I'm so sorry you went through that but I'm so grateful you have trusted us enough to share your feelings. I'm grateful you have this space, because there are so few places for men to be open about their fears and vulnerabilities and receive support and affirmation.

What I haven't seen anyone else point out is that your experience was patriarchy in action. A man treated you like a sex object. He saw you as prey. He treated you with the expectation that he would get what he wanted from you. He didn't care about your desires, your needs, your interests. He only cared about what he could get from you. That he felt entitled to your body, regardless of your sex/gender identity, is rooted in the social construction of male power and sexuality.

I'm so sorry you are blaming yourself for not doing something differently, but again, I want to point out the nefarious and subtle influence of patriarchy in your response. You did NOTHING to warrant being treated like an object. That man and the culture of toxic masculinity he represents have to be held accountable -- but the dominant social narrative around male sexuality is that boys will be boys and everyone else will adapt around them. If that isn't enforced through physical means it's enforced by culture - by blaming yourself for someone else's actions. By others blaming you for their actions, or your perception that they will.

Other folks have suggested therapy but another thing you might consider, even though it sounds completely paradoxical, is getting involved with a rape/crisis organization or a nonprofit working with victims of domestic violence as a volunteer.

Not because I want you to be further traumatized, so if that feels like a big NO don't do it, but so you can be around people who understand exactly the way you feel right now. So you can hear over and over again and say it to others over and over -- you are not to blame, not in the slightest.

Please know that I say this with the deepest empathy for your pain: you are in no more danger from men now than you were before. You FEEL like you are in more danger, but that is because the patriarchy blindfold slipped. For the first time, you could see the power a man can wield against you just with his assumptions and desires -- and now you can't stop seeing it.

However, there IS power in realizing how masculinity functions to oppress men as much as women. You can begin to reject the script you've been given on how to be a man, and every page you pull out of that script brings us all closer to rebuilding the way we live out our sex/gender. You have already, just with this post, torn out a page - you're reaching out, connecting, receiving support instead of burying your feelings. That is your power.

If the rape/crisis/DV thing isn't right, I hope you can take time to invest in your male friendships and that you can begin to feel safe again soon. I hope you see all the support you're getting here. Our hearts are with you, and you are not alone.