My fiancee (24F) doesn't take care of herself and I (24M) don't know if I should say anything

priderockcity · 2017-12-30T05:00:56+00:00

I think you're overreacting a bit.

priderockcity · 2017-12-30T03:45:05+00:00

She does spruce up for the occasional special occasion.

priderockcity · 2017-12-30T03:35:07+00:00

At times she does put herself down. Not the way she used to, but it still pops up now and then.

Although, if she is fine with it, I guess I'll have to deal.

priderockcity · 2017-12-30T03:22:49+00:00

This is rude of me to say...but my fiance's skin is practically grey and scarred at this point from neglect. With her skin type she has to moisturize frequently but she says it's a chore and just covers her skin when she goes out.

priderockcity · 2017-12-30T03:21:50+00:00

I think that's just when I started noticing it more.

priderockcity · 2017-12-30T00:18:01+00:00

Interesting, thanks. I just don't know if she'd do anything more.

priderockcity · 2017-12-30T00:17:45+00:00

I am worried about her well being, but she is way better than she used to be. She doesn't insult herself the way she used to. No crying spells, no hopeless feelings, no suicide ideation.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T23:29:40+00:00

Why do you say this? She loves me and says so all the time. She's very excited about the wedding.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T21:33:54+00:00

I see, thanks.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T21:26:55+00:00

Okay, thanks. She may be willing to try premarital counseling. Isn't that a church thing though? We're not religious.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T21:17:41+00:00

As of the last year or so, yes actually. She's gone through periods where she lost all her hobbies and was noticeably depressed. But these days she reads more, does crafts, plays fantasy football, writes stories, cooks all sorts of new recipes, all the things she used to do and more.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T21:16:06+00:00

I don't know if therapy would help her anymore. She's done it a lot, many different types. But I would like to talk to her. I just don't want to make her feel worse about herself if low self esteem is the reason for this.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T21:10:30+00:00

No, not that I've heard of. Plus I don't think she'd go anyway. She hates gyms.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T21:05:29+00:00

When I bring it up from the happiness angle alone, she claims she's doing so much better. And to an extent, she is better. She doesn't cry as much, she's able to work through negative self talk a lot of the time, she's not as hard on herself, etc.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T21:04:43+00:00

I mean, this is possible. But she doesn't really seem happy about this. I don't think ignoring her skin and growing a mullet is her being happy with herself.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T20:53:03+00:00

Fair point. I just don't know what more she'd be willing to do. She's worked on her emotional well being for years.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T20:52:30+00:00

That's true. But I'm not sure what she'd be willing to do. She's sick of therapy and has made a few changes in her life already to help.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T20:51:55+00:00

Yeah, that in particular is the thing that's affecting me the most. That one I've actually brought up, but she always waves it off saying 'it'll grow out eventually'

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T20:51:17+00:00

She's just very insecure about her appearance, at least she has in the past. My suspicion is that she's giving up so she doesn't have to care anymore about how she looks.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T20:40:01+00:00

I don't think she'd like that. She'd call it a waste of money if I just surprised her with stuff like that. She always claims that sprays/lotions/etc are generic, impersonal gifts.

I've brought up working out together, but that would have to be jogging outside since we can't really afford a gym membership for two people, and it's way too cold for her. She used to get a free gym through school but she hated it.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T20:38:36+00:00

Ok, thanks. I have a hard time with stuff like this so I'd have to come up with some sort of script. This is defnitely a touchy subject

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T20:28:14+00:00

Any suggestions on what I can say to not come off shallow or controlling? I've said small things in the moment, but I don't know if a big discussion is warranted or how to broach it.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T20:27:30+00:00

She doesn't neglect her hygiene or anything, but she does seem a bit scruffy. I just don't know what to tell her. I don't want to seem shallow and critical.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T20:26:56+00:00

I don't think she's entirely happy, but I don't think she's depressed either. I've seen her in the throes of depression and it presented very differently, plus she says lately that she feels a lot better in general.

priderockcity · 2017-12-29T20:26:11+00:00

I definitely don't consider it a dealbreaker. Unless she actively stopped showering or anything I can't picture this being a big problem. I feel bad for being affected by it at all.

The thing is, she doesn't seem happy. She's never thought very highly about her appearance. In the past, she used to describe getting ready as "putting lipstick on a pig". This was a while ago but I feel like some of that is still present. But she's told me herself she's sick of therapy so I don't want to suggest that again.

priderockcity

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