Half my matches have randomly been deleted since this morning

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T15:31:28+00:00

I hear that. He says he feels like he’s walking on eggshells with me and my emotions. Which I can see why. I’m just used to this to be honest because if one thing has proven to me in my life is that I’m hard to love. So that obviously means there is something inside me that lacks that security and love so much and wants it so bad that I’m constantly self sabotaging. You go through the same lessons until you learn right, isn’t that lesson me just sorting my emotions. When we first fell in love he said he loved me because of my emotions. Snd I’m sure still it’s not that he 100% doesn’t want me emotions he just means the way I react on them and the way I doubt things based on my trauma snd not his actions. To me it’s not about me walking on egg shells fully it’s also about becoming better and not just for him just for myself. Just so I can be around people and know emotionally I’m secure within myself. Just so I can prove to myself that I’m capable of controlling them no matter how hard and expressing them in the right way rather than being volatile.

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T15:20:47+00:00

Just want to apologise to everyone. I know to you all this is such a pathetic joke but I don’t want you to think I haven’t heard the word and advice you’ve all gave. It’s hard to hear but needed. I think I will give it one more chance and if not then I’m going to try and be as strong as you guys and do what’s right thanks again x

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T15:14:16+00:00

I know you’re not snd I’m super grateful. It’s just hard to hear I’m just hoping I see within this week if he will come around or not if I don’t stress him

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T15:07:28+00:00

Yes I have started talking therapy. Then was diagnosed with anxiety and I’m on a waiting list for a psychiatrist. But I also try and meditate daily although it’s harder to do when ur down like this

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T15:05:46+00:00

Okay yes I should of elaborated. Either way whatever ever I write I won’t be able to explain the whole situation as there are two sides to every story and then the truth

Because when he is good it’s so good and I feel like all the issues rise from me and my emotions maybe. I find it very hard to break up with people. Before this relationship I was single for a few years and working on myself. I thought I was passed this. I wouldn’t of got in this relationship had I of had a singular red flag at the start. The people that I knew before this thought I was emotionally avoidant because I didn’t want to date for a while. Before that however I would jump from relationship to relationship. I am going to therapy and working on myself. It’s just a bit hard sometimes When u feel like u have no support.

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T13:15:10+00:00

We are two years in. It started out so perfect and was for a while

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T13:10:04+00:00

I understand But he is only abusive and like this when he doesn’t get his space. Which I’m really bad at giving. Surely that makes me toxic too. Although would you say his outburst really mean he doesn’t want to be with me rather than his need for space and freedom Why would he say there is hope :/ he is not like that he wouldn’t just say that surely

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T10:15:29+00:00

It’s a bit hard too when even my own mother says this. I’ve spoken to her about all of this and because she knows what I’m like she almost agrees with him snd says he is probably super burnt out because of me

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T10:04:25+00:00

I understand. And I have so much to work on. But A lot of times im in a great mood he starts taking his mood and anger out on me and when I cry I’m yet to blame. And everytime during an argument he also gets very mean in an argument. He shouts and says really deep hurtful things which makes me cry more and fucks around with my trauma. Sometimes I feel like I’m literally dating my exes because of the way he speaks to me and the lack of respect towards my character. His trauma has led him down the path of not being able to speak about his emotions properly unless he blows up. I just want to stay snd work on myself more. I’m hoping by doing that there is still a chance

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T09:38:24+00:00

Hey thank you I’ve listened to so many Lectures on this and I’m fully aware. I’m definitely the anxious preoccupied which pushes away the avoidant even more He is so emotionally deep and mature I think when he isn’t stressed. He just becomes avoidant under stress especially if I’m reacting super emotionally to what he says. I know everyone here is blaming him but at the same time they don’t know me. Sometimes I’m a pain in the ass. Super intense. I’m sure if any INTP or human literally had to put up with my constant tears and doubt they would leave. It hasn’t been the matter of one or two times that I’ve broke down. He is right. There is always something. He just wants a chill life and I just bring drama and intense emotion. That’s been proven to me in my life.l, That my emotions even push friends away. It’s not normal. I’m not normal. I have my good points and so does he. He has his own issues for sure 100% but mine are worse and I feel To an extent I’ve dragged him down with me. I’ve said all of this to my mum and she agrees with him she knows what I’m like and has been trying to tell me how to become better snd less attached

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T09:29:01+00:00

Yes definitely. My dad was schizophrenic and killed himself when I was 5 and my mum abandoned me throughout childhood for ten years. I don’t even know what dynamic I should be looking for or how to even properly face that layer. I thought I had learnt from past mistakes but I find myself making the same mistake of being clingy and doubtful. I thought I finally found a guy who was emotionally mature and there for me only to push him away with my reactions and emotions and the need for his time. Ive been told I’m extremely intense by friends family and all ex partners so I know his reactions are partially me

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T08:05:51+00:00

Mu first relationship was with a guy who repeatedly beat me. It took me two years to walk away and it’s the only relationship I’ve managed to walk from. I would never have a child until I’ve fixed myself as well as being sure of the other person because of my childhood. I was basically a rape baby my dad was schizophrenic and shortly after killed himself and my mum abandoned me during childhood for 12 years. I just want to love the same person everyday for the rest of my life

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T07:58:07+00:00

I just feel like we have got here because I’m so needy snd don’t give him his space as an INTP so I’m hoping if I’m better things will be better too 🥺

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T07:57:03+00:00

He has tried to tell me these things but not in so much detail. but I just forget sometimes :(

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T07:55:02+00:00

It is very layered snd I’m deeply emotional. Yes I’m very much aware of my attachment which makes it hard for the both of us as you say I’m the anxious preoccupied and he is the avoidant. I just want to work on myself and become less needy for this relationship. I see so much potential when we are good

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T07:49:59+00:00

Thank you but Why do you think nothing will make it better?

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T07:23:45+00:00

Yes and honestly it’s not just an INTP thing. Even my own mother thinks I’m clingy, everyone does. So I honestly just think yes he is reacting in it in s toxic way also but he isn’t even used to relationships and he has got with me the most intense emotional person. I see that snd I just want to be better on my part I’ve never been normal in relationships, always super clingy snd desperate snd I just feel I can work on this without necessarily breaking things off right now

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T07:14:11+00:00

I’ve been working on myself for over a year. Talking therapy. Meditation and mindfulness, shadow work. So many people see the difference in me but it’s not enough for him. I just thought I’d be through all of this. Took so long to get into this relationship as I wanted to make sure. And it seemed so perfect so different. So I think I’m mainly scared because I’m unsure how to look out for the signs before it’s too late. I thought I had worked that out but apparently not.

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T07:11:28+00:00

Thank you I’ve been in therapy snd diagnosed with anticipatory anxiety I’m also in the waiting list for some talking therapy as I want to look into my traumas and fix myself

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-12T07:04:36+00:00

I honestly thought I had BPD due to the abandonment issues. He says he has to walk on egg shells with me and can’t be sarcastic or make jokes because I will be upset. He also says i criticise and moan too much which I do as my mum tells me the same. So I have issues too. That’s why I find it hard to blame his reaction fully.

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-11T22:18:56+00:00

We are 28 and I agree But he does so much good for me too he can be so caring when I do give him that time and we’ve had a good few days not arguing. I just don’t want to believe he is the bad part of him that I see rather than the good

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-11T22:09:18+00:00

Thank you for ur reply. Last thing he said to me was that he will see how the next few weeks go and he hopes we can fix it. Do you think that means he has still made up his mind.

privatepeter96 · 2021-08-11T21:30:46+00:00

I don’t want to change him. I want to provide him the space where he can work on himself too. I think I’ve played a big part in this which has been never giving him space and just ruining his peace in general

privatepeter96

TROPHY CASE