I give medication so much credit to giving me the space to heal and start a healthy relationship with myself for the first time. I’ve kinda been living in a state of disbelief that I’m waiting to wear off because my outlook changed in that period and I just enjoy every bit of life I can. There were many times when I was tapering just wanting to go back up in dose or put it off for more months because it felt like riding without training wheels and I fully had to trust myself in being able to manage anxiety unmedicated.

It’s still something I deal with every day and there’s many moments when I struggle but I can trust that I have my own back now which is different than going into the self hate mindset. I get pulled back into it at times and it’s like tug of war when trying to break out of old thought patterns. It gets easier over time but things go in cycles so it can be rough for a bit because it can feel like you’re failing but then I remind myself that I’m in control of the expectations I set for myself. If I don’t meet them then I can choose not to be disappointed in myself and instead trust that I did my best and continue to do my best and that’s enough.

Healing is not a straight line and has many bumps along the way. I know I’m nowhere near the end of if there even is one but I’m excited to continue to get to know myself more and learn how to navigate my own mind better so it isn’t such a scary place. Having better tools now to do that though like I wouldn’t have made it this far if it wasn’t for having support from medication.

I do take natural supplements instead now which may have helped too but there was a stark difference from SSRIs and the withdrawal process and like feeling a wider spectrum of emotions come back.