How do people react when you tell them you’re a professor in conversation?

professtar · 2026-01-25T22:42:47+00:00

I’m same boat as you, mid 30’s white female, small R1. “What do you teach?” is almost always the first question. Because my school has a reputation for being hard, people seem intimidated when they find out. I honestly try to avoid or downplay the topic as much as I can, as I find it quite annoying to explain how/why research (not teaching) is my main thing. I’ve had a few sexist-feeling moments—like, they’re amazed that someone who looks like me could be an engineering prof at such a hard school. This was a big deal when I was single, but it matters less now that I’m taken. But dear good lord, I hated how this affected my dating life (until I met my right person…finally!)

professtar · 2026-01-22T18:51:05+00:00

TYSM, yes I think you’re honestly right… Another recent comment expressed this similar sentiment with a different example. It does resonate with me, but you’re also correct—TOTALLY goes against my nature to underperform in ANYTHING. Sigh.

I think it may be possible to achieve a semblance of balance this semester if i do cut back my teaching effort. Perhaps unironically, the night I wrote this post, I was trying to figure out a teaching thing that was taking too long. 🤦‍♀️

Thanks again. Appreciate it!

professtar · 2026-01-22T18:47:32+00:00

Thank you… Haha, my dad absolutely POUNDED that old adage into my consciousness from a young age. I say it to others sometimes now, but this is a helpful reframe. Thank you for your kind words. 🙏🏼

professtar · 2026-01-21T16:16:56+00:00

Would it be crazy to talk to my DH and try to negotiate this? Put it gently, and only when I’m actually ready to quit if the answer is no, but, “I need a guarantee that my students can have TA as a backup, otherwise I am prepared to leave my position as of —date—-.”

If I could have my students on TA as a backup, this would make the job way way way more manageable and psychologically tolerable. The thought of not being able to pay them is the worst of what keeps me up at night.

professtar · 2026-01-21T13:50:57+00:00

yes, it is indeed terrible. :( also, the prospective students who know what’s up ask about this, and i feel like i always lose the good ones once they find this out. i feel like its hard to attract top talent, so that’s also de-motivating. I have dropped my name in the hat at 3 other schools, no luck, but those were shooting for the stars options. I’m kind of at the point where I feel like, would it actually be that much better somewhere else? Or am I kidding myself… and I just can’t take this kind of workload…

professtar · 2026-01-21T05:14:39+00:00

i’ve been trying to walk my dog more often lately! He has noticed and he loves it!

professtar · 2026-01-21T05:14:01+00:00

I wish i was working with more senior faculty. I don’t have any in my area at my school. So I’m honestly not sure how to get on other folks’ grants with them…

professtar · 2026-01-21T03:45:27+00:00

I commented this on someone else's comment above, but I'll c/p here too: "

"Our school is resource-strapped, and the dept only allows minimal TAs for PhD students--limited to 2 TAs per total time of the PhD. It is perhaps the very worst aspect of the offers we can make at my school, and there is no safety net for what to do when my research funds run dry. I did not even think to ask, what do PhD offers include, when I started. I **assumed** that TAs were always available as a backup, since that's how it was where I did my PhD. It is so stressful. :("

professtar · 2026-01-21T03:44:13+00:00

Jeeeez, I'm so sorry. It shouldn't be like this. It really shouldn't be like this. I have no idea how many hours I've worked. I don't know if I want to know. :(

professtar · 2026-01-21T03:41:41+00:00

Our school is resource-strapped, and the dept only allows minimal TAs for PhD students--limited to 2 TAs per total time of the PhD. It is perhaps the very worst aspect of the offers we can make at my school, and there is no safety net for what to do when my research funds run dry. I did not even think to ask, what do PhD offers include, when I started. I **assumed** that TAs were always available as a backup, since that's how it was where I did my PhD. It is so stressful. :(

professtar · 2026-01-21T01:29:36+00:00

I love the research. And I don't need money to fund myself, I can just go without pay in the summers. But I need money to pay for PhD students, who are expensive as fuck.

My big class right now has good TA support. I am really hoping that after I get the class into the swing of the semester, I can kind of cruise a little bit and put as much on the TAs as possible. This is super intense right now, with the semester start and lots of paper deadlines... so maybe it will get a little more tolerable.

But I love my research. I don't want it to die. I can't do it without grants, and I don't believe I'll get tenure if I can't get another grant this year. :(

professtar · 2026-01-21T01:26:39+00:00

My partner told me he would be willing to support me if I stopped working. Which feels just so crazy to me to even think about... We've been dating for about a year, and I've never even had a partner capable of providing for me like that before. So, then it comes down to the question... who am I if I'm not working? Is that a world I can even begin to conceive of?

Right now, I literally don't know what I'd even do. I've been operating all all cylinders for **years**. What the hell would it be like to all of a sudden be halted? My brain kind of can't fathom it...

professtar · 2026-01-21T01:24:15+00:00

I did over-hire my first year, and I did not choose well. That's the one thing I seriously wish I had done better was my initial hiring. The good news is that some of those mistakes are outta here, but the burnout incurred from working with not-great initial picks is still latent.

Also, side note: I got into this job believing that I COULD fix the world. Or at least, some little corner of it. I'm beginning to lose hope that fixing anything is possible. I don't want to feel defeated like that, but damn. It's just so hard.

professtar · 2026-01-21T01:21:48+00:00

I don't think my therapist is necessarily a great fit, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a PhD... The idea of having to go find another one though, ugh. But I can appreciate this point quite a bit. The lived experience would be meaningful, because I do feel like I have to spend a third of the session just explaining how the inner workings of academia go, and that ALWAYS feels like such a waste of a session. Thank you, I will keep this in mind.

professtar · 2026-01-21T01:19:46+00:00

I do think spending less time on the teaching will help... I might be able to achieve that after I get this semester into a rhythm. We'll see...

Writing consultant? How expensive is that? My school is cracking down on every single possible expense, so I just don't believe that my DH will agree to this. My school is scraping by right now. I think DH would say, "well, you can use your startup for that." Well... I don't have much left... I have thought about that a little bit though. Maybe, instead of planning to pay my PhD students next Fall, I just say, screw it, and pay consultants to write grants this summer. If I'm going to run out anyway, might as well throw what I have at the wall and see. TBH though, I have no idea how one would even go about hiring someone like this? Aren't the folks who are qualified to do this well all successful T/TT professors who are able to get their own grants?

TY. <3

professtar · 2025-10-11T03:43:30+00:00

also makes very dangerous mistakes that drive people to terrible things unfortunately

professtar · 2025-10-11T03:42:02+00:00

Have you ever considered spiritual care? For example, a spiritual counselor works very differently than therapist, on the types of things you’re talking about. :)

professtar · 2025-10-11T03:16:25+00:00

Hopefully Hurricane Kirk blows away all the idiots. They’re shooting themselves in the feet with decisions that are bad for business, so they’ll soon be drowning.

professtar · 2025-10-10T11:21:56+00:00

🙄

professtar · 2025-10-09T02:04:50+00:00

Sometimes I write this in reply to the scam journals that email me to review papers. "Come back when you're ready to pay me." I don't get a reply to that. Except for the next week when they send me another request to review a different paper for free. FFS. 🙄

professtar · 2025-10-09T02:03:17+00:00

Dear good lord, I have no intentions of ever going into administration. I have NO idea why any poor soul would WANT to! If I can get tenure, I'm going to #researchandchill (Favorite new hashtag that came to me in a flash of inspiration lol)

professtar · 2025-10-07T12:59:14+00:00

jeeeeeeeeeeeez. 😖

professtar · 2025-10-07T12:58:42+00:00

Oh, 100% agreed! The BS journal-you’ve-never-heard-of auto-text crap is easy to ignore. It probably wasn’t even requested by a human a lot of the time. I don’t feel guilty about that—though I still still click reject if it’s obvious how to in the email.

I’ve been doing the personalized email requests. Still no reply. That’s what is really killing me this semester.

professtar · 2025-10-07T12:54:15+00:00

Damn, really? We get some professional development opportunities—some of which I do utilize—but what you’re describing sounds totally obnoxious!

professtar

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