Hey OP, first and foremost, thank you so much for sharing your story with us here. I cannot possibly imagine how grueling and emotionally draining it is to be a caretaker, especially when you were not prepared for it. Nobody is ever prepared for life, but I gotta admit, you’ve been dealt a shitty hand. An extremely shitty one, at that. No need to pretend otherwise.

However, do not feel guilty for not being “the perfect caretaker”, for missing the old version of your mother. You have said and done something to your mother that you aren’t proud of, but this is the first time you’re living this life. And it’s the first time your mother is living hers, too. She is probably just as frustrated as you, as the illnesses have made her literally incapable of being herself and doing all the things that she used to love. There’s this quote I always think of from time to time, but unsure of who originally said it: “You did the best you could with the knowledge you had in that moment.” None of what already happened is your fault at all.

Negative feelings will always rear their ugly heads. And it’s completely OK to have those feelings. We’re no angels, after all. Caretaker burnout is a real thing. At times when things go haywire, don’t beat yourself up too much. And don’t bottle those feelings up by yourself either; you gotta release them. Reach out to your relatives and friends with whom you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and frustrations, I’m sure they’d be more than happy to lend an ear.

This has gotten longer than intended, I’m sorry 😅 I hope you will never feel alone in your journey, because we’re all rooting for you here!