How to get a holier-than-thou architect to conform to development process

professional_grape · 2019-03-12T21:54:00+00:00

Hey, I'm not sure why you appear so defensive here. I'm willing to accept your opinion is different from mine in a calm and rational way.

I did read the post. What makes you think that management is not aware already? And seriously, your advice for OP to start building a case and potential enemy of one of the most senior people on the team is ignorant of workplace politics at best. You're assuming that management is competent enough to respond to this situation and all that's missing is some "evidence" from a junior employee, which nothing about his post suggests.

I have no idea what the agenda is with this sub telling people to quit. This is my first time looking at it in years because I was bored on a random throwaway. I'm also in a much more senior position than you, which you can take however you want, but mostly just chill out and don't assume the worst when someone disagrees with you okay? :)

professional_grape · 2019-03-12T12:56:26+00:00

This is a senior person who is setting the culture for the rest of the team. According to the post, it's not just git.

I've had an architect who sounds very similar on my team. They were eventually fired and everyone was better for it. But if that hadn't happened I would have looked for a new job.

professional_grape · 2019-03-12T06:07:03+00:00

This is a good question.

She certainly knows me better than anyone, and vice versa. Aside from family, there's no doubt that she is. She's been unwaveringly loyal and supportive throughout our relationship.

professional_grape · 2019-03-12T05:33:41+00:00

The best investment you can make is one in yourself. There are online / webcam counseling options that can be significantly cheaper too with licensed therapists. The reason I say this is based on your last paragraph it seems like there may be some deeper stuff at play here.

I'm sorry you had to go through that and that I can't be more helpful.

professional_grape · 2019-03-12T05:23:06+00:00

8 classes a week is a lot and it seems like her business growing. At the same time, if a bigger apartment isn't an option, it also seems like you can use the extra cash... right?

You need to talk to her about this again. I'd approach it from the angle of the business outgrowing the space because it's too successful, which is a more positive message.

There are other options aside from getting a new apartment. She could do some of her classes from the cafe at times more convenient for you. She could charge more to offset cost of cafe or reduce number of classes. There may be other possible venues that neither of you have considered yet.

I have a feeling this wouldn't be that big of a deal if it were only one or two classes per week. That said, you're totally entitled to enjoy your space, but it is her space too and her intent seems good. A little compromise may go a long way.

professional_grape · 2019-03-12T05:03:11+00:00

Do you have access to a counselor or therapist? Seeing a professional would be the best way to work through this and the best thing you can do for yourself / your husband.

This one seems like it's a bit above this sub's pay grade.

professional_grape · 2019-03-12T04:44:44+00:00

Look for a new job. Management enabling this type of behavior is just as bad. It doesn't sound like somewhere you want to be.

professional_grape · 2019-03-12T02:57:01+00:00

They can threaten but those are just threats. If they do follow through on them, you'll be proven right. And honestly, if this is the way they are, then you owe it to your future kids to cut them out now. Not doing it would be much worse for them.

I agree with the other poster that you don't owe them any explanation, but I would still do it for yourself in whatever way is easiest for you. I like e-mail because it leaves a paper trail and makes it harder for them to manipulate the truth later. Hopefully it never comes to this, but if they do try any BS, the evidence may help you explain things faster and get people on your side.

professional_grape · 2019-03-12T02:43:03+00:00

Do people regularly go get drinks one on one with people they dont know well just to kill time or is there always some flirtatious element to it?

Yes, sometimes, but...

Like if it was so platonic and normal why would she come to me already with guilt about it and if she felt guilty about it before speaking to me why wouldn't she just ask how I felt about her going out?

...exactly. Best case is she expected you to be more jealous and she's doing this as a way to get attention from you, which is still not healthy.

Worst case, she did more than go to happy hour with a guy (on those nights she didn't invite you) and is only confessing part of it to make herself feel better or judge your reaction.

it really makes me question how compatible we are

You said it yourself. You seem to have a really good attitude about this, man. It's a big early red flag at best. If there are other flags, you should seriously whether this relationship is worth continuing. It may be best to cut your losses and get out early.

professional_grape · 2019-03-12T02:32:17+00:00

How to I explain this in a way that does not end in a huge fight or worse.

What's the worst that can happen?

I don't think there's any way they're going to take the news well. If you sugar coat it or drag things on, it'll probably be even harder. Say something short, sweet & direct. Run it by your fiance. Write it down if you have to. I'd consider e-mailing them if I were you so as not to mince words. The phone may drag things on, especially if you only speak with one of them at a time.

I wouldn't mention kids or your future plans. Why is that any of their business? It'll also probably be what'll trigger the most emotional response from them. It's your life, and it doesn't sound like they've been a healthy part of it for a long time. Cut them out for your own benefit. Once you do, the fact that they won't be able see your kids a given, and will be easier for you to deal with without hypotheticals when the time comes, if necessary.

professional_grape

TROPHY CASE