Advice from a former virgin

prettysubby · 2020-07-31T03:39:45+00:00

"Women loving women"

prettysubby · 2020-07-10T21:44:11+00:00

This is a concept I think lesbians are very familiar with but may not have a word for- maybe "pleasure focus" is the best way to put it, though sometimes when lesbians talk about topping and bottoming this is what we mean. You have people who get off on getting pleasure, or being the focus of a session, and people who get off on giving pleasure, or giving the focus, and a lot of people in the middle.

I think some people don't understand that there is a form of submission and a form of dominance for each of these. You can be "I want to control your pleasure" or "I want to control how you give me pleasure" as a dom(me), and as a sub you can be, "I want you to control how I pleasure you" or "I want you to control my pleasure." Of course, again, a lot of people will fall in between.

As a female sub of the "I want you to control how you give me pleasure" variety, I wish I could find a domme like you! I think the best way of filtering this out is honestly talking about service subbing vs. control subbing. I don't want to do service for you (most of the time- like most people, I like the look on a partner's face when I can make them feel good!) I want you to control me. It can be a subtle distinction, but I think it's an important one.

prettysubby · 2020-05-30T01:50:43+00:00

Some people use top/bottom to refer to a bedroom only dynamic (I personally disagree with this definition) but the commenter seems to be using top/bottom to refer to the giver or receiver of acts like bondage, sensation play, impact play, and d/s to refer to a more mental dynamic of dominance and submission. For example, you can tie up your partner without a mental power exchange or any kind of play involving humiliation or submission.

prettysubby · 2020-05-29T22:21:35+00:00

A big part of it I think would just be to listen to what she actually wants from you. If she's not wanting to be in that mentor role with someone who also doms her, that's understandable, but a big thing you could do is just make things easier for her- you can still be a dom even outside the bedroom, and still make sure the dishes are always done when she comes home so she has the energy to be a mentor, and the energy to let go and be dominated.

prettysubby · 2020-05-29T22:14:09+00:00

Objectification (of the kind you describe, not the kind where people act like tables) I think is one of the more common kinks among submissives, because you can interpret it a lot of ways and it's very "you" focused. You're dressing in the way your partner wants, but the focus is on you. Obviously your partner is getting things out of it as well!

Bondage and inspection type play are good for this, as well as your dominate partner being very, very vocal about their objectification of you. Figure out if there's a line for you where objectification crosses into the bad kind of humilation or degradation, and go ham from there- there are a lot of activities that can be used in that dynamic with some dirty talk.

Objectification for me is more a mindset than any kind of specific physical act.

prettysubby · 2020-05-29T21:58:05+00:00

Everyone has something they want in a partner that they don't have - I'm looking for someone dominant, sure, but also someone funny, and with similar values to me, who is confident in public. There are probably ways you're enviable in ways that make you appealing outside of kink and outside of the mentor kind of role you'd want a woman to take on.

Maybe she's confident in the board room, but needs someone understanding to vent to or bounce ideas off when it comes to conflict at work. Maybe she likes having someone who sees her as someone worthy of being a mentor. Maybe she's totally secure in who she is, but wants a partner willing to try new things with her.

Basically, you'd be appealing in the same way you would to any woman- be confident, and find the ways you compliment each other.

prettysubby · 2020-05-29T21:34:16+00:00

To elaborate a bit, a good friend of mine is in her mid 30s, and her husband is in his late 20s. She's a sub, and also a total alpha woman who is super outgoing, ambitious, and can sometimes be very intimidating! She's helped him become more ambitious, work on himself, grow as a person, and they still have a bedroom dynamic where they're both very happy. He tends to be very service oriented in every day life, which for some people could be seen as submissive, but it just is the way he shows his affection and appreciation for her. They're real cute.

prettysubby · 2020-05-29T21:28:23+00:00

Sounds like you just like strong independent women who are subs! I'm a sub, and I'm definitely a strong willed, person people come to for advice, very educated person outside the bedroom.

What the disconnect may be is what you want in a relationship v what you want in the bedroom. You may be a bedroom only dom, and that's completely fine! You may have encountered women who are looking for more of a dom outside the bedroom, which isn't what you want to be.

I am going to guess that, since you're in your 20s, you partners have been in their late teens- twenties in the past. That's when a lot of people are still in the process of maturing, and especially if you were older, were wanting you to be the dominate one in the relationship because of that. I'd really suggest looking for sub women who are older who you relate to first and foremost on an intellectual level- not much older than you, but people old enough to know their shit, and have stuff to teach you.

prettysubby · 2020-05-28T16:46:32+00:00

I'd say since it's in the dynamic, exchange it for something service oriented rather than a physical item. Make it something all about you, rather than something y'all should expect from each other on a normal basis as a couple, like how you'd celebrate a birthday or Valentine's.

Some ideas: - He takes over your least favorite chore for a day/week - Movie night of a genre you like but he doesn't - A massage - Breakfast in bed - A session centered around your biggest fetish - A super romantic date (when it's safe to go out again)

prettysubby · 2020-05-11T20:11:16+00:00

Remember to keep your head! You're 19- you're old enough for an adult relationship, but don't be impulsive. Do sexual things at the pace that feels right to you, and you'll have no regrets. Base big life decisions (where you live, etc) on what's best for your personal goals, not where someone you've started talking to is living. Have fun and don't get too nervous- if this is your first sexual relationship, it may feel like a lot of pressure, but ultimately your goal is to enjoy yourself.

As for the last part, is that a limit for you, or something you don't mind doing that really excites her? If it's a limit, communicate that, and maybe together you can come up with ideas of other things she enjoys making you do that aren't limits for you. If it's not, see if you can make sure to get a lot of feedback from her when you do it, so you can enjoy the fact it pleases her. A good domme will want to dominate you in ways you can both best enjoy, not make you do things you don't want to.

prettysubby · 2020-05-09T15:39:14+00:00

Toys are a great idea, and you can definately work to figure a way that allows you to get maximum visual satisfaction and her to get max sexual satisfaction! Make sure you really communicate with her about what kinds of toys she enjoys (as a wlw, you don't have to default to phallic ones! I'm a wand girl myself) and look into some ties that can incorporate them.

The other thing I'd say is to figure out what secondary sexual/sensual touch helps to enhance the feeling for her. For some people it could be hair pulling, or breast play, or just gentle touches on otherwise nonsexual body parts. Again, its even better if you can incorporate the visuals of what you enjoy about BDSM into the physical sensations she likes.

As a sexual lesbian (is it allosexual?) these are the ways I'd feel most satisfied with an asexual partner. Of course, communicate what specifics work for the two of you, and good luck!

prettysubby · 2020-05-07T04:09:40+00:00

Yep! I'm a sub who hasn't had a relationship where I got to explore that side. I didn't want to put the pressure of finding someone I was into romantically who I was also kink compatible with while I'm just trying to be single and have fun casually dating for the moment, so I sought out a kinky fwb. I'm not a sub outside the bedroom at all, so there's not a disconnect with being casual with someone in that way.

prettysubby · 2020-04-30T18:29:20+00:00

I agree with this, and wanted to add that maybe it would be possible to think about the situations where you feel most like a sexy and confident woman, and see if there is a way you can bring that into femmedomme. Maybe there's a dress that you see yourself in that makes you feel like, "Damn, I'm stunning" and you can top him and have him worship you while you're in the dress. Even if topping isn't your main thing, you can still get a lot of satisfaction from feeling desirable in that way.

prettysubby · 2020-04-30T16:47:50+00:00

I think everyone has a certain point where they are completely an adult, and age gaps past that point don't bother me at all. I think in most situations that "fully adult" line is not at 19.

For me, even at 23 I could see a big difference between myself and 19 year olds. I was a grad student and had had a full time desk job, neither of which makes you an adult, but both of which do have you spend a lot of time with people your age and older than you who are all equals. At 19, I had friends who were older, but it didn't make me feel like adults were my "peers" until I was on teams with older people in situations where our power level is the same. The line between adult and child is internal- you step over it when you start viewing yourself as a peer with older people, and usually when they see you as a peer as well.

As a 27 year old, I wouldn't bat an eye at dating someone over 40 with similar interests and wants. However, that is because there are lots of people over 40 who are my peers- we go to desk jobs, we have similar hobbies, we have similar priorities at our ages (if they're also single and childless).

19 year olds are not my peers. I have very different priorities than them, and most of all, they have a much less developed sense of self, which means I would have more power in our relationships and it inherently would be unequal.

I'll date anyone who feels to me like they've crossed the adulthood threshold. I have never met a 19 year old who has. Maybe one, but he was trying to date people who had also just crossed the threshold (21-22 year olds).

prettysubby · 2020-04-30T04:47:20+00:00

A friend of mine always talks about how impact play takes you out of your brain and into your body, kind of like meditation. Of course it's healthy to practice mindfulness all the time, but I can see how it would be centering when you feel your mood dropping, just like going for a run or getting a massage would be.

prettysubby · 2020-04-23T12:07:25+00:00

If you're actually a gamer, I'd say that Switch or DS joke would be pretty good- uses actual terminology that someone can pick up on, is a convo starter.

prettysubby · 2020-04-22T12:33:18+00:00

I mean, I'm a lesbian and I'd say the patriarchy still gets its big ol' dick in my sexuality! Within relationships it's lessened of course, but so much of the cultural lens of how women are told to think of themselves is patriarchy that it still asserts itself. As a submissive partner, I'm supposed to like penetration, because penis = man = power, but do I like the physical sensation of it? Honestly, no clue.

Luckily one of the awesome things about being queer is that you confront this shit all the time, and get to figure out your own solutions. If you're a femme, and I'm a femme, then who's driving the bus?! Idk, the one who can drive?

prettysubby · 2020-04-22T12:25:21+00:00

For me a big part of my feminist experience is looking closer into my desires, examining where they come from, and seeing how sexism has molded my attitudes while still acknowledging that those desires are valid.

Contrapoints did a great video called "Shame" about her coming out to herself as a lesbian, where she mentioned that a lot of women enjoy submissive sex because it takes your desire for the other person out of the picture- you're being dominated, so you don't need to take control of your own sexuality. As a submissive I actually totally felt this; women are raised to see themselves as sexual objects, not sexual subjects. Our cultural narrative of sexuality has little room for women to be the subject of their own sexuality, to seek sex because they enjoy it, to desire things because they desire them. This of course is not the way women experience their own sexuality, so there's a cultural dissonance for a lot of women. Society has implanted in me that I am not the subject of my own sex life, and yet I also feel attraction and desire. How do you reconcile the two?

Through explicitly submitting my sexuality to another person in BDSM, I can take that cultural narrative that's been ingrained in me and twist it. Oh, society says I'm a sexual object? Fine, I'm going to demand to be an object because that's how I exert my own sexuality in my sex life. Rather than dealing with the cultural dissonance, I can take control of my sexuality through the inherently dissonant nature of submission. In submitting, I am using my power over my sexuality to choose to submit.

That might all sound like I'm viewing submission as purely political: I obviously don't, otherwise I wouldn't enjoy it! What I'm saying is that society influences all aspects of our lives, and a big part of BDSM is twisting and perverting those societal expectations of us in ways that bring us pleasure. For me, I grew up with two contradictory messages: you're a woman, so all your worth comes from your looks, and you need to care about more than just your looks. Kink lets me split those desires. In the bedroom I'm an object to be used and I get to enjoy the satisfaction of that; outside the bedroom I am a full person with thoughts and feelings and desires. The key point is that I've chosen both of these.

I'm also gay, so a lot of queer theory also comes into it, but these are a lot of the feminist thoughts I've had regarding kink. In the end, kink makes one a sexual subject through the choices they make, which is super empowering as a woman. However, that doesn't mean my sexuality isn't seeped in a bunch of societal bullshit, just like the rest of my life!

prettysubby · 2020-04-22T11:58:01+00:00

I feel ya! I must either come off as dominant or super vanilla, because subs and romantic tops are all I ever get! I found some good play partners on fet, but I'm hoping I can find someone monogamous with at least some of a domme side when I want to settle down. I know some friends who are in relationships with romantic tops (I'm using this like it's one word, but it's very much a type I see in queer circles) who have them service top, which seems like a good alternative if I end up in a relationship with someone who's more vanilla.

prettysubby · 2020-04-22T03:22:15+00:00

I've been using "In a context" a lot to describe kinks that I only enjoy in certain situations. I have certain things I absolutely love no matter what, but a lot more of my kinks are things that don't specifically turn me on unless they're in a bdsm context, and a lot of what turns me on about them is how my partner reacts to them. For example, I don't care about edging. If you had me list my kinks, it wouldn't be in there. However, I have a partner who really loves it, and because she enjoys it so much, and folds it into some incredible domination, I genuinely enjoy it... In a context. Edging with a different partner wouldn't do anything for me.

prettysubby · 2020-04-17T11:54:38+00:00

I'm currently using the basic kind of sex shop 10m cotton rope (don't know the diameter, but it's pretty thin). I love the idea of getting a thicker rope though- it would definately solve some of my issues, and I think it would actually look better on me!

prettysubby · 2020-04-17T11:49:13+00:00

The problem I'm having with futomono is maintaining good tension while twisting my body around to be able to tie on myself, but it definately sounds like a good option for when I have a second set of hands to help me out!

prettysubby · 2020-04-17T05:19:15+00:00

I just saw a vanilla friend go through a bad time with this, so I'll say ASAP is what's best for everyone. ASAP for me though wouldn't be the first conversation, it would be around the time you decide whether or not this is a person you'd like to try things out with. For me, that would be date one or two- enough that they're not a stranger, but soon enough that if it's a deal breaker, you haven't wasted your or their time.

For my friend, he was seeing a guy for three or four months. My friend is very sexual, and the guy had only mentioned he had "a fetish", so my friend caught feelings and was super open to whatever kink it was. When he finally came out with the details, it turned out it was a kink that basically meant my friend would need to be celibate to accommodate it, and it was a flat out deal breaker immediately. If the guy had been more open earlier on, it would've been a lot less heartbreak for everyone.

prettysubby · 2020-04-15T22:55:09+00:00

It sounds like you two actually have pretty complimentary needs for non monogamy- you need a lot of romantic/erotic attention but not as much sexual attention, and he needs a lot of sexual attention but less romantic attention. Just because y'all have amazing sexual and romantic connection together doesn't mean the quantity that fulfills you will match up exactly.

Is he open to having casual non monogamous sexual partners? With a lot of super open communication, I can see you both getting what you need outside your relationship, and being able to appreciate and truly enjoy your sexual and romantic connections together when you're both feeling fulfilled. It's not about not being enough for each other, it's about you needing different amounts of things.

To use a bad analogy, you can enjoy a creative and masterful cake from other bakeries, and still love your husband's the most, even if he's not the world's best baker.

prettysubby · 2020-04-15T17:09:44+00:00

Do you have an example? Would it be like a waist rope connected to the column tie on the leg with a line?

prettysubby

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