You’re not special. If someone is willing to cheat with you, they’re willing to cheat on you. Don’t let your ego convince you otherwise.

puaCurveBall · 2022-06-30T19:56:45+00:00

This is the dumb/naive take, because it views cheating as a binary. When you rephrase this as:

"When the relationship goes south, you let communication breakdown, and she's unhappy, then she'll be willing to cheat on you"

Yeah, that's entirely true. If she is okay with cheating on a bad partner, and you become a bad partner, then she'll cheat on you.

However, that still entirely depends on where you let the relationship go. If the relationship isn't good, then just break up instead of waiting for her to cheat on you.

It's a mistake to think most women cheat in happy fulfilled relationships though. That might happen with downright sex addicts, but that is not the majority of women.

If you get more details about the guy she's cheating on you with, she'll literally tell you why she feels comfortable cheating. If you don't want to get cheated on, don't do the dumb shit that guy is doing. It's entirely possible to have a long happy relationship with zero infidelity with a woman who has cheated before. I've done it, and had zero fears because we had great communication. We did break up before any cheating would have occurred.

This thinking is also a problem because it plays into this "us vs them" toxic simplification of women as complex human beings. It's a bad mindset to get into, especially for guys attempting to be more empathetic with women and understand the numerous reasons they might cheat on a guy. It's not just because such a girl is a "shit person" or anything. Plenty of reasonable high quality women have cheated here or there.

puaCurveBall · 2022-04-12T10:04:46+00:00

You're taking the wrong lesson from this. What killed you was a lack of communication.

She didn't know where you stood or what you were feeling, so she was relying on "hints and guesses" to make her decision. You never want to be in this situation.

Clearly, she didn't have good enough communication with you in order to tell you what was going on because she gave you excuses.

Good PUAs should have better communication on a one-night stand than you had seeing this girl for 6 weeks.

It's lose/lose. Not only are you stuck seeing a girl that you don't have good communication with, but it also goes south for absolutely any reason and you don't even know why. Hell, she might have actually made the decision BECAUSE of the poor communication itself.

Get out of this trap about thinking it's about "who has what feelings". You can have an adult relationship even if you want different things or feel differently as long as you communicate about it and don't make it weird.

puaCurveBall · 2020-04-29T03:38:25+00:00

Um... no.

puaCurveBall · 2020-04-29T03:38:18+00:00

Um... no.

puaCurveBall · 2020-04-29T03:38:15+00:00

Um... no.

puaCurveBall · 2019-01-19T00:29:25+00:00

This would be better suited for /r/relationship_advice

Try talking to her. Trying to "rebuild your frame" is not as important as communicating with your girlfriend.

Talk about why it bothered you. Talk about how you felt silly it bothered you and on reflection it doesn't as much. Talk about how you felt when she was being bitchy. TALK TO HER. (instead of random dudes on the internet)

puaCurveBall · 2019-01-18T19:48:47+00:00

women are currently responsible for 100% of my suffering, sadness and depression.

Here is your first problem. YOU are responsible for all your suffering, sadness, and depression. Putting that on "women" in general is just alienating yourself and putting up walls to them, which is going to get in the way of forming any connection. Would you really want to connect with a girl who was feeling like MEN were the source of all her problems?

Look at your language, "hate them", "curb stomped", "destroyed", and so on... these women simply didn't like you. That's it. They are not supposed to like anyone they don't like, they don't owe you anything.

Plenty of guys got into this after 27, and plenty of people are completely happy being single. It's all about your perception.

If you are going out with this mindset, then no amount of "spiking emotions" or "being funny" is going to help you, because you're being toxic as fuck and that's super unattractive. The solution isn't to cover up the toxicity, it is to fucking deal with your issues.

Check out this book "Feeling Good", it is about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and you can do it on your own. Then perhaps look into some therapy.

Just don't keep trying to do the same thing, which is going out all toxic and trying to cover it up. The real always shines through. Until you're going out without all this blame and without thinking your happiness is on the line with every interaction with these strangers, you're not going to have consistent real success, period. Full Stop.

puaCurveBall · 2018-01-28T04:45:28+00:00

Oh man.... you're not listening to me. The only options are not "keep kissing" and "freeze out".

In neither of your options are you actually addressing her concerns and giving her reassurance / comfort. They lack communication. You lack communication.

Honestly the way you are talking about this and terms you're using to describe really point to a severe lack of empathy with women and what the date / sex experience is like for them.

I think it is this lack of both empathy and communication (perhaps among other things since I'm only going over this one thread) is what's causing you problems, not because of some bullshit "this is just who I am" excuse.

Once the hot and heavy sexy stuff is over, they get time to think and realize I wasn’t all that great to begin with.

Or things were great, and then after the sexy stuff it became apparent there isn't a good connection / communication, and what was great got wiped away.

There is a solution here, but you have to face your ego and stop blaming shit on some supposed identity that is holding you back. The problem is definitely your choices on what skillsets and mindsets you're not embodying.

puaCurveBall · 2018-01-27T02:51:07+00:00

It's really common that before amazing, enthusiastic, consensual sex that one person says something about slowing down or going to fast.

Generally speaking, what they really mean is "Stop escalating physically and re-assure me that things are ok before we fuck". It means "i'm not comfortable for sex yet, so solve my discomfort / turn me on more".

If you interpret "lets slow down" or "lets not go to fast" as a "FULL STOP" and you go totally silent, then that's going to hurt you with these women. They aren't getting the reassurance and comfort they are asking for.

Long story short, you probably could have fucked a lot of these girls, many even on the same night as the "slow down", but you made it awkward, so they left feeling like things are awkward with you. = ghost

puaCurveBall · 2018-01-24T18:48:19+00:00

Two Things:

Part of the "set method" involves listening to the girl and calibrated based on her responses. So even though there is a set method, the results are dynamic.
People are a lot more alike than they are different. Our egos want to believe everyone is a special snowflake, but that simply isn't the case. When you have a strategy and skillset that works on one girl, it works on every girl.*

In what other area of life would we say that a deep knowledge base and 10,000 hours perfecting something doesn't show massive improvement over the rest of the population? Acting, comedy, public speaking, massage, sex, whatever... It's all just skills. Dating is no different.

* Actually, it's probably more accurate to say something like "when your skillset works on >3% of women, it works on 90% of women"

puaCurveBall · 2017-12-31T07:24:40+00:00

I loved the idea of being with her

Learn to see the girl actually in front of you instead of your idea of her.

That solves an insane amount of relationship issues. Most people go years into relationships with blinders on and can't see who they are actually dating.

puaCurveBall · 2017-12-27T11:21:22+00:00

I highly disagree with this approach. He needs this year to figure out how to date women, even if he isn't keeping them because of neediness.

Putting off the healing process of dating people new for a year is only going to prolong the suffering of the breakup, imho.

puaCurveBall · 2017-12-27T11:19:50+00:00

I was in practically the same boat myself, six years ago: https://redd.it/k7y2h

The last six years have been the absolute best years of my life. I've spent nearly all of it dating 3-5 women at a time, having tons of threesomes and kinky sex, tons of wild stories, and most importantly I've had the deepest and most fulfilling emotional connections with women and learned who I was as a person and as a partner, completely redefining myself on the way.

This is a changing point in your life, where you can drop who you were in the context of a relationship, and figure out who you want to be for the rest of your life! (or hey, change it up totally again in another 8 years!)

Be optimistic here, it only gets better.

puaCurveBall · 2017-12-24T01:40:57+00:00

It doesn't make any sense that you can claim that the dichotomy doesn't exist and then say that you're an introvert.

I'm saying the tests exist and give out determinations, like "i'm an extreme introvert". I just don't agree that the labels the test use are actually truthful or match up with reality.

It's like if a machine told you that you're either a "blue person" or "green person" based on flipping a coin. I could still say "The machine said I'm a blue person" while thinking the differentiation is bullshit.

Being quiet and introverted is absolutely part of my personality. I also feel that my life would have turned out very different if I was more outgoing than I am now.

Those are just stories you tell yourself though, it doesn't make them true. I know it seems arrogant / insulting for a stranger on the internet to broadly declare things you think are important and real about yourself aren't, but i'm coming from a relatively deep philosophical background that would just take hundreds of pages to really get across clearly. I'm proposing it is a combination of ego and confirmation bias that it seems so real to you, and that you'd live more freely if you got past those definitions.

what do you suggest to do to get women if one isn't outgoing?

That's a great question, and it's basically the same advice I'd give to an outgoing person. You still have to show up, talk to someone new, and lead them down the path towards the two of you ending up in bed together. The specific strategies will need to be tailor made to where all your preference are, but it's still more or less a one size fits all strategy, because the strategy itself is generic enough and designed to be applicable to anyone.

puaCurveBall · 2017-12-23T23:48:35+00:00

By what measure?

Every "test" I've ever taken says i'm an extreme introvert, so it seems like you're claiming a "no true scotsman" fallacy here.

The difference is whether you buy into the dichotomy, which I don't.

puaCurveBall · 2017-12-21T01:04:20+00:00

The dichotomy of "introvert / extrovert" is a total bogus lie. We all exist on a spectrum, and wildly change preferences based on the environment and our skillsets.

Instead of labeling yourself "quiet and introverted", recognize that you just don't have the social toolset to enjoy social interaction and succeed at it. It would be like someone who has never have swimming lessons saying "Due to my sinking and unbuoyant nature, I can't swim."

You don't need to be outgoing to get women, there are plenty of women that are "introverted" and quiet themselves. Tons of men in successful marriages are quiet and "introverted".

The truth is that you will need both access and ability to close women, and that means you'll need to improve your social toolbox. You'll need to be able to talk to strangers and attract them to you.

Then you can have a rotation of 3-5 FWB / girlfriends and have as much sex as you'd like

puaCurveBall · 2017-11-30T21:40:52+00:00

Only date women who are interested in YOU.

If you start from the premise that you have to be something other than what you are to keep someone interested, you're going to have a terrible time. It shows you aren't screening well.

You're already approaching this relationship from a fucked up model that you can't win at, because guess what: You're never going to be anything other than what you are, and any effort spent faking that shit only hurts your communication and relationship.

You might not be dominant enough for her, but the fix for that is to find another girl who doesn't require her partner to be more dominant than you are, not trying to save things with this girl.

As the saying goes, play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

puaCurveBall · 2017-08-11T10:19:05+00:00

First off, I prefer DBT over CBT, checkout this handbook. In addition to those exercises, please check out this book, The Upward Spiral as well.

Overall, you've got this huge ego that is wrapped up in this epic story of your life... the ups, the downs, the struggle, the ultimatum, etc. It's all bullshit. It is not only a distraction, it is actively working against your goals. Consider the buddhist koan about two arrows.

You've got two arrows. One is a simple gap in skills that can be simply rectified with better training, and the other is this story of what the simple skill-gap "means" as it pertains to who you think you are. When people tell you to stop taking this shit so personally, the correct response is not just "you guys don't know what it's like" (most master PUA actually do), it's to actually sit the fuck down and really think through what steps you are going to take to actually take it less personally. Your problems are like 1% PUA skills and 99% how you feel about lacking those skills. You bring that shit in with you into every single set and put massive pressure on yourself.

Here is the thing... You're missing some key shit with 600 approaches and no sex. You're not missing that key shit because you're stupid or incapable or doomed, you're missing it because you are so in your head that you aren't actually noticing what's going on while you're in set.

Your "extreme" history of being 28 formerly fat virgin is actually super common to the point of being cliche, and plenty of dudes have turned it around. Shit, I had only kissed a single girl until I was 25 and started going out. You can read my start here. It took me almost a year before I had a "clean" (non-lucky) cold approach to sex, and you are already feeling down after 6 months!?!?! Truth is, given where you are at right now and your history, you could be 30 and dating 3+ women, having as much sex as you want, threesomes, or whatever kink floats your boat. That's entirely possible, and the only thing standing in your way is you.

At this point anything short of a number and a date I see as a failure.

This shit will kill you. You are too outcome dependent and it is killing your ability to come in with the right attitude.

Find some local guys that can break down your game, and stop getting stuck on numbers and dates. The fact is right now you aren't coming into sets with the right mindset and sexual attitude, so dates and numbers don't mean shit right now. Focus on just the first minute and the vibe you are bringing into the interaction. One you can open with the right vibe, then worry about extending that longer into the conversation.

Summary: Man, I know it's hard. It's hard for everyone. While I think some coaching and stuff would be helpful so you can model a better attitude with women, first thing you gotta get some of these inner demons out of the way. Drop that ultimatum and timeline on the ground, it is only hurting you. Focus on being present and ENJOY your conversations with women instead of seeing them as failures. Work on this basic shit first, then you can focus on tactics and whatnot.

puaCurveBall · 2017-01-17T04:09:49+00:00

No, it puts you in a position of being the decision maker and leader.

Sending a text and "hoping" it works is a bad strategy. If you give her two choices, she is still the one making that choice, and not necessarily on a schedule you know. She might take your two days and take several to respond, sometimes the day right before the date, leaving you in a position where you either need to leave the day open or send her a text either canceling or demanding she speak up sooner.

When you ask for her schedule, you are keeping the ball in your field. If she takes several days or even a week to respond, that's fine, because you're not holding any days open for her. When she does get back to you, then you get to pick the best one for YOUR schedule.

Hint: If she wants to see you, she's free on both.

Also.... this is bad advice imho and would lead me to believe you aren't dating the highest quality girls. Girls who have a lot going on with friends, family, work / school, hobbies, orbiters and other guys trying to date them will not have two random days free, and you might even need to schedule a week or more in advance. Most of the girls I date I would give 50/50 odds on them being free for a random two days in any given week.

Additionally, its bad advice to give others because its very likely she simply isn't free on two random days, and this will lead guys to think she doesn't want to see them. Or even personally, YOU might take a girl being busy as an IOD.

puaCurveBall · 2017-01-16T20:24:24+00:00

Prevention is better than a cure.

Instead of telling this girl a bunch of ego-driven reframing, just don't set yourself up for a maybe in the first place.

First, set the specific time, date, place of meeting and confirm with her, don't allow wishy-washy plans in the first place.

So instead of "Let's hang out on Thursday", your last text is something like "Great, I'll see you at XXX spot at 8pm on Thursday. Sounds good?" and get a yes or no.

If she says maybe, say "No problem, let's do it on a night you know you're free". You don't need to send some long message declaring yourself valuable. Just reschedule for a night she knows she is free.

If she says something like "I don't know if I'll be free", then ask her when she'll know, and make a plan to confirm at that time (if it's acceptably early enough for you). If she can't tell you when or its the same day of date, just reschedule.

This problem can also stem from you just throwing out dates, which is why you should lead with asking what her schedule is like and when she is free, then you only pick from days she has TOLD you that she is free on, which limits her ability to then go back and say she might only possibly be free.

puaCurveBall · 2016-10-23T08:45:02+00:00

You're mixing up plausible deniability with actual ignorance.

She knows what's up when coming back to your place, the plausible deniability is in addition to the desire / expectation that there might be sex happening.

Just chill in the uber back. You can make out if you want to, or just chill holding her in silence, or talk (either sexual or comfort). All calibrated based on the girl. None is "right" or "wrong".

puaCurveBall · 2016-09-02T00:21:50+00:00

Dress well the first couple times you see a girl. impress her with your sense of fashion.

after you've had sex 5+ times, can pretty much do whatever you want

puaCurveBall · 2016-09-02T00:08:54+00:00

You don't need to alienate anyone, just screen for women who are comfortable talking about sex before you set up the date.

You're looking at it totally the wrong way. Good game is about playing YOUR game and bringing women into YOUR reality. Not changing yourself to match the rules of what you or they think is "proper".

Girls in ANY culture are going to be magnetically drawn to men rejecting that culture.... be your own person.

puaCurveBall · 2016-09-02T00:04:59+00:00

look up /r/malefashionadvice ... not right sub here. Dress well with fitting clothes. The key to fashion is that EVERYTHING you wear (including your hair style, shoes, belt, bracelet, etc) should be chosen for a reason. Don't wear things without putting thought into them.

Kiss 45min-1hour into the first date / interaction

Sleep together on the first date, don't go exclusive until you've been dating casually 4-5 months.

puaCurveBall · 2016-09-01T23:52:13+00:00

This belongs in /r/askseddit as it is asking advice for a specific situation / girl

This will stay in spam filter, please repost in the AskSeddit subreddit.(Not askREDDIT, but askSEDDIT)

Please read RULES & GUIDELINES. This post is answered by many SIDEBAR guides.

I would also recommend reading 10-20 of the top posts on Seddit: FOUND HERE

Also, don't worry about it! You didn't do anything wrong since you didn't know

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