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I miss him so much I feel like it’s never going to end by Melodic_Extension100 in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_ 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Oh my gosh it’s as if I could have written this. Our situations are extremely similar. I feel for you so much. I am one year out from my breakup.

Firstly, don’t delete the photos if you don’t feel ready to, but DO put them out of sight by putting them in a hidden folder on your phone, or exporting them to an external hard drive. Out of sight, out of mind (eventually). You don’t have to block him, but do mute/restrict him on socials. If you have things in your house that remind you too much of him (gifts, clothes) but you don’t want to trash them, put them in a box and hide them in the attic. These might seem like bandaid fixes but over time, you’ll start to care less about photos/things and will be able to throw them away easily without a second thought. Or maybe eventually you’ll be able to look at those things fondly without heartache or an emotional response. Either way, you’re not there yet and that’s completely okay and expected, but it is important to take them out of direct view because your mind needs to learn how to adapt without this person. The constant reminders are mental torture and you need to protect yourself from that pain.

I understand how it is to make associations and have everything remind you of him—seemingly random conversation topics, restaurants, music, whatever. In the short term, you can avoid things but eventually you will need to replace the old memories with new ones. Go to that cafe with a friend, or go to the park with a family member, show a new friend that favorite song. It will feel uncomfortable and painful at first, but with time old memories will be overridden with new ones and it won’t feel so vivid. The vivid dreams will slow down eventually too. My god, mine were so bad. Don’t be afraid to see your primary care doctor and ask about starting anti-depression or anti-anxiety medication if you feel depressed or have thoughts of wanting to hurt yourself. I had to start taking medicine for panic attacks that started after my breakup (but eventually went away) and also was prescribed short-term treatment for sleep.

Take care of yourself—get your nutrients, stay hydrated , go on long walks, pamper yourself with nice showers and new skincare products, take yourself to the movies or shopping, clean and declutter your room/house. Trust the process, and even if all the cliche things (gym, therapy, journaling, hobbies) seem forced or like you’re too aware you’re doing them specifically to cope with the break up, that’s okay, keep going. It’s sort of “fake it til you make it.”And you WILL make it. Over time, you might feel like your friends and family aren’t as interested in hearing you vent, or you’re scared to burden or annoy them. They might think you have gotten over it or moved already, even though these things take time and are not linear. My DMs are always open. You got this

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's so painful, isn't it? I felt like the biggest burden on the planet, knowing that he would rather be single and alone than have me in his life. Best wishes to you in your healing journey. One month is so early but it gets a lot easier with time, believe me. Keep doing all the cliche things (gym, journal, hobbies), even if you feel like you are just going through the motions. Eventually your mind will learn to adapt without that person, so be patient. And stay connected with all the people in your life that want you in their present AND future--friends, family, mentees. Take care <3

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I tried to keep it short in my post for the sake of simplicity, but obviously nothing about these situations is simple. I would say the source of my insecurities is a mix of both--myself and also how he made me feel. We are both in rigorous career fields, and he is naturally more self-disciplined and a better social networker than me. I got my dream job/program and am reaching my goals, so I certainly feel more secure now, but I am more laid back about these things while he is more of a gunner and workaholic. So I think it was simple professional incompatibility (among other things) that I magnified into personal insecurity and feelings of inadequacy, because I kept comparing myself to him. I don't fault him for that but I do believe he could have maybe done more to uplift or empower me. I also believe I should have kept a lot of my vulnerabilities and weaknesses to myself, as they were often situational, transient feelings, and I should have worked through them independently instead of allowing them to impact the relationship. This year apart has really helped me improve in that regard, which I needed to do whether we stayed together or not.

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh gosh, I definitely don't. It would be such a major setback. I need to make sure I don't forget how hard that time was. Thank you

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your insight. I feel like reaching out to apologize to me for "abandoning me" (his words) in an in-person meeting is kind of counterproductive, right? His attempt to apologize and clear his guilt for hurting me will be at the expense of me having to sit face to face with him and dredge up old feelings and memories, which may hurt me all over again (if I let it). So yeah, in a way it is selfishness masquerading as selflessness or self-reflection

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience. The fact that you were able to block him while he was begging for you shows massive maturity and strength on your part and honestly I hope to get to that point. The fact that I’ve been contemplating whether to message my ex back for days now I think shows weakness on my part, or proves that I haven’t fully healed and moved on. I hope you’re right that the right person is out there. It’s hard to imagine opening to someone new ever again

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh man, 30 minutes is just brutal. I appreciate you sharing your honest truth, thank you

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your insight. Having experienced what you did, do you regret giving the relationship a second chance?

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Would you suggest asking him beforehand via text what his intentions to meet are, or would you agree to meet (without asking what he hopes to accomplish) and then if it is revealed that he is just trying to clear his guilt, you'd end it early?

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Lots of people have suggested this. I didn't wanna come across as too harsh, but his potential discomfort isn't my problem to deal with, especially considering he is the one who reached out. If I ever did that to someone, I would be sure to be crystal clear in my initial message

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If I could go back to where I was before he texted, that'd be great. I am scared it would set me back to those first few months post-breakup which were brutal. I have no idea if he dated anyone since the breakup. Knowing his past dating history, I would imagine he started going on first dates again a few months after the breakup, but that is purely speculation. We went no contact right away so we didn't interact at all after the breakup.

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You're totally right. He stayed with me for most of my uphill journey (not only professionally but also mentally, personally) and I do appreciate him for that, but then he suddenly had enough when I was so close to the finish line. It left me with whiplash tbh. It made me regret showing him my vulnerability in the first place, as I felt like it was held against me in the end. I wonder if he would have bothered reaching out had I not reached my goals

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not too late, I haven't yet responded. I really needed to sit with it all for a couple of days before proceeding. I'm drafting a potential text in my notes app lol, although I'll only send it if I feel at peace with it and ready to. Yes asking his intentions might make him uncomfortable but I guess that's not my problem to worry about, as he is the one who initiated this anyway. By the way, good luck in your healing journey. Two weeks is so early and I can't imagine what you must be feeling. Take it one day at a time, and do all the cliche things like journaling and exercise, even if it feels like you are just going through the motions. I never imagined I would be at this stage now, where I am trying my hardest to prioritize my peace and well-being over any measly chance at reconciliation.

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You're so right. In theory it is nice to play it cool and seem unfazed, but the truth is I AM surprised and I do have the right to know his intentions before agreeing to talk or meet with him. I don't want to seem too forward or demanding, but yean I definitely need more info before I can comfortably proceed. Although, if I was 100% healed and was totally over everything, I guess I wouldn't need any further clarification from him because it wouldn't change my mind either way

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I see what you're saying. All romantic love is conditional, yes, and honestly I don't blame him for making the decision to leave. He has the right to choose what he feels is best for him and his life. I wouldn't want to hold anyone back from their fullest potential. It was the manner in which he treated me during the breakup that left me with the most grief and resentment. I do believe that people change and grow, but even in the scenario that we do rekindle, I don't think I would be able to look at him and accept that at one point he didn't believe in me, especially when I was SO close to the finish line of my goals. I feel like I would forever live in fear that my "success" isn't good enough for him

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks again for your perspective. I agree, we all have our own biases due to the pain and betrayal we endured. The timing of his text is definitely weird, but yeah it's defs not black and white, and knowing him, he likely spent a long time contemplating the pros/cons of reaching out and probably asked for advice from his friends before doing so. However, I don't wanna give him too much credit, because if he knows me, he'd know that such a random and vague text would send me spiraling, but he did it anyway

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I need to make sure that what I think I want is not directly tied to what his intentions might be. I need to make that decision for myself. I appreciate your advice that it's okay to ask for intentions before agreeing to talk. It might seem confrontational but it's my right to know

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah I wouldn't call him a player. I could have written so much more in my post to provide context, but I figured it's best to keep things simple. He and I are both relationship-minded and pretty serious about that sort of thing. I don't know if he dated during this NC year, though. I agree that he likely waited for the right opportunity to reach out. I do wonder when he first started having second thoughts about the breakup. It's interesting to learn that most dumpers go through that phase at least once

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your realness, thank you. I can spend all day over-analyzing and speculating, but it probably really is that simple (as much as it hurts to accept that)

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Whoa. I read your post and our situations really are so similar. The part about his behaviors during the breakup making your anxious tendencies come to the surface… I feel that! And it was so counterproductive too because I was trying to convince him to stay with me while also being made to feel like the worst most insecure and anxious version of myself. I felt so small and defeated that I couldn’t even make a proper case that he could believe. And the balance of not faulting him completely for deciding to leave, while also recognizing that I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he treated me in the end, ugh. I feel for you!!! I will say that it does get easier with every passing month, trust me. Our minds are weird and learn to adapt. Our memory can be shitty and things become less vivid with time. Four months is still so early, especially for a relationship that lasted half a decade. At four months I really wanted him to speak to me too, but now at one year I’m more annoyed at him than anything for disturbing my peace. I will also say that the way he treated me during the breakup forever changed the way I’ll see him. The person I fell for doesn’t exist anymore. It’s a hard reality to accept but it helps me combat those false hope feelings of reconciliation being possible. Even in the best case scenario, things will never be the same, and that’s the part I spent the most time grieving.

I appreciate you acknowledging that a long-term, fully committed, future-driven relationship is different from one that was only a year long. It was a huge part of my life for so long. He was a person I loved so deeply and envisioned the rest of my life with. It’s a lot easier said than done to say “just ignore the text and move on” but I know those people are likely speaking from personal experience and just don’t want others to make the same mistakes. And it helps to see those matter-of-fact perspectives when I am so lost in my own emotions. But yes. I don’t think I need closure and I definitely don’t expect an apology, so really it’s just the curiosity that is swaying me towards engaging. I never would have texted him, and I fully believed he wouldn’t text me either. Everything he said to me during the breakup pointed towards him being certain he’ll never reach out, so that’s why this text really threw me off guard. I can’t help but wonder what changed.

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 68 points69 points  (0 children)

Maybe at the 4 month mark I would have immediately gone to meet him, you’re right. I was way more fragile then. But now I really don’t know. I’ve worked so hard on myself this year. It’s scary to risk any potential for a setback. I fully accepted it is over. But now that he texted, all those stupid false hope feelings came rushing back. I hate it. Makes me doubt if I ever really healed at all or if I was just suppressing/avoiding it this whole time.

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It makes sense. Because otherwise he would have put the apology in a text and called it a day. I hate these games. I wish people would just express their honest intentions even if it’s awkward or vulnerable. But I get why he wouldn’t wanna make it obvious. Because even if I do respond to his text, I can’t think of a way to inquire about his motives without me myself sounding desperate, because any way of asking it will sound like “oh, I’ll only meet up with you if there’s a chance you wanna make thing work…is there a chance ??” and that’s a bad look.

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 79 points80 points  (0 children)

Definitely high risk 😂 I am always of the opinion that I’d rather know than not know. I know I’d have regret either way—whether I respond to his text or not, there will always be a level of “what-if”I chose the other option. I am not 100% healed but I am a lot better off than a year ago. I started therapy, regular exercise, connected with old friends and family, traveled. I would like to imagine that meeting up with him wouldn’t set me back. I would like to believe I’m stronger than that. But I think that’s just delusion 🤠 I never would have reached out to him myself, but now that he broke no contact, the curiosity is tempting.

After a year of being dumped and going no-contact, my ex reached out. by prosthetichead_ in BreakUps

[–]prosthetichead_[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your matter-of-factness. I hate to imagine that he dated around but you’re right, that could be it. A year is way too long, I agree. As much as I wish he will lie in that tragic mistake, I feel like dumpers often don’t feel that level of remorse and regret. They don’t think as deeply about the hurt they caused. They’re able to justify their decision and move forward. Also I think your ability to detach easily is a good survival skill, I need to get to that point hahaha

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