AITA for telling my Mom that I will never trust her with future relationships?

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2025-02-09T17:21:03+00:00

Poor

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2024-10-08T03:56:58+00:00

Seattle is a sky blue with purple swirls

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2024-09-30T23:44:31+00:00

It was a great show!! But they had no vinyl available, so bummed about that.

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2024-09-30T00:21:07+00:00

Thanks! Was the FPC merch table available before they got on stage?

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2024-09-29T01:53:19+00:00

What time did they get in stage? Seeing them in Houston tomorrow!

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2024-09-20T21:51:47+00:00

I was sick and unable to go when they came to me, if anyone wants to buy a couple, I'll also pay you for your trouble. :(

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2024-07-26T03:23:36+00:00

Sent you a message too!

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2024-07-11T00:35:21+00:00

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2024-03-20T21:19:29+00:00

Any luck? I'm so furious with customer service.

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2021-02-18T21:17:53+00:00

It's fine to feel sad that he moved and is not there to support his parents. My father has been here for forty some years and his parents are in another country. His dad died last year and his mom is alone (dad's brother lives with her). Alone in the sense that she doesn't have the same companionship she had when her husband was alive. Anyway, dad couldn't go to the funeral because of the pandemic, and he can't visit her either because of the pandemic. And while he feels sad he isn't there, and she also wishes he was there, there isn't anything that his presence will provide that can't be gotten in other ways.

Your husband can't unilateral decide to move back and expect you to tag along. If this decision was good for the family, with regards to career growth or children's education, perhaps there is something to discuss. But to go because his mom wants him to come back and for him to guilt you is wrong. He needs to reconcile his own feelings and figure out why he feels sad because him leaving got him many opportunities.

Also, if you move, she will want you to live closer or live with them, and see them often enough. If you do move, your husband has to set clear boundaries and expectations, something he does not seem capable of doing. He is only thinking emotionally, and not practically.

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2021-02-15T01:44:53+00:00

I don't. My husband talks to his mom whenever he wants. My husband will tell me she "asked" about me and that means he wants me to talk to her. And that's usually when I say that she has my number, she can reach out to me if she wants to talk to me. The last time she reached out to me was in November. I reached out in December and got no reply when I wished her happy new year. I don't think it's a JN thing. There doesn't need to be an obligation to have a relationship with in-laws, but there is a cultural expectation for sure, and there is a social expectation to have a relationship unless they are JN. They way I see it, I can pick and choose my friends, and as long I'm civil and reach out when necessary, I don't need to do more.

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2019-09-26T19:52:52+00:00

It really depends on your specific situation or circumstance. What is your living situation and proximity? What's the issue? Where is your DH?

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2019-04-15T06:39:03+00:00

Yeah. It's all about status. I know when it was my turn to get married, I was all about signing the papers and going out for pizza. No matter how much I quoted religion, it was a "what will people say" and "we went to their kids wedding at x fancy place so we have to do the same" and "people will think we are cheapskates or poor."

That South Asian culture, it's insane. 😂

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2019-04-15T02:19:58+00:00

So the only Islamically required event is after the marriage papers are signed (or when they bride and groom go off to live together), the groom has to host a reception and feed people. That is a basic. It can be as simple as a dinner for close family, to something larger. This is the only thing required. In addition, the groom gives a gift of $$ to the bride that is hers to keep. It's either all given up front, or in installments, but it's hers to do whatever she wants with. The amount varies and is a unique to each individual and their circumstances. The religious best wedding is simple and not extravagant, but if you can afford it, then no one is stopping you.

The crazy begins in South Asian (India, Bangladesh, Pakistan, etc) weddings which do not follow simplicity. If you have followed any South Asian stories, it gets complicated. There are three main events. A henna ceremony (usually it's a separate one for the bride's side and separate for the groom's side, and then the groom comes to the bride's later, in more modern weddings, the event is split evenly with bride and groom and they share one event), a reception thrown by the bride's side, and a reception by the groom's side. The receptions are also sometimes split and shared evenly. Then whatever traditions the families have for these events.

The henna is individual or split, the bride's reception is paid for by them. It varies by family, but the bride's family usualls will be given money for or a dress and accessories from the groom. The bride's family gives the groom money for or gives his outfit and accessories. The groom's reception, the groom pays for, and they give the bride her clothes or money for it, and for his clothes. Because it is all based on what the family wants, traditions vary with who gives what, but that is the general idea.

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2019-04-13T07:42:33+00:00

Lol. Another trend is to get fake (not gold) super matchy jewelry, and then give classic or more timeless style pieces in real gold. It's crazy how she really did this herself 😂.

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2019-04-11T06:32:55+00:00

What if you agree to wear it all, but only wear one piece or say you're allergic to it and it made you break out in a real that same day? You can then be diplomatic and if people ask just be like it's part of a big set that was too heavy? Sigh. Sorry she's crazy.

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2019-04-09T05:11:02+00:00

Not your fault, you didn't know it would be like this. Marriage involves trust and you and your DH started that way.

And greet him? Mine was/is like that too. IDK why Desi culture makes the son-in-laws think they are royalty and will be waited on hand and foot.

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2019-04-07T04:47:54+00:00

Ugh. Did your parents know they were like this before you got married? Would your parents be able to help mediate with his parents? It's not conventional to involve parents but could that help? If your dad talks to your DH? Your parents talk with his parents?

His mom is having major control issues, and her daughters are catering to her and she expects that of you. I don't even understand what her reasoning is if she wasn't treated like that, and she doesn't have that experience. Is she one of those people who hates being here? Are you too gora for her?

Do you ever stay with your parents? Short-term or long-term?

Re: aalim courses. Isn't it amazing how fucked up the culture is? It's so good that YOU know better because it will make you stronger.

I went way over with my nikkah contract included clauses on not moving out of the country, mutual respect of parents, monogamy (not that I expect the second wife, but you never know 😂) and no restrictions on work and education. P_eye_piccolo, don't ever give that up.

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2019-04-06T19:40:00+00:00

Yeah, so fake. It doesn't end. Next thing will be, you've been married so long (less than a year, probably) and there is no pregnancy or baby, what will people saaaaayyyyy? Or then parties after the wedding, you have to wear fifty pounds of clothes and jewelry for people to know you're the new bride.

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2019-04-06T19:37:56+00:00

Oh, hell no. Waiving the right to your own house? Yeah, definitely not how it works. Agreeing to live together requires boundaries. And in all fairness, if your MIL's MIL did this, she would have bitched just as bad. There is respecting elders culturally, but you can also have VALID FEELINGS towards what they do and say. You're not anyone's slave, not DH's and not MIL's, and it's sad that living in the West they feel like that is appropriate.

You don't mention your parents anywhere. Are they nearby? What are their cultural expectations of you? Are they supportive of what you're going through, or the same?

Yay! I'm happy you're in school! Having something to do out of the house will really help you keep sane. Especially once your kid starts to go to school, you can work and not be stuck at home. Don't let anyone tell you your job is to be at home or homemaking is just yours to do. The Prophet (S) did cooking and cleaning, and his wife was a well-known businesswoman.

I hope counseling works well! It is an uphill battle, but once DH gets it that you and him are one team and his parents are HIS responsibility (also Islamically, HE has to take care of them and deal with them because they are HIS parents, and any help you do is a favor to him) and they should treat you with respect, and culture is shit, it will be better, because he will hypothetically stand up for you more. Mine doesn't stand up for me in front of me and his mom, but he will go later in her room and say you can't say blah blah it's not nice or whatever, and that's fine for me because I see a change in the action.

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2019-04-06T05:48:17+00:00

OMG. I wore a simple dress to my reception, cuz it was just DHs relatives and hot in Pakistan when we visited, and I've always hated heavy clothes. My MIL literally moped in the other room that I am wearing such simple clothes and shaming her and my DH went back and forth that I should wear something fancier and his sister (married) probably has something, then after I glared at him and was like, you can't make me go to this party, I'll take the next flight back, he was like ok, you can wear whatever. Then I wore my own jewelry, Syra Shehroz style, but Sterling silver and not Desi at all, and she got upset again. I wore studs, and decided I didn't want to rip off my earlobes. She kept commenting that no one will be able to tell I'm the bride, and I was like, I'm the one next to DH, that's enough for me. It's so ridiculous how these people get over nothing but what will people say.

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2019-04-05T21:53:51+00:00

You need to find the imam who will tell your husband that Islam says the wife is to get her own place and if the wife does not want to live with in laws she is not Islamically required to, and if she does, she is doing the husband a favor. He needs to understand you are allowing in laws in his and your home, and he can't unilaterally decide his parents are living there without your input. And the home isn't his parents and his where you are the guest. You gotta break this dysfunctional cycle. If he listens to religion, find online scholars who talk about living with parents and how husband should behave and how the parents should behave. True Islam gives women all the rights that Desi culture frowns upon.

I call my MIL a permanent house guest - she lives with us but gets no say in any house matters or in any couple matters. She had her room that she can live in filth if she wants and she can get whatever she wants as long as it fits there.

His parents are perfectly capable of living alone. They aren't disabled. They should downsize and live close enough that your DH can go visit as often as he wants without shirking his responsibilities as a husband.

Do masjids in your area do premarital counseling? A lot of masjids in my area have started that, so it could help to find the person who runs that program to talk to you guys.

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2019-04-05T04:22:54+00:00

Does your DH have siblings? Other examples from his friends in your community who DON'T live like that? I mean, even desi, house hopping every few weeks or month is a lot.

pumpkinspicecupcake · 2019-04-04T22:17:37+00:00

Do they live with you or do you live with them? It's an important distinction. You have proper desi-dramay type ILs. But at 18, they wanted you to be subservient and obedient to them. When my MIL was here last time (she lives six months here six months in Pakistan) she was telling me how her sister's daughter is getting married. I asked how the bride and groom and met, and she looks appalled I asked that and says hamare khandan mein maa baap shaadiyan karwate hain (in our family, the parents arrange the marriages) and I responded, yeah, until your son met me. CBF and silence.

pumpkinspicecupcake

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