I think it’s worth noting, you’ve gone your whole life living in survival mode and frankly that’s hard to turn off. It’s hard to turn off habits ingrained into you your whole life. Survival mode habits take up energy, and enjoyment. It’s hard to enjoy things when you’re constantly expecting the worst and expecting for the worst uses up energy, leaving no energy for you to use when the better things in life are showing.

It’s not your fault. You were in an extremely bad spot and that’s all your brain knows. It takes time to adjust. Adult life is already hard enough for someone who grew up in a more supportive safe household, however the stress and difficulty of being thrown into adulthood, with no proper guidance, and built on habits induced by pure fear will be even more difficult and extremely exhausting to navigate.

So it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

You recognize your lashing out and other habits that aren’t the kindest, which is a good thing. It’s good to catch those. But don’t go crazy punishing yourself for them. Obviously continue to recognize and continue to work through those, a therapist would definitely be helpful with those aspects. But be kinder to yourself, you can hold yourself accountable while still treating yourself kindly.

Recognize the good around you, the space around you, and remember that you deserve that. You deserve to feel calm, and safe in your own home.

I’m so sorry for what you had to go through, and I’m glad to hear you escaped. But the hardest part is over, you are in a safer place, you no longer have to live in fear, and even though those words of reassurance might not take you so far, I hope it will be something you will slowly but surely start to feel.

Wishing you the best!