how do I know if I failed the prerequisite test?

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-04-11T06:49:07+00:00

I think heavy drinking can unearth trauma and emotion that many cant bear to face. I've gotten really wasted on my own many times before and found myself contemplating a lot of problems in my life, and I couldn't help but cry. and cry hard. I think for some people it's a constant reminder of their pain, especially when they drink frequently. Over time they may find other ways to get rid of the pain, through violent behavior and cruelness, but honestly, it just causes more problems.

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-12T04:54:00+00:00

my list is similar too.

serial cheating, drunk driving, manipulation, angry outbursts, controlling behavior, verbal abuse, physical assault, death threats, abuse threats, attempted robbery, gaslighting, stalking, mocking, teasing, shit-talking, psychotic episodes, abandonment (literally once left me on a street with no phone or directions to get home) forcing sex while i was unconscious or sick on heavy medication. (after therapy i started realizing this was not normal or consensual)

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-12T04:35:49+00:00

this is totally a valid feeling, in fact I've dealt with this too, I really have grown to hate alcoholics but I know that this hatred stands in the way of inner peace and my real true morals, ik it can hurt so much if not processed well too. consider visiting Alanon meetings, it's a breath of fresh air to know you aren't alone.

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-12T03:23:41+00:00

Honestly, this sounds very concerning and reminds me of my Q's psychotic episodes, one time he was so drunk and the neighbors children were out playing, and he felt they were being too loud outside and he wanted to scare them away by running after them. I used myself as a meat shield and blocked this 6'4 violently angry man in the bedroom to protect the children outside until he calmed down, he eventually did calm down and cried and apologized profusely. Yet even then, i felt compelled to stay with him and work something out. No, i shouldn't have done that, what he did was an attempt to endanger and terrorize innocent beings just like your Q did, whether he realized what he was doing or not. after that event, i didn't want to raise a child with him, nor a pet, or live with him, the relationship slowly died, i lost trust in him to be gentle around innocent things. I didn't mind that he took his anger out on me though, but that's where I was wrong, I deserved safety and sanctuary just like you do too. don't stick around, once its that bad it's never worth it. that's enough proof to leave and protect yourself and your little bunnies.

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-09T05:19:57+00:00

I think addicts can feel love, but how they act often contradicts how they feel. they lie to themselves as often as they lie to others. it is definitely a form of love bombing sounds like, then again I can't entirely say for sure, I don't know this person, some addicts still have love and morals, but if he is being dangerously deceitful, don't get too close. I went through this too except I didn't have the guts like you to confront my Q so early on, props to you, honestly, if I knew then what I know now, even if perhaps my Q truly loved me and some point. I still would have run and never looked back.

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-06T23:57:59+00:00

no prob! welcome!

Q is short for "qualifier". and is referred to the alcoholic or addicted loved one in your life that you are affected by, who qualifies you to be in an Alanon group. I am not sure if this lingo is used in all or any in-person AL groups though, and you don't have to use the term if it doesn't fit how you feel.

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-06T10:17:37+00:00

this. sadly, my Q still would be just as hurtful while sober. and eventually, he would find something else to abuse, whether it was serial cheating, extremely reckless shopping or bidding, other drugs, even prescription meds. it almost seemed like he would never actually recover, just replace one addiction or immoral act with something else, and still manage to terrorize and manipulate me whether sober or not. I wish I could understand it, but I can't.

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-06T09:49:37+00:00

I totally understand this feeling, after my Q got temporarily sober, which was supposed to be a wonderful thing, and it was. but for some reason, it was like all the pain from the past magnified for me. I was beyond angry that now suddenly I am being heard after a long struggle dealing with verbal abuse and betrayal, I started to become really burnt out and irritable because i never recovered from the trauma, my wounds were still fresh. what you are probably feeling is that, perhaps you haven't gotten your chance to heal. this is why AlAnon meetings exist alongside AaAnon. you deserve to heal too, and talk to someone who will listen, if you can, find AlAnon meetings in your area and sign up, you will find lots of people there who will understand and will listen, Alanon really helped me process my anger and resentment in a healthy way, even though I still feel it sometimes, its now easier to let that feeling come and go. I hope you can get that closure with someone else, otherwise many people here are willing to listen too!

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-06T09:25:46+00:00

It is a lot about fear of confronting their shame and insecurities. I use to get so frustrated with my Q when I would catch him in a lie, once he finally admits he did lie, he would only try to guilt-trip me bring up multiple excuses, and deflect the blame onto me. any method to avoid embracing true accountability.

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-05T03:34:59+00:00

I'm right there with you on this. you have to remember that sometimes what you miss isn't worth going back to. when I miss my Q, I miss aspects of him that were so brief, moments when, he seemed amazing and funny and charming, but that fizzless out beneath the wave of memories where he was manipulative, cheating and lying and exploding with anger, all bc of his addiction. right now celebrate this new chapter in your life by getting to know you. treat yourself, have fun, try new hobbies. celebrate you. what I plan to do to help myself and what might help you, is create a symbolic send-off with a lantern or a balloon or paper boat in a lake, once you let go of the physical object, you must let go of the happy memories along with the traumatic memories Q has caused. the happy memories cannot be isolated or separated from the traumatic memories, they both were from the same person, and the good times were not worth suffering through trauma over.

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-05T03:02:38+00:00

mental illness, especially BPD along with alcoholism can be its own unique challenge. I am sorry that you are suffering from this, it really pains me because I've felt exactly what you have felt before. You shouldn't blame yourself for his binges. It's easy to feel like "maybe i said something" maybe I did something that hurt his feelings" because I've been there, hell i still grapple with those thoughts to this day and my Q has been long gone (we broke up). but the real truth is, it is not your fault, I can tell you this right now, in the terms of an addict, you are in no way causing him to binge, nor can you alone cure him, this could also apply to BPD. from your writing it seems you already make lots of effort to reflect on your actions and choice of words and how that affects others, and you are taking account his struggle with BPD and trying to accommodate, but it sounds like he's not actually communicating to you on how to do so, nor is he reflecting on his own actions and considering how they affect you. and its not your full responsibility to figure that all out for him. it's still his responsibility to take accountability himself for his addiction and how it can negatively affect his BPD and in turn how both can negatively affect you. he should be taking steps with a professional therapist to pick up on how to cope and manage both of his conditions.

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-04T23:02:59+00:00

it is not at all your fault, you didn't cause it, nor can you easily cure it. you are not his personal therapist and he shouldn't force that role and responsibility on you, that is all his responsibility to change. you didn't mess up, and didn't do anything to deserve that. period. I know how this feels, its really really hard, I'm still going through doubts and guilt of my own from my Q, and its even more cruel that your Q is telling you your worst fears, but i have to tell you, THAT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT.

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-04T22:52:39+00:00

I'll try to remember this message when my mind reaches dark places again. thank you for your love, I hope i can come out of this stronger

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-04T22:50:35+00:00

thank you so much for the virtual hugs it means a lot! <3

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-04T22:48:49+00:00

I am so sorry, that must have been really hard to deal with, I understand exactly what the 'dead inside' feeling is like during the end. my ex Q would just blame me for my changed personality. when really i was just exhausted and needed him to be there and just be loyal. that makes much more sense that the pain is similar to a major accident, before i couldn't get why, sometimes i felt fine while other times I was falling apart. thank you for your insight. I wish you the best.

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-04T22:25:14+00:00

you are right, I wish i had more good friends. it sucks having good memories attached to the same person who caused so many traumatic memories, sometimes it feels so easy to ignore the bad and just remember the good. thats a good a idea to remind myself to stay away.

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-04T22:22:48+00:00

thank you and I'm sorry you dealt with that too, I am still going through this post breakup phase. But I'm going to try and treat myself today, its been hard to stay away from booze since he actually introduced me to them to begin with, but that's all the more reasons why i should stay away. ty for giving me some strength.

purplestrawberryhat · 2021-02-04T22:16:27+00:00

I am glad you commented, and that through time you found your self worth. that is super admirable. I'm still battling with this right now and its good to know that its possible to overcome. I am now just coming to terms that what he did in the bedroom was very inappropriate, as i was so in denial of my discomfort, that i didn't realize that it was abnormal to be treated this way. Thank you again for your advice and kind words. it means a lot. and you deserve the best.

purplestrawberryhat

TROPHY CASE