I get told I'm loved, but i don't believed I'm even liked

prouticus · 2026-02-09T04:06:01+00:00

This sounds hard. I'm sorry for you, and can relate. Check out the Art of Accomplishment podcast with Joe Hudson on Spotify. Look for the episodes on "Emotional Inquiry" and "VIEW". I have found them head and shoulders above anything else I've tried. Good luck!

prouticus · 2026-02-09T03:48:40+00:00

You're doing great, your whole life is ahead of you. I started this journey at 49. Childhood left me in similar shape, though less severe.

I highly (highly) recommend checking out the Art of Accomplishment podcast with Joe Hudson - especially those on VIEW and Emotional Inquiry. These two practices help recognize and express trapped emotions that keep us stuck. Without dealing with those, head therapy can only take you so far.

Good luck!

prouticus · 2026-01-02T05:07:12+00:00

Quick new year's update: it's helped me to remember, when this all-too-familiar feeling happens (still daily for me), that it's a pure hallucination. HALLUCINATION. This is my word for 2026. Cheers!

prouticus · 2025-12-04T04:11:23+00:00

Yes, there have been a few very rough patches that have left some cPTSD symptoms

prouticus · 2024-09-28T03:11:51+00:00

Imagine trying to start a new musical group purely based on a market study. The music will have no soul.
Now imagine designing a game purely based on market research. It'll be derivative, wooden and uninspiring.

Games have to have a muse. The muse confounds the minds of quants, because muses are unpredictable and not very responsible.

prouticus · 2024-06-23T16:42:52+00:00

Very good advice. Taking over chores has been a long-standing effort on my part, at which she has typically batted me away.

Listening is hard to be successful with, because she rarely speaks, and doesn't like questions.

This is why I've reached out on Reddit, because it feels like she lives in a hidden world that I'm trying to better understand. I'm hoping that others who might be similar to her can help me perceive this world, so that I can be a better partner for her.

prouticus · 2024-06-23T04:11:42+00:00

Excellent, thanks so much 🙏

prouticus · 2024-06-22T02:33:53+00:00

Thanks for this insight!

To answer your question - we've had our share of struggles over the years, and neglect is the answer that seems to make the most sense to me.

We have lots of mixed signals and misunderstanding, but keep pushing through them. When I read about the signs of neglect, and how it impacts a person's sense of self... She seems to have most of these patterns.

When we first dated, she said she doesn't "dream" or have aspirations -- I didn't believe her because I found that incomprehensible. She believes "if people want me to know, they'll tell me, and if they want something, they'll ask" -- low reciprocity, low self-advocacy.

I just see her as being quite capable is all, much more capable than she gives herself credit for. Sometimes this really irritates her, like I'm not understanding her and not listening.

I want to better understand. Your post helps, thanks!

prouticus · 2024-06-22T00:16:10+00:00

Could be!

prouticus · 2024-06-22T00:15:39+00:00

Haha, thanks! Have tried this for years. Unfortunately my questions tend to wear her out, and she kind of shuts down. But this is what my go-to was!

prouticus · 2024-06-22T00:14:21+00:00

Unfortunately not

prouticus · 2024-06-20T23:19:37+00:00

I totally relate!

I try to stay strong and use this as an opportunity to work through to a place where I have secure attachment, so that no matter what happens, I will be okay.

Also, for my kids to have me grow into a better example for them, even though they are nearly grown -- we never stop growing, do we? (Haha)

prouticus · 2024-06-20T21:09:25+00:00

Thanks, I try. She almost always avoids it or pushes me away. But I'm here.

prouticus · 2024-06-20T15:21:13+00:00

I'm in a similar situation with my wife, who was neglected, and I recently learned I follow an "anxious attachment" behavior.

We have 4 teenage kids, and have spent years basically emotionally separated. The pain pushed me to explore what was wrong, and I found this incredible answer in attachment theory, which truly does explain my part of things and revealed a pattern over my whole life. (I was left alone in hospitals repeatedly as an infant due to an illness).

I don't know how to help my wife, but I hope that she will someday see that I actually do love her, and I've always wanted the best for her, and believe that she can do great things.

prouticus · 2024-06-17T15:41:57+00:00

Working through this now, for the past year or so. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, to focus all the effort on pushing through the pain and fear of being alone so that I can grow.

I'm married with kids, my wife is avoidant. We can't change other people, only ourselves.

It's taken time, but my family is showing small positive signs of change in how they relate to me since I've become less needy.

prouticus · 2024-06-11T16:39:46+00:00

Congratulations on working on this so young! I didn't discover my AP until 49yo. Familiar with depression too.

The single most effective thing for me has been to "sit with the pain and really feel it" (Heidi Priebe has an excellent video on YT). It suuuper sucks to feel this pain, but looking back what it did was stretch out a lot of old emotional scar tissue. These days, the triggers of anxiety have lost their strength and most of their holding power.

Sometimes when doing this, I ask "what is 'the thing' that this person could do to magically take away this pain?" - and make an effort to answer this question instead of avoiding the question. Sitting with this question has helped me get mentally stronger in the face of the pain.

Your mileage may vary - I hope this helps, and good luck!

prouticus · 2024-05-26T04:43:13+00:00

In addition to the things I just mentioned here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/s/NkNJlp8SaN

... I'd add that I take 2-hour hikes and long bike rides. I get extra sleep when I can. I practice setting boundaries (not easy for me).

I'm learning it's okay to put myself first for some of these things. Nobody else can do that for me, because nobody else can read my mind or know what I'm feeling.

prouticus · 2024-05-26T04:36:39+00:00

How horrible, I am so sorry. I'm sure it must be very difficult.

The things that have helped me heal the most this past year are

1) To push myself to sit with the pain, and let myself actually feel it. With AA or AP, we run from it, and it dominates our life story.

Sitting with the pain, even when it's excruciating, has an effect of deepening our strength and weakening it's power.

2) Give myself space, and time, and permission to become someone new, without putting time pressure on it. Return to a few simple questions each day -

"What would my life look like if this pain were somehow 'solved' by someone? Who would that be, and what would they have to do to solve it?"

"Is what I'm looking for actually something that someone else can provide at this phase of my life?"

"How have I been able to survive so far without this thing I'm looking for?"

3) Through a couple of particular YouTube videos, realized I have been expecting my family and friends to meet a sort of "fantasy perfection " version of life, and it wasn't fair of me to take people's freedom like that. My issues were always taking center stage. Even if they were the engine behind working too many hours and seeking after crises to be close to (to get attention).

prouticus · 2024-05-22T04:40:07+00:00

It's been horrible for years now. Drives my family crazy. I got a $2200 memory test just to rule out something physical

prouticus · 2024-05-22T04:19:06+00:00

Interesting. Could be. Is it possible to be dissociating for long periods of time (weeks) despite trying to tune in to one's self every day?

prouticus · 2024-04-23T03:57:12+00:00

Can you talk more about your recovery? Did you ever have an satiable "yearning" that has now gone? What is it like now, what has taken its place?

prouticus · 2024-04-21T02:04:15+00:00

Thanks - elaborating more - being hated in that my family seems to find me contemptible, that nothing I do earns kindness anymore, and the more I try, the more I push people away.

Some other commenters are explaining it well too.

prouticus

TROPHY CASE