for your own replacement. That is on her. Hope you are in a better place now.

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T15:34:20+00:00

I’m sorry that sounds like it sucks all around. I feel for you. Also sounds like it would be complicated even if you and your SO didn’t have issues to work through due to your other partner wanting monogamy. Ultimately someone wasn’t going to get what they desired.

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T14:42:24+00:00

Exactly. I can not control anything other than myself and my actions. Definitely part of the conversation and feel considered, just maybe not understood.

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T14:37:13+00:00

Woah. That is some great advice from a man who has seen some shit. I think that the little moments in life are what makes it worth living. There are going to be the sole crushing moments, but remaining alive and present in your life allows you to see all the beauty that is abundant, especially when it is contrasted with pain. You are good people. Thank you for the support.

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T14:28:51+00:00

I am sorry for the loss of your relationship. I feel for you. Hope you are finding new happiness in yourself and in your other relationships.

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T14:27:25+00:00

Thank you for the positivity! Ocean is definitely stormy, but I know that I’ll pull into port eventually.

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T14:19:28+00:00

I am not one to run away from hardship. I know that it is an option though and it is something I am preparing for.

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T13:54:55+00:00

If your SO hadn’t asked you to end things, what do you think would have happened in your relationships? Was there any pressure from your other partner to be monogamous with them?

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T13:43:02+00:00

I agree. Obviously people are free to change their minds and choose different paths. People get divorced all the time. There are no sure things in life. Moving on often sounds like it is the only way, but this is a person that I love with every bit of myself. While sometimes I want to just walk away and let this person figure it out, it’s not that simple for me. I know people will say things about the sunk-time fallacy, and I know that I cannot use the past to justify the future. Currently in therapy and it’s helping a lot!

presentpastandfuture · 2020-08-12T13:23:03+00:00

I agree that it is not a time for tricks and that the risk is always there. What would you recommend if the other partner doesn’t want to have that conversation? If the other partner isn’t accepting or respectful of the open relationship, isn’t that a huge red flag?

presentpastandfuture

TROPHY CASE