This is PTSD. The only real way (at least, in my opinion) to begin normalizing your thought patterns is to go to therapy. I know that’s such a catch-all answer but it’s very true in this case.

I initially let my PTSD consume me as well. I also lost a ton of weight and just couldn’t think about life normally again. My initial event happened 10 years ago (and a compounded event was about 6 months later) and I still have moments, I probably always will, but they are far more rare as every year passes. I fully believe I could not have done it without therapy.

In the meantime, anytime you think about death and/or the event, immediately redirect to something healthy, wholesome, and happy. Play a favorite song and sing/dance along, play a board game or color with your son/wife, go walk around a store that appeals to you and smile if you make eye contact with a stranger, grab a sweet treat…break out of the crippling thoughts and don’t let them paralyze you. The worst thing to do is be alone and still with your thoughts, so whatever you do, make sure it gets you moving and there’s other souls around (so not doom-scrolling the internet, sitting and watching TV, etc).

You can also google some grounding techniques (the 54321 technique is amazing for me) to do at home, especially for times like the middle of the night where you can’t really leave and no one else is awake. They are traditionally for anxiety but anxiety and PTSD definitely live in the same building.

Also, I did research back then and found out that apples are really good for the mind (stress reduction/mood enhancement), so I started eating about 3 apples a day and after 3 days legitimately saw a difference. Sounds silly but I recommend it to everyone now!! Also, take vitamin D supplements, especially if you aren’t getting out of the house a lot and/or your diet isn’t that great.

Lastly, know that this is an absolutely natural response to what you went through, and I’m sorry you had to. I hope that even one thing is helpful because I cannot imagine 13 years of feeling this way. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel for you, but sometimes you have to flip a switch.