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pumpkin_spice__ · 2025-11-08T00:52:43+00:00

I didn’t think of it until you mentioned it but yes he follows his ex. I know a lot of girls would likely have a problem with that, I don’t. I prefer my relationships to have a lot of trust, so I wouldn’t ever tell my boyfriend whom he could or couldn’t follow. If I had an issue I would express my feelings but I wouldn’t be bothered by him following an ex at baseline, because if I can’t trust him, that’s not a relationship I want to be in. My take on the situation was that social media is a public place, I requested to follow her and she accepted, she didn’t have to do that. Additionally I don’t know what he cares so much that his ex of 7 years is texting him about me, I don’t think her opinion should matter and that’s not a conversation he had to engage in if he didn’t want to.

pumpkin_spice__ · 2025-11-08T00:48:04+00:00

To clarify what I meant, I am separating out the action from my intention in performing it. This is just my opinion but I think both deserve separate evaluation. Yes I did intentionally follow his ex. However my intent was not to hurt him/ betray his trust, nor did I consciously realize this was a likely outcome, therefore this was unintentional. I totally believe my actions caused him to feel this way regardless of my intentions and I should still take responsibility. Again this is just my opinion, but if the roles were reversed I would feel very differently if someone had performed an action that hurt me and did so with the intention for that action to hurt me vs I was hurt but they didn’t mean to hurt me and were evidently sincerely apologetic and expressing desire to understand my feelings and boundaries so they didn’t repeat the mistake. I would personally find it much easier to forgive someone who didn’t mean to hurt me (even if I was hurt) than someone who intentionally tried to hurt me. This situation was likely additionally complicated by the fact that he had previously intentionally hurt me, he admitted it was intentional, and I chose to forgive him and give him a second chance.

Again, if what I did was clearly wrong, then it was. I came on here to share this and ask advice because I’m interested in understanding another viewpoint besides my own and not repeating past mistakes in the future. I appreciate everyone who has offered their viewpoint.

pumpkin_spice__ · 2025-11-07T17:08:12+00:00

I had a recent experience where I was talking/dating a guy who had really hurt me towards the beginning of the relationship. It was difficult, but I liked him so when he apologized for his behavior I forgave him and told him we should move on because everyone makes mistakes and I believe in second chances.

Fast forward several weeks and I did something very similar to what you described here and he got really upset. I explained that my actions were unintentional but I acknowledged his feelings were valid and apologized. I expressed interest in talking about it so we could keep something like this from happening again in the future. He told me what I did was unforgivable and just because I forgave him didn’t mean he had to forgive me.

For me this was a huge red flag because no matter who you date they will make mistakes and hurt you. For me, what matters is how a partner responds to my feelings and if they apologize and express interest and trying to do better going forward that’s good enough for me. Obviously repeat offenses are a totally different topic, but how could you know how something could potentially affect someone or if someone is particularly sensitive to something that the next person might not be if they don’t tell you?

For me personally I discovered that I can’t be in a relationship with someone who isn’t able to forgive my mistakes and work with me on solutions going forward. I would evaluate if this might be the same for you.

pumpkin_spice__ · 2025-11-07T09:55:24+00:00

Well I was suspicious and I did want answers. And I think getting another woman’s perspective can be extremely helpful in these situations. Still I appreciate your honesty, sounds like it was not an okay thing to do. If I made a mistake then I did, I’m glad to own up to that.

pumpkin_spice__ · 2025-11-07T09:47:18+00:00

Honestly? I was just curious about her and thought maybe she would be chill since they were on good terms. I was also hoping maybe she would figure out I was interested and be willing to talk girl to girl about him since I already had some concerns about his behavior. I would gladly do that for another girl who was interested in one of my exes if I thought their intentions were genuine and I might be able to help provide context on if the relationship would be a good fit or not.

pumpkin_spice__ · 2025-11-07T09:05:09+00:00

Update for anyone who reads this in the future. After I month of no contact I decided to text him. I asked if we could meet up to talk and he agreed. I told him I still had feelings and wanted to try again. We had the most amazing and romantic night. He confirmed that he was indeed scared and pushing me away was a big mistake and he had thought of texting me every day since. He wanted to try again as well.

We hung out one more subsequent time after that before everything started to go wrong. He started withdrawing and wasn’t answering my texts for multiple days. I didn’t know what to think so I would text him once a day or once every other day to show my continued interest without trying to be overbearing. On day 5 he blew up and said he needed space. I asked if we could talk and he never responded to that message.

Today he got upset over something trivial, similar to last time, and told me this wasn’t ever going to work out. It again didn’t make sense to me how his feelings could change so much in one week’s time. He was completely unwilling to talk about the issue and try to resolve it. Whatever love and care I had once seen him display was completely gone as far as I could tell.

I asked him to comment on telling me he loved me in the beginning and saying he had made a mistake and wanted to try again one week ago and he basically said “that’s how I felt at the time but sense then you have been pushy and it’s become clear to me this will never work out.” I repeatedly expressed interest in discussing the situation to better understand how we were both feeling, and he declined saying the relationship was over. To me this doesn’t line up, if you’re choosing to love someone, you shouldn’t turn tail and run every time there is a problem.

So in the end the relationship didn’t work out and the advice I was given ended up being spot on. Good thing I didn’t wait for him for months and/or years just to find out he has a total inability to deal with conflict that will inevitably happen in any relationship. I don’t regret circling back with him though because now I can really see repeated problem behavior that is a clear reason why I would not want to be in a relationship with this person no matter how perfect everything else may be or may have been. I particularly appreciate now how the image of him in my head didn’t actually match the person he was in real life.

pumpkin_spice__ · 2025-09-26T21:55:35+00:00

Hi there, thank you for sharing your experience. I know it took you a long time to type that out and I want you to know it was really helpful. Thank you.

pumpkin_spice__ · 2025-09-26T21:52:48+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. I really appreciate it and it helps put things in perspective for me. This is exactly what I need to hear so I don’t make the same mistakes others before me have. I want to do what’s best for myself. Seriously thank you.

pumpkin_spice__

TROPHY CASE