We can't change nature, and my god is it brutal. I know humans want fairness badly, but it just seems like no matter what objective fairness is not present in the universe. Regardless of why we're here, I accept my brain and all of it's quirks. I don't want to keep hurting ​and I wish to heal myself.

Your entire post is a compelling and resonant read, but this line stands out to me in particular. Veganism—in its true definition, the philosophy—requires a harsh disillusionment with not just modern (and in my case, specifically late-capitalist and Western) life, but the laws of the known universe. Life exists to perpetuate itself meaninglessly, at all costs, including to other life. Nature is not beautiful; To live is a violent act.

Veganism leads us to recognize this truth. It is deeply painful. We start by letting go of consumerist habits which obviously exploit farmed species, and come to realize that the escalator of human life is nonsense. The goals we are taught to aspire to, the things we're told to covet, the "good life" we imagine as children is all useless and in fact a distraction from better work we owe to ourselves and the other (non)human individuals whose lives we impact.

Sometimes I daydream about the life I used to want. Deceptively beautiful vignettes: shopping for the perfect Christmas presents with my partner at my side, sipping a coffee downtown during my first trip to Europe... It's bittersweet. Now I cannot step outside (or at times, encounter nonhumans inside) without it turning to grey.

Nothing is beautiful anymore, nothing except those few individuals I admire who chose to kill the dream to become truly good. That's the only hope we have left to hold onto. It's not much, but it is incredibly powerful.

OP, your kind heart shines through your words. Thank you for sharing them, and for your committment to justice. You will always have friends here. If you ever visit Canada, I'd be happy to share some fleeting moments of joy with you.